Development - Part 3

First, I'm going to begin with a couple confessions.

Ever since the daycare evaluation I wrote about back in April, I've been really paranoid and worried about Z. I think what is really happening is that for the first time I am being faced with the reality that my kid isn't perfect. Z has always been happy and healthy. He met his milestones until this talking delay and he was an easy baby. I've never before had to confront the idea that he was anything other than "perfect." This hasn't been easy for me. 

Logically, I know a lot of good and reasonable thoughts, but I'm not being logical right now. Emotionally, I'm really scared to have a child that might need extra help. I'm ashamed to admit how much value I place on being "smart." I'm ashamed to admit how much it bothers me to think that Z might struggle in school or be an outcast among his peers. I'm ashamed that I feel embarrassed to tell people that Z is getting early intervention and that they are using a weighted therapy vest on him at school to help him cope with his emotions. I'm typing it here partially to get over these stupid feelings.

I'm truly ashamed because that is not practicing what I preach. I truly believe that people with special needs are just a different kind of unique. We all have our quirks, theirs might just be more obvious. I truly believe that there is more to life than doing well in school and going to college. I truly believe that there is no shame in therapy and that the stigma associated with it is a very serious problem in our society. I truly believe that struggles shape us and make us into better people. 

But, he's my son. I want everything to be perfect and easy for him. I want his life to be free from struggles. My mother heart wants smooth sailing and easy living for my children. I want him to be happy. 

That last thought is what finally pulled me out of this shame spiral. My son is happy. He's sweet and loving. He loves smiling at people and reading books. He loves jumping in puddles and kicking balls. He's creative and clever, mischievous and frustrating. He's a wonderful little boy with an infectious laugh.

He just needs a little help getting his words out. He needs a little extra reassurance when situations scare him at daycare. He's sensitive and empathetic. He worries about doing things well. In the end, he's only two. Who knows what's going on in his head?

So, here's the deal. One hour of speech therapy a week in our home or daycare. The speech pathologist is very sweet and gentle. I liked her immediately. I will participate with the sessions and we will come up with strategies together that we think will help Z make whatever connections he needs to use his vast vocabulary in his day to day life. He will be in this program until he turns three, at which time he might transfer into a program through the school system. 

Lastly, here is what I am thankful for: my son is happy. He's a healthy kid. I don't have to be afraid for his life. He's sweet and wonderful. I'm blessed every day to be his mother and I'm so grateful that I live in a place where extra help is available to him. I'm glad we're taking this step. 

Some random moments

Here are a couple things that gave me some chuckles and smiles:

- I was grocery shopping and Bear started crying. Around the corner I hear a woman say, "oh listen! It's a young one!" She followed the yowls and took a peek at my squalling son. With a beatific smile, she looked at me and said, "Oh, what a blessing they are." I almost choked on my laughter. Blessing wasn't the word I'd been looking for at the moment, but thank you kind older lady.

- I love when I smile at Z and he just starts chuckling. He can be such a happy little cutie.

- Z was in the bath and Joe held Bear up so he could see and Bear started laughing hysterically. Once Z realized he was the object of Bear's delight he started laughing too. I don't know if I have known joy like listening to my sons laughing together for the first time.

- Z has become quite the little hand holder. Sometimes he'll just hold one of our hands at the table when we are eating.

- Bear is so smiley. He can't stop himself. He's getting chubbier now so his face is all chub, rolls and fake dimples when he smiles. It's wonderful.

- Bear has started doing this thing when he nurses when he will suddenly stop, disengage, look up at me, smile hugely, and then resume eating. It's adorable.

- Z and I just started trying toddler yoga. One session ended with me rolling him up in my yoga mat. He thought it was hilarious and kept saying, "Snuggles! Snuggles!"

- Bear is obsessed with older U2. He can be crying hysterically, U2 will come on and this happens:

total zen

- It's getting so much easier to be a mom of two and have fun. I love seeing them enjoy interacting. Bear loves Z with all his heart, all the time. Z is still uncertain but sometimes we have moments like this:

Z trying to give Bear kisses.

Some Musings on Mommy Judging

There's a lot of chatter these days about "Mommy Wars" and judging each other's parenting choices. I know that these aren't made up issues and there are certainly times people are actually judging our parenting choices, but I was musing today about how often I perceive judgment when it doesn't actually exist.

For example, when I couldn't breastfeed Z, every time I mixed a bottle of formula in the presence of moms who were breastfeeding I felt like they were looking down on me for not trying hard enough to give my son breast milk. In reality, I have no idea what they were thinking. I know now as a mom on the other side of the fence, when I see another mom pull out a bottle of formula for her baby I either think absolutely nothing or I am a little jealous, depending on the situation.

I think this happens a lot because the natural reaction to hearing someone's parenting choices is to compare them to your own and assume that if you aren't doing the same, they must think you are wrong. After all, you both looked at the same situation and you made different choices. However, I don't think it's that black and white, though I'm guilty of feeling that way all the time. Someone might see me pull out some organic teddy grahams for Z and assume that I am all organic and am standing in judgment of their goldfish crackers. I'm not. The organic teddy grahams were on sale and thereby cheaper than the regular kind. Maybe you'll hear me say someday that I couldn't get into the Weissbluth sleep methods and you are a Weissbluth devotee and now believe that I think you are terrible. I don't, I just didn't have the discipline for Weissbluth. If he and I met, we couldn't be friends because I am way too much of a hot mess for him.

I feel automatically judged when I have to admit that I didn't take Z's bottles away until he was 20 months old. Or that I drank coffee through my entire pregnancy. Or that I have totally let my babies sleep on soft surfaces!! (Supervised, but they were soft. Super soft.) How about that I put Bear to sleep on his side, not on his back, because he loves it and was rolling onto his side to sleep the day he was born?

The thing is, we are all unique and our children are unique. We know them better than anyone else and know what they need. Also, we know our family dynamic and what we all as a unit need. Our bedtime routines could be different because our kids settle down differently. Our discipline measures could be different because our kids react differently to time outs, etc. Maybe you love to co-sleep, and I say more power to you, but I can't get a wink of sleep if I have a kid in bed with me at night.*  It doesn't mean someone is right and someone is wrong. It doesn't even mean that we are judging each other. It means we are doing the best we can to be the best parents we can to our individual children.

With social media we often catch little glimpses into people's lives that we are otherwise unfamiliar with. We read a snippet about how little bean is doing this or that and how their parent is using this or that strategy but we don't know little bean. We don't really know what little bean's personality is like day to day. We don't know what struggles and victories that little bean and mommy/daddy have been sharing. This makes it easy to judge or feel judged. It's either, "egads! She lets little bean eat fast food!!" or "egads! little bean is sleeping 12 hours straight every night! I'm failing as a parent!"

Friend, you are not failing as a parent. I learn more and more every day as a new mom of two that children are so gloriously, frustratingly, amazingly unique. Little bean might sleep 12 hours every night but be a napping terror. Little squash might be the happiest baby in the world during waking hours but be demanding and fussy at night time. As my mom has said many times, no one is perfect. All of our beautiful children will have problems, perfections and everything in between. Let's embrace them and what works for our families with confidence.

And remember, if anyone tries to tell you what you should do with your baby at night, give them your address, thank them for volunteering to be your night nurse and say you'll see them at 7.

*Joe, on the other hand can and does sleep with our sons all the time. Just a snuggly pile of humans that I can't even fathom. I  know that there are things that say fathers aren't aware of their children when they are sleeping like mothers, and therefore aren't as safe, but that is not the case with our home. Joe can somehow be completely unconscious and have a grip of steel on whatever kid he is sleeping with, holding them safe and secure. It's truly impressive.

Four months! Wooot!

PEACE OUT FOURTH TRIMESTER! GOOD RIDDANCE!

The GOOD

Bear started nursing faster, sleeping more (during the day), crying less. HURRAH!

He is a super smiley little guy. He much prefers looking at people to looking at toys and gets a giant smile on his face when someone smiles at or talks to him. He loves watching Z play and basically has a happiness explosion every time Z deigns to interact with him. (Z, I'm pretty sure, still thinks that Bear might be some sort of toy we brought home for him that rarely lives up to the hype.) He laughs and coos all the time and is frighteningly strong and coordinated. He's working really hard on inch worm crawling, sitting by himself (he's getting scary good at this) and trying to roll from back to front. It terrifies me.


The BAD

Bear is really hit or miss with night time sleep so far, which equals a very tired mommy. He tends to sleep in stretches that decrease as the night progresses. Goes down between 7 and 8, up at 11, 2, 4, and 6. Z was sleeping from 7-6, waking up for an hour and going back to sleep at this time, so Bear is kinda killing me with this. As my mom always says, every kid is different. Bear won't sleep like this forever so I just have to battle through. I know that Z did have a sleep regression somewhere in the 4-5 months range, but it was never as hard since Joe was sharing the night time duties.

I'm struggling a little to adjust to Bear's time at daycare, but I know I need to be patient and allow time for him to get used to something different. As all working moms know, it's really hard to leave your baby who has always depended on you with someone else, no matter how great they are. But, I am overwhelmed by guilt anytime he cries.

I'm having some pain with breastfeeding and pumping, which is lame. I've been trying to work on Bear's latch but it doesn't seem to be working.

He also almost made me go crazy this last month, but we won't dwell on that since he has made so many delightful improvements.

The AWESOME

Bear is becoming more like a real person now. I feel like we're finally getting into the part that makes me love being a parent- watching their personalities emerge and all of the new discoveries every day. I can't wait to find out more about Bear and see him interact more with all of us. I'm loving watching he and Z together.

Like I said in another post, I feel like I'm turning the corner and getting out of the part that's really hard for me. Not that parenting older babies or my toddler is easy all the time, but it's just a brand of kid that's easier for me to cope with. I don't know why, I just know that's how it works for me. Fortunately the newborn phase is short lived.

Know what ages I am nervous about? 11 to 14. Yikes.