Choose joy

Last week I got to take Z to story time at the library, just the two of us, while my parents hung out with Bear. It was the first time and Z is always a little antsy about new things so I was a little antsy as well. He picked out his carpet square and proceeded to join the rest of the squirmy mass on the big rug while I sat in a chair near him. After a few minutes his squirmy neighbor introduced himself in a standard preschooler way, "Hi, I'm _____. I'm 3." As always, knowing that Z would never answer for himself, I jumped in and said, "He's Z-," but just at that moment I heard his little voice distinctly say, "I'm Z-."

Y'all. I teared up. I was so excited I wanted to jump up and down and celebrate. I've never heard him introduce himself before and I could barely contain myself. But I did, and later when he had left his carpet square to snuggle on my lap during a book, I wanted to cry again because I suddenly felt so incredibly discouraged and anxious about his delays. The scary "what if" monster reared his ugly head and all of my fears paraded through my mind.

What if he never catches up? What if it's more than just speech? What if it's my fault? 
Maybe I drank too much coffee while I was pregnant. Maybe it was the formula. Maybe I didn't talk to him enough, read to him enough, do enough. 

And just like that, I let those crazy thoughts and little fears suck away my joy. I let my own insecurities overshadow my son's accomplishment that day. I let all of the moments when our communication challenges make life so much harder crush me.

It was days later when I was sitting around a camp fire with some good friends, hearing myself vomit out some of these thoughts all over the unsuspecting and very kind recipient (thanks Mary Kate), that I was able to get that joy back. It was her encouragement and stopping for a minute to acknowledge all of the goals Z has met that helped me recover how proud I am of my little son. He's doing so well. He's making gains all the time. I'm so glad I get to witness it.

We're not dead!

I realized that I haven't posted in a couple months. I've just been so busy and overwhelmed with all the little details that have surrounded our move and settling in here that I just haven't had time. My days are consumed by the kids and my evenings are consumed with work, Joe, and creating tools to help me work with Z during the day. We've had a lot of visitors, which has been great, but has kept us really busy. In fact, my parents are visiting right now!

Canton is certainly different than River Falls and we've had some days where we have really missed Wisconsin. I especially miss the moms group I was a part of in WI and haven't found anything like that here yet. However, here's a little glimpse into our day to day lives right now.

Joe is working as a full time videographer now, which means he spends all of his time shooting footage, doing interviews, editing, and lots of meetings with all of the many departments and offices of the colleges that are longing for videos. It's a really big adjustment for him to not be teaching and he's really missed working with students. He was just asked to be the adviser for the student film club, so I hope that will help fill that void a little for him. Thus far his videos have been really well received and he's gotten a lot of accolades. But, as with any new position, there have also been a lot of growing pains as everyone figures out how to effectively communicate their visions, etc.

We decided that this year I am going to be a full time stay at home mom and I have been working really hard to engage in that role, especially as this is Z's last year before preschool and I am trying to do everything in my power to help prepare him and get him on par with his age group. I spend a lot of evenings I'm not working putting together charts, schedules, games, etc. I'm also keeping up with some freelance resume writing to keep bringing in some income.

Z currently has home services for speech therapy two times a week and an itinerant special education teacher two times a week that both come to our home to work with him. (Yes, visitors 4 days a week. My house has never been cleaner and I've never been more frazzled as I follow around the 1 year old tornado desperately picking up toys before Z's appointments.) I'm probably going to reduce or eliminate the special education teacher's visits soon since we are doing a lot of the same activities with him and I think he's getting very tired of being prodded at all the time, but we'll see. Z finally seems to be adjusted to Canton and doesn't appear to be attempting to get us to drive him back to River Falls anymore. I would say his best progress has been conquering the toilet (!!!!!) and his biggest challenge has been that he has a deep and inexplicable dread of a blue jay's "jeer." Whenever he hears it he completely flips out, which took me months to figure out since he doesn't really have enough language to explain it to me. Unfortunately we have a robust blue jay community outside our door and I haven't hit upon a successful method to address this problem yet. Suggestions are welcome.

Bear is getting so big and real that I can barely believe it. He adores all things on wheels, stuffed animals, and legos. Dirt, rocks, sticks, leaves, climbing stairs - all things he gives a big thumbs up to. He's talking quite a lot, which is really exciting and, honestly, a bit of a relief. He loves dancing and can't hear a beat without at least stopping to briefly headbang in acknowledgement of the tunes. He's relishing the fall leaves, being able to chase Z around, and being a big boy (or so he thinks.) He briefly tricked me into believing he was going to potty train himself when Z was using the potty but has lost his steam once Z moved on to exclusively using the toilet. Getting him into his own room dramatically improved our sleep and his, which is great. However, he is proving to be a VERY picky eater, which is a brand new experience for me since Z has always eaten pretty much anything.

We've settled into our house and while it has its issues, we couldn't ask for a better location. Our neighbors are kind, we can walk to a lot of great places, and I am definitely enjoying the luxury of the kids having their own rooms. We're starting to meet people and I get out with the kids a lot. Tuesdays and Fridays we generally go to the Farmer's Market. Every other Friday we go to a playgroup at a church. Storytime at the library has just started up on Wednesdays. I'm looking to form a little play date group with a couple other stay at home parents that I've met but I haven't gotten myself together to do that yet. Maybe by my next post update I will!

An instrument of peace

I couldn't sleep for hours last night because I was lying in bed thinking about all of the recent events flooding the news. All of the lives lost, all of the pain revealed, all of the hate, all of the anger. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help. I wondered if posting my feelings on social media really matters. I wondered if we all do it to try to overcome the impotence we feel. I felt guilty for how little time I'd really spent thinking about it all.

To be honest, my mind has been consumed with other things. Normal day to day needs of my kids and the more intense emotional needs they have had lately following our move. All of the things on my to do list that still need to get checked off to get us settled here. Shana's fast approaching wedding. Arranging dates for visits from family and friends.

And then there are the things that are weighing on my heart.

Why Z seems so unhappy the last few days and has been acting out so violently. I wonder how to make him feel better; how to discipline him while still offering him security.

I am consumed by thoughts of our friend's baby who has been in the hospital for over 6 weeks with a troubling prognosis. I think about his parents and siblings and pray for peace on all of them. I grieve for their pain and wish I could do more.

I think about my other friends who are (today!) bringing a precious, medically challenged little boy into the world. What a difficult road lies ahead of them as they adjust and help his big sister embrace her new family member.

I am frequently thinking of my friend from college who lives in Orlando, a gay man who recently was mugged at gun point, and is now having to cope with all of the feelings around that situation while also trying to cope with the tragedy that happened at Pulse. I can't even begin to imagine how he is feeling, but he has been so brave and, as usual, thrown himself into seeking peace with his whole heart. I am proud of him and concerned for him.

I breathe a sigh of relief every time I see that people in the immediate vicinity of these friends are being comforting physical presences and helping them bear their burdens.


I don't have any wisdom about any of this. I wish I did. I just kept thinking last night, let me be an instrument of peace. It's from a prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

There's a lot of side taking right now. Are you for or against [insert hot button topic here]. I saw a video where two rival protests put down their signs and were hugging in the street and I thought, maybe there is hope. By nature, we all want to protect ourselves, our own interests, but there is no hope without some sacrifice, even if it's just taking a moment to try to see another perspective.

It's hard for me to go through the day and really remember that I want to be an instrument of peace. It's hard to stay focused on setting an example for my kids when I'm tired and frustrated, when Z is throwing his fifth tantrum of the day, when Bear throws yogurt all over everything. It's hard to believe that there is goodness when all you read about is pain and hate. It's hard. But it's worth it.

Tiny things matter. Today a woman at the park was so kind to me while I dragged my screaming toddler to the park and then back to the car because apparently the park was the worst thing in the entire world. She probably didn't think a thing of it, but it meant the world to me to have her say something consoling and kind instead of just staring or saying something flippant.

So, please, if there is a way I can encourage you or help you, tell me! I want to. And if you see a chance to sow peace and love today, take it! Don't push it off because there might not be another opportunity and the world needs all the love it can get. Give smiles and hugs. Give encouragement and consolation. Give silence and listening. Give money or time. Give thoughts and prayers, phone calls and emails. Give what you can, receive what you need.

Welcome to the North Country

Well. Moving is not fun.

We decided to hire movers this time around to load and unload our truck. We were thinking things might be a little tight and might necessitate getting rid of some things so we decided to get the movers to come on Saturday and planned to leave on Tuesday.

Saturday turned out to be brutally hot and humid. It would have been a tough day for any movers, however, it was especially rough for our movers because they were stoned. Majorly. Couldn't remember what we said right after we said it and smelled so strongly of weed that we thought we might get high from standing near them. Not awesome. They did an okay job but completely lost steam at the end. Long story short, the owner came out on Monday to repack the last bit of the truck and the trailer that we ended up getting to fit the remaining stuff. This put us a little behind.

Joe's brother Luke arrived on Monday. We departed from River Falls on Tuesday, June 28th a few hours later than we had hoped and went down to Sauk City, WI for one last visit with Joe's grandma, uncle, aunt, and cousin, Sarah. I was really glad for this visit and we will really miss them all.

The next morning we truly hit the road. Luke drove our car while I amused the kids and Joe drove the U-Haul which was also towing the trailer. It was a long three days with the little ones. We stayed at a La Quinta in Indianapolis, then at Luke's apartment in Erie, and finally arrived in Canton on Friday after dropping Luke off in Syracuse. Luke was my hero this trip. It was great to be able to focus on the kids and I can never thank him enough.

Our arrival in Canton was a little bumpy. We had been a little scared about renting a house we had never seen, and some of our fears were realized, but more about that later. First our pizza that we ordered for dinner took 45 minutes to get to us and then was completely wrong, which is a small thing but we were very tired and hungry. Then we realized that we had no hot water because the gas hadn't been turned on (my fault) and since it was a holiday weekend we ended up with no hot water until WEDNESDAY. Then the kids were just disasters. Neither would sleep, they cried and freaked out all night. Then our air mattress sprang a leak. We ended up each sleeping on the floor of a kid's room but didn't get much rest.

Our movers came at 9 the next day and did a great job. Thus began the ongoing monumental task of unpacking. We're very grateful my parents were here for this first week to play with the kids, help us clean and unpack, and let us take showers in their motel room. My mom got in touch with her pioneer side and boiled hot water on the stove to wash dishes and for the kid's baths for four days. My dad spent almost an entire day in the basement sorting through 6 years of tenant's crap and cleaning to get us some usable storage space.

So, the house. It's slanted. The landlord had told us it "wouldn't pass the marble test" but we didn't really grasp how slanted it would be. It hadn't been cleaned well after the last tenants moved out and they had left behind tons of their random stuff, mostly unusable. The basement was FULL of garbage and junk. The wall paper is peeling off. The doors upstairs don't latch easily. There's a list of repairs for the handyman to accomplish. All of these things were initially very discouraging for two exhausted people, arriving in a new place that we feel uncertain about, after weeks of stress.

On the bright side! The kids have their own rooms. The front porch is awesome! We're on a quiet, dead end street and the neighbors are delightful. Joe is a six minute walk from his office. I can walk to the library, post office, Rite Aid, Farmer's Market, a park, a playground. The rent is low so we can save to buy a house. Evening walks through the St. Lawrence campus are lovely.

Now we're just trying to settle in. I'm trying to see if I will be able to adjunct at any of the area colleges in the fall, get Z settled in whatever programs are available for him, etc. Joe met a really nice couple that invited us over on the 4th of July where we met some other very nice people. So far everyone we've met has been very kind and helpful. There is a community of Amish, which is new. I haven't gotten any of their wares yet, but I've enjoyed seeing the horse-drawn buggies around town. Joe and I are definitely feeling some homesickness pangs for Wisconsin and Z has had some tough moments, but overall we're doing well. I'm looking forward to a girl's night in with my friends in Syracuse!!

Annnnd... woosh! They were gone. (We're Moving)

Hello! As you can see from the title, the Blums are packing up and making a move. Joe has been looking for another position ever since we found out that he was losing his full time job in March. He had a week of interviews at the end of May and ultimately was offered and accepted a job at St. Lawrence University in Canton, NY on June 6 with a starting date of July 5. Here's a handy bullet point list of all the things you might want to know.

• Yes, we are returning to upstate New York. The coincidence is not lost on us. 
• Yes, we will miss Wisconsin and UWRF, especially our family here, the mom's group I am a part of, awesome beer, and delicious cheese. It's unfortunate that we had to come to the UW system at this challenging time in its life, but c'est la vie.
• We will be moving at the end of June. I know. Insane. Pray for us.
• We are moving to the small town of Canton, NY, just over the border from Canada. 
• We are excited to be able to visit our friends in Syracuse!
• We're renting a house! Yay! We're very excited about living in a house for the first time and about getting Bear OUT OF OUR ROOM!

This next month is going to be very challenging but we feel like this is a great opportunity for Joe and are excited about the possibilities that await us in Canton! The move might give us some sort of PTSD, but luckily free counseling is included in Joe's benefits, so we can seek out a professional to help us cope with our trauma.

So long, farewell! (I bid adieu to breastfeeding)

I am a lucky, lucky gal. I had been living in terror of weaning Bear but it went as smoothly as I could have possibly hoped. Bear dropped his daytime feedings without a care and offered very little resistance to the rest. We dropped one feeding a week and that seemed to work the best for both of us. I had almost zero pain. All in all a very positive ending to our breastfeeding relationship.

I know for some women it is a very bittersweet experience but I was more like "free at last! Free at last!" Ultimately, I am glad I stuck with it, but having had one breastfed baby and one formula fed, I am hard-pressed to say which I preferred. The moral of the story is: babies need to be fed. Doesn't matter how. The end.

Little Bear is ONE!

I am so far behind because we are crazy over here!

The stats! 22 lbs, 31 inches

The GOOD

The little man started walking in earnest right around his first birthday after taking his first steps on April 11. He's now graduated to spending more of the day on two feet than crawling, which is fun and crazy.

He's a whirlwind of destruction, leaving a path of chaos behind him everywhere he goes. He climbs everything that he can, pulls books off the shelves, pots from the cabinets, hair from my head (ouch). He loves shoes and spends a decent chunk of every day pulling all of the shoes off of the shoe rack while sing-songing, "Shoe, shoe, shoe," to himself over and over. He's starting to repeat a lot of words, which is mind-blowing for us, and is even using some independently like "shoe" and "cracker." He has seven teeth, a huge appetite, and a cheery disposition.

Weaning has been going great, way better than I thought it would. He night weaned so easily that I felt stupid for not trying it earlier. We're down to only nursing before bedtime now and I have my sights on kicking that one once I feel like my body has adjusted enough to handle it with minimal discomfort.

The BAD

At Bear's one year appointment I brought up that he was still waking up sometime around 3-4 AM even though he doesn't want to eat, but he cries, squirms, and is very hard to settle. I had thought maybe it was just teething but his doctor thinks it is reflux that is waking him up and so we just started this week with an antacid. It has seemed to bring him some relief so far.


 The AWESOME

Birthday!

This year has simultaneously seemed so long and so fast. Becoming a mom of two has been a wild ride so far and I am sure it will just keep getting wilder as my boys get bigger and into more mischief. I had some really rough days there at the beginning and sometimes really wondered if we had made the right decision to have a second when we did but I cannot imagine our lives without Bear. He is so precious and brings so much happiness to us. He is the perfect addition to our family and we love him so much.

Dear Bear,

What a special first year of life it has been. It's meant so much to me to get to spend most of it at home with you, watching all of the little changes day to day. How amazing to watch you become a real person with preferences and personality. I love your enthusiasm and adventurous spirit. You've brought so many smiles, laughter, and tears of many kinds into our lives. I can't wait to watch you continue to grow and get to know you more. We love you!
Mama

Birth Day