It's been interesting to breastfeed this time around. With Z I really beat myself up when we weren't able to breastfeed, and for a long time every time I made a bottle of formula for him in public I just felt ashamed and upset. I hoped and hoped my entire second pregnancy that I would be able to breastfeed this baby. Happily, I have been able to without too much difficulty, or I guess I should say with the normal amount of difficulty. Bear latched straight away right after birth and has been a good eater ever since. He's gained weight steadily and is very enthusiastic. I guess you could say it all worked out, and it has, but oftentimes times I wish that the two situations could have been reversed and I could have breast fed my first baby when I didn't have a toddler that I need to care for, but, oh well, so it goes.
What is very interesting to me now is that I can personally compare the two and there are really pros and cons for both ways. This is what I have so far after four months of breastfeeding.
It was nice to share night feedings when doing formula. It was nice to not feel tethered to the baby. I could run out to the store without having to look at the clock and say, "when will he want to eat again..." It was nice to not have to worry about pumping when I'm at work. Joe liked giving bottles and used to always take the early morning feeding and then snooze with Z on the couch. He misses that.
But, it's also nice to not have to carry formula and bottles around. It's nice to know that when Bear is hungry, I can feed him and I don't have to panic if I forgot a bottle (it happened once). It's nice to be saving the money.
Pumping is the worst though. I hate pumping. So much. Also, breastfeeding seems to take MUCH longer and I feel like Bear still eats more often than Z did.
I'm going to mention saving money twice, because that is a large motivating factor for me.
Honestly, I'm not finding breastfeeding all that it was advertised to be. I don't feel a magical bond with Bear when I feed him. Actually, I should say I don't feel a different or more special bond than I felt when I gave Z a bottle. I am more often frustrated by the limitations it puts on me than anything else. People told me to just hang in there through the first two weeks, four weeks and six weeks, because after that it go "so much better." So I kept setting those goals, waiting for things to get better. They didn't. Yes, the pain that I experienced at the beginning got better, but Bear was still a slow eater, he was still eating every 2 hours on the dot, he started sleeping more poorly at night.
At six weeks nothing was "better" and it felt much worse. At 8 weeks I was starting to get really frustrated. At 10 weeks I wanted to stop. I bought four varieties of formula for Joe to try to give Bear in hopes that I could feel less chained to him. Bear spit them out, no matter what we did (mixed with breast milk, warm, cool, ready to drink, powdered). I started getting so frustrated with Bear's lengthy nursing sessions that my skin would crawl while feeding him. I tried to force pacifiers in hopes that any non-nutritive nursing would stop. I found myself muttering, "I hate this. I hate this." Pretty ironic considering how devastated I was over not nursing Z. Only guilt kept me going: guilt over how much money it would cost if I quit breastfeeding, guilt over quitting for selfish reasons when I know so many women shed so many tears over not being able to breastfeed.
I set one last goal for myself: to make it until Bear started solids. I decided I needed to feel like I could get away from him so I committed to pumping every day even though I hated putting on the pump after having just nursed for 45 minutes. I started to slowly build up a stash of breast milk and once I got a little reserve set aside for daycare, I started building a reserve for myself to be able to go out and not feel panicked if Bear got hungry while I was gone. I started to feel better.
We are nearly to 16 weeks now and suddenly, without preamble at 14 weeks, Bear started nursing a lot faster, 15-30 minutes for 7 of his 9 feedings. Yep, he's still eating 9 times a day on average, but it's much more bearable now that it's taking much less time. Even though now I think I can make it to one year, I'm still setting small goals. I'm sticking with my current goal of getting to Bear eating solids, so six months, and then I'll reevaluate. And probably write another post.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
August Update
Wow, goodbye summer. What an exhausting blur you've been for me.
The dapper fellow:
Joe celebrated his birthday with friends and ice cream cake! Huzzah!
He managed to get all of his summer work projects done! Double huzzah! He also performed with an improv team and successfully auditioned for another, as well as had one of his team ideas chosen for a little festival type deal. He's now feverishly preparing for his new classes in the fall and trying to let his wife get some sleep when possible. What a good husband.
Joe also took Z to swim lessons this month for two weeks. It was pretty adorable sending the two of them off to the park via bike and bike trailer to go swimming. Z did well for the most part with only a couple of melt downs. It's hard to tell a squirmy two year old he can't get in the pool yet.
The less dapper lady:
Let's be honest, if my hair is brushed and I don't have spit up on my clothes, I'm doing well.
I'm also feverishly preparing for my classes. I'm looking forward to the new semester and getting to know all my students, but I know it's going to be a lot of work balancing my kiddos and classes. Our fall schedule looks like this:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: 8-12 boys are at daycare. I have a 9 AM and 11 AM English 100 class.
Tuesday: Preschool Open Gym 9:30-10:30
Thursday: Mom's Group Meeting 9:30-11
My goal was for Z to have active play time every morning outside of our house so we didn't get stir crazy this winter in our small home and I have succeeded. He loves the playroom at the mom meeting and the preschool open gym, which is offered through River Falls Community Education, is the most brilliant idea ever. Just a gym, a bunch of toys and piles of preschoolers running all their energy out. He also gets "large muscle playtime" at daycare, so it's great.
Speaking of the eldest:
He's adjusting well to the new schedule so far and now doesn't seem to have a problem making it to the later nap time. He's always busy and creative. He still has his meltdowns, but they are getting to be fewer and he's becoming a good listener. He definitely understands actions and consequences and loves pushing boundaries, ex. I told him not to throw a book,and he stopped, but then dropped it on the floor over and over. When I told him to stop that, he did, but then sat on the floor letting it fall out of his hands. All with a big smile on his face. Little stinker.
He's gotten really good at kicking a ball, like a little soccer player, which is adorable and makes me think we'll have to sign him up for tiny people soccer aka "watch the child swarm chase a ball." I really enjoy the one on one time I get with him these days and love our "dates" to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings.
He's still not talking much, which continues to mildly concern me. I was told he would not even be considered for speech therapy until 6 months after his ear tubes surgery, so I'm going to talk to his doctor about getting him an evaluation at Bear's 4 month appointment since I've heard the process can take awhile. Less because I really think he needs it and more because I know that if he ultimately does and I didn't get him evaluated, I would feel really guilty. So, it's for my peace of mind more than anything else. I should probably just be patient, and if I'm being honest with myself, I still think it's at least 75% due to his personality and that he will talk when he decides he's ready. However, I do still worry about his hearing and wonder if he has had some permanent hearing loss. Basically, I'm just too paranoid and crazy to wait it out.
And then there's the tiny:
I don't have a lot to say about the tiny because he gets monthly posts of his own right now. So, he's a picture. He's very good at grabbing and holding things now. After all, something needs to be in his mouth at all times or devastation!!!
The dapper fellow:
Joe celebrated his birthday with friends and ice cream cake! Huzzah!
Joe also took Z to swim lessons this month for two weeks. It was pretty adorable sending the two of them off to the park via bike and bike trailer to go swimming. Z did well for the most part with only a couple of melt downs. It's hard to tell a squirmy two year old he can't get in the pool yet.
The less dapper lady:
Let's be honest, if my hair is brushed and I don't have spit up on my clothes, I'm doing well.
 |
| Hair, not brushed. Random pillow from me trying to sleep on couch one day. Hot mess.Cute kids. Blurry selfie. |
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: 8-12 boys are at daycare. I have a 9 AM and 11 AM English 100 class.
Tuesday: Preschool Open Gym 9:30-10:30
Thursday: Mom's Group Meeting 9:30-11
My goal was for Z to have active play time every morning outside of our house so we didn't get stir crazy this winter in our small home and I have succeeded. He loves the playroom at the mom meeting and the preschool open gym, which is offered through River Falls Community Education, is the most brilliant idea ever. Just a gym, a bunch of toys and piles of preschoolers running all their energy out. He also gets "large muscle playtime" at daycare, so it's great.
Speaking of the eldest:
He's adjusting well to the new schedule so far and now doesn't seem to have a problem making it to the later nap time. He's always busy and creative. He still has his meltdowns, but they are getting to be fewer and he's becoming a good listener. He definitely understands actions and consequences and loves pushing boundaries, ex. I told him not to throw a book,and he stopped, but then dropped it on the floor over and over. When I told him to stop that, he did, but then sat on the floor letting it fall out of his hands. All with a big smile on his face. Little stinker. He's gotten really good at kicking a ball, like a little soccer player, which is adorable and makes me think we'll have to sign him up for tiny people soccer aka "watch the child swarm chase a ball." I really enjoy the one on one time I get with him these days and love our "dates" to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings.
He's still not talking much, which continues to mildly concern me. I was told he would not even be considered for speech therapy until 6 months after his ear tubes surgery, so I'm going to talk to his doctor about getting him an evaluation at Bear's 4 month appointment since I've heard the process can take awhile. Less because I really think he needs it and more because I know that if he ultimately does and I didn't get him evaluated, I would feel really guilty. So, it's for my peace of mind more than anything else. I should probably just be patient, and if I'm being honest with myself, I still think it's at least 75% due to his personality and that he will talk when he decides he's ready. However, I do still worry about his hearing and wonder if he has had some permanent hearing loss. Basically, I'm just too paranoid and crazy to wait it out.
And then there's the tiny:I don't have a lot to say about the tiny because he gets monthly posts of his own right now. So, he's a picture. He's very good at grabbing and holding things now. After all, something needs to be in his mouth at all times or devastation!!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Infants. Freals y'all.
Guys, I'm just gonna say it. Infants are not my favorite brand of baby. When Z was an infant I was okay with it because I didn't know any better. But now, I know. And I find infants no fun as a result.
Here are the complaints I would like to lodge against my adorable little Bear:
- Crappy napping. If Bear was hoping to drive me to the brink of insanity, the way to do it is to require an hour of nursing, dancing, shushing, swaying, rocking and then only sleep for 15 minutes. Lord, have mercy. Seriously.
- Rage against everything. Carrier. Car. Stroller. Rage, rage, rage.
- Slowest breastfeeding ever. 45 minutes every two hours. Z was not amused. Neither was I.
- Night sleep. Or lack thereof. He lulled me into a false sense of security with sleeping well the first two months and then KABLAM!
Because of the aforementioned items which made things like, oh, grocery shopping, making dinner, playing with the crabby toddler, not sitting in the rocking chair and nursing, extremely difficult without copious crying, I was starting to lose it. I'm sure that I've repressed a lot of difficult aspects of Z's babyhood, but I know one thing for certain. He loved the carrier and when he was fussy or tired I could just pop him in there and he would be out like a light. Bear offered no reprieve of this kind. The only thing that made him happy was nursing. Nursing forever. I tried a million (10-12) pacifiers. I tried a bottle. I tried every teething toy we own. Nope. He wanted me and only me. Substitutions not accepted.
I know some women really enjoy that aspect of breastfeeding, the whole baby relies on you 100% for life and whatnot. I don't. Like I said, I was starting to snap. I would feel legitimately angry when he would only nap for 15 minutes or nurse for an hour before bed. Then I would feel guilty for being angry at an infant. Z would be crying or begging me to play with him and that just compounded the feelings of guilt and frustration. I knew it was going to be hard adjustment to have two kids but I started thinking that something, anything had to change or I just couldn't keep this up. I started thinking about quitting breastfeeding to get some reprieve or leaving Bear to cry himself to sleep for naps.
Then, a magic moment. In a desperate middle of the night internet search, I ran across a post on troublesometots.com suggesting letting your crappy napper sleep in the swing. For some reason I had it in my head that Bear needing to be learning to sleep in his crib at this time and using any other sleep crutch would break him forever. The next day, I followed her suggestion and he napped for 4 hours that day (not consecutively). I told my parents I was just going to give up and let him have a sleep crutch. They, in nicer terms, told me that my generation and all our baby raising rules are insanity and that I needed to do whatever I could to get some rest and get Bear some rest. So that's what I started doing. Bear napped in his swing during the day and slept in his bed at night with a vibration unit to help settle him. I actually got some uninterrupted time with Z every day. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
After that, it seemed like Bear suddenly turned a corner. My BFF Shana claims that God saw I was about to lose it and arranged this reprieve, which is entirely possible. Bear cried less in the car. Bear would fall asleep and nap in the carrier if we had to be out when he was tired. Bear went for a ride in the stroller and didn't scream. Bear started nursing for only 20-30 minutes!!!! Sometimes as little as 15! He started napping on something resembling a schedule and then finally started waking less frequently at night. He's still up more than I would like, but progress is progress.
My baby is growing up and I'm thankful and sad at the same time. It's always bittersweet to see my babies growing, even though I love watching them learn and grow and discover who they are. However, in this case it's a lot more sweet than bitter because seriously, I don't really like the newborn stage and I'm thankful we've made it through the first three months. Onward!
Because of the aforementioned items which made things like, oh, grocery shopping, making dinner, playing with the crabby toddler, not sitting in the rocking chair and nursing, extremely difficult without copious crying, I was starting to lose it. I'm sure that I've repressed a lot of difficult aspects of Z's babyhood, but I know one thing for certain. He loved the carrier and when he was fussy or tired I could just pop him in there and he would be out like a light. Bear offered no reprieve of this kind. The only thing that made him happy was nursing. Nursing forever. I tried a million (10-12) pacifiers. I tried a bottle. I tried every teething toy we own. Nope. He wanted me and only me. Substitutions not accepted.
I know some women really enjoy that aspect of breastfeeding, the whole baby relies on you 100% for life and whatnot. I don't. Like I said, I was starting to snap. I would feel legitimately angry when he would only nap for 15 minutes or nurse for an hour before bed. Then I would feel guilty for being angry at an infant. Z would be crying or begging me to play with him and that just compounded the feelings of guilt and frustration. I knew it was going to be hard adjustment to have two kids but I started thinking that something, anything had to change or I just couldn't keep this up. I started thinking about quitting breastfeeding to get some reprieve or leaving Bear to cry himself to sleep for naps.
Then, a magic moment. In a desperate middle of the night internet search, I ran across a post on troublesometots.com suggesting letting your crappy napper sleep in the swing. For some reason I had it in my head that Bear needing to be learning to sleep in his crib at this time and using any other sleep crutch would break him forever. The next day, I followed her suggestion and he napped for 4 hours that day (not consecutively). I told my parents I was just going to give up and let him have a sleep crutch. They, in nicer terms, told me that my generation and all our baby raising rules are insanity and that I needed to do whatever I could to get some rest and get Bear some rest. So that's what I started doing. Bear napped in his swing during the day and slept in his bed at night with a vibration unit to help settle him. I actually got some uninterrupted time with Z every day. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
After that, it seemed like Bear suddenly turned a corner. My BFF Shana claims that God saw I was about to lose it and arranged this reprieve, which is entirely possible. Bear cried less in the car. Bear would fall asleep and nap in the carrier if we had to be out when he was tired. Bear went for a ride in the stroller and didn't scream. Bear started nursing for only 20-30 minutes!!!! Sometimes as little as 15! He started napping on something resembling a schedule and then finally started waking less frequently at night. He's still up more than I would like, but progress is progress.
My baby is growing up and I'm thankful and sad at the same time. It's always bittersweet to see my babies growing, even though I love watching them learn and grow and discover who they are. However, in this case it's a lot more sweet than bitter because seriously, I don't really like the newborn stage and I'm thankful we've made it through the first three months. Onward!
Friday, August 14, 2015
Three Months!
Woot, Little Bear is three months old! We're almost past the hardest part (in my opinion).
Bear sleeps great at night. We are down to one night time feeding, usually around 3:30 AM. He's been just getting up, eating and going right back to sleep. I'm loving it. At the time of this writing he even went from 9 PM feeding to 4:30 AM feeding. Wooooot. (I'm publishing this a couple weeks after I wrote this and of course none of this is true anymore)
The Good
Bear sleeps great at night. We are down to one night time feeding, usually around 3:30 AM. He's been just getting up, eating and going right back to sleep. I'm loving it. At the time of this writing he even went from 9 PM feeding to 4:30 AM feeding. Wooooot. (I'm publishing this a couple weeks after I wrote this and of course none of this is true anymore)
Bear is also SUPER smiley. If he's eaten and doesn't want to sleep, he is just all smiles, coos, and wiggles. He will look all around and just smile. I love the smiles. He loves to look at people the most, but is starting to get interested in toys and is finally okay with being put down in his bouncy seat or the play mat to play by himself for a bit.
The other great thing is we seem to have gotten a handle on the blood in his poop issue. I cut out dairy but upon the suggestion of Bear's new pediatrician, I started adding it back in to see if I got a reaction. So far he's not reacted to anything and now we are starting to think that it might have been a little virus and dairy is fine after all. Only time will tell.
The Bad
As Bear becomes more aware of his surroundings he's much more difficult to get to sleep during the day. He rejects most of the go-to baby sleep strategies like car rides, stroller rides, and baby wearing (which kills me). He will scream relentlessly in the car, stroller and carrier or wrap until he just reaches a place of exhaustion or something and will give up and go to sleep. But it's like 20 minutes of screaming, which I can't handle (neither can Z!) unless there is no choice (like in the car or if we walked somewhere with the stroller and now we have to get home). I'm hoping he will outgrow his hatred of all of these things.
I'm also still holding on to the hope that he will take a pacifier, just because he wants to suck all the time but sucking on our fingers constantly is not feasible. I've got about 7 different brands that I keep on trying out even though I know it's probably futile. Why do my children hate pacifiers?
The Awesome
Bear is still nursing like a champ and takes a bottle from Joe without a problem, which is a relief. I dream that someday soon I'll have enough milk set by to leave him for a night out. He's growing like a weed. He is fascinated by Z and I love watching him watch Z. He loves splashing in the tub and being upright so he can see everything. Overall he is truly a delight.
Monday, August 3, 2015
July Recap
Whew. What a month.
We had our first out of town trip as a family of four. We're never leaving home again. No, no, just kidding, it wasn't that bad, but anyone who has shared a hotel room with a toddler and infant knows that is a special situation. We ended up jamming Z's pack n play into the bathroom to make him go to sleep and we just made the trip down to the lobby for any nocturnal toilet needs. If there is one thing that is true of small children, it is they thrive on a schedule and familiarity. Traveling murders this.
However! It was great to see Grandma Sally and Joe's aunts and uncles. I love getting to bring the boys to see Grandma Sally because she's always so delighted to see her great-grandsons and trots them out to the other residents. I love the little town she lives in and it's always a pleasant time. Everyone showered the kids with gifts and love, which made me feel proud, even when Z was melting down from the combination of no naps, too much excitement and sheer toddler insanity.
Joe's parents and Hannah came up with us and stayed for four days, which was fun. Hannah loves her nephews and is always an enthusiastic guest.
A week later my parents came in for a week and Joe's brother, Zac, popped in for a couple days. More fun and frolicking. I was especially excited to visit the Como Conservatory with my parents and get to see the outdoor plants and gardens. I'd only ever been in the winter so this was great. I went on the carousel with Z also, which was hilarious. He looked completely stoned the entire time so I thought he was not enjoying it at all but then he sobbed when it was over and didn't want to get off.
Now, we are winding down from all of our visitors. Joe and I are working to get ready for the semester. I'm also working on getting the boys on their new schedule for the fall. Z will be going to his new daycare for a couple hours twice a week starting August 10th to get him acclimated and then will start our fall schedule August 24th. Bear will start either the 24th or the next week.
I'm feeling really good about the new daycare. The director has been really wonderful to talk to and work with. She's being really accommodating with my schedule and helpful in making me feel comfortable with the new situation. I think it will be great for Z to have the social playtime for those mornings but still get to nap at home. I worry a little more about Bear, but he's considerably older than Z was when he started going to a sitter so I'm sure he'll be fine. My biggest anxiety is pumping enough milk for daycare. I've never gotten a lot of milk from the pump and never can pump enough for a bottle in one session. It generally takes me 2-3 times to get enough for one bottle so I'm worried I won't be able to freeze enough milk to have plenty of extra if Bear has hungry days. Since Bear has this milk protein intolerance he can't have regular formula, so I'm going to talk to the doctor about trying him on soy formula, just so I'll have a safety net to put my mind at ease. He's shown no signs of a soy intolerance so I'm hoping he would tolerate soy formula if we needed it in a pinch.
Otherwise, we're doing well overall. It's been really challenging for me to be home with the boys and try to figure out day by day how to meet their needs. I usually feel like I'm neglecting one or the other and go from feeling like I have a handle on things to crying over feeling like the worst mother in the world an hour later. I've been immeasurably grateful for my mom friends whose encouragement and understanding keeps me puttering along. I keep reminding myself that this is a short season. My boys will not be so little for very long and things are going to get easier.
My recap of July: we're tired, but well loved by our families and blessed by our beautiful and challenging sons.
We had our first out of town trip as a family of four. We're never leaving home again. No, no, just kidding, it wasn't that bad, but anyone who has shared a hotel room with a toddler and infant knows that is a special situation. We ended up jamming Z's pack n play into the bathroom to make him go to sleep and we just made the trip down to the lobby for any nocturnal toilet needs. If there is one thing that is true of small children, it is they thrive on a schedule and familiarity. Traveling murders this.
However! It was great to see Grandma Sally and Joe's aunts and uncles. I love getting to bring the boys to see Grandma Sally because she's always so delighted to see her great-grandsons and trots them out to the other residents. I love the little town she lives in and it's always a pleasant time. Everyone showered the kids with gifts and love, which made me feel proud, even when Z was melting down from the combination of no naps, too much excitement and sheer toddler insanity.
Joe's parents and Hannah came up with us and stayed for four days, which was fun. Hannah loves her nephews and is always an enthusiastic guest.
A week later my parents came in for a week and Joe's brother, Zac, popped in for a couple days. More fun and frolicking. I was especially excited to visit the Como Conservatory with my parents and get to see the outdoor plants and gardens. I'd only ever been in the winter so this was great. I went on the carousel with Z also, which was hilarious. He looked completely stoned the entire time so I thought he was not enjoying it at all but then he sobbed when it was over and didn't want to get off.
Now, we are winding down from all of our visitors. Joe and I are working to get ready for the semester. I'm also working on getting the boys on their new schedule for the fall. Z will be going to his new daycare for a couple hours twice a week starting August 10th to get him acclimated and then will start our fall schedule August 24th. Bear will start either the 24th or the next week.
I'm feeling really good about the new daycare. The director has been really wonderful to talk to and work with. She's being really accommodating with my schedule and helpful in making me feel comfortable with the new situation. I think it will be great for Z to have the social playtime for those mornings but still get to nap at home. I worry a little more about Bear, but he's considerably older than Z was when he started going to a sitter so I'm sure he'll be fine. My biggest anxiety is pumping enough milk for daycare. I've never gotten a lot of milk from the pump and never can pump enough for a bottle in one session. It generally takes me 2-3 times to get enough for one bottle so I'm worried I won't be able to freeze enough milk to have plenty of extra if Bear has hungry days. Since Bear has this milk protein intolerance he can't have regular formula, so I'm going to talk to the doctor about trying him on soy formula, just so I'll have a safety net to put my mind at ease. He's shown no signs of a soy intolerance so I'm hoping he would tolerate soy formula if we needed it in a pinch.
Otherwise, we're doing well overall. It's been really challenging for me to be home with the boys and try to figure out day by day how to meet their needs. I usually feel like I'm neglecting one or the other and go from feeling like I have a handle on things to crying over feeling like the worst mother in the world an hour later. I've been immeasurably grateful for my mom friends whose encouragement and understanding keeps me puttering along. I keep reminding myself that this is a short season. My boys will not be so little for very long and things are going to get easier.
My recap of July: we're tired, but well loved by our families and blessed by our beautiful and challenging sons.
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