Someone has opinions

Z seems like a real person now. He has very distinct opinions, interests, dislikes, etc. We're talking specifics here people. He played for about 30 minutes with a wax paper bag. Only that bag would do. Do not take away the bag.

I guess getting his third tooth has made him decide he needs to eat all the things. I sent some food with him to his sitter's house for the first time on Monday because she said he'd been giving her the eye. We hadn't really been feeding him more than dinner at home, so I just tossed in a variety of things I had on hand in case he was feeling picky, but I didn't expect him to eat much.

I was mistaken.

He wanted ALL the things.

Two containers of fruits, some crackers, and some of what his sitter's kids were having for lunch and I guess he was okay. When this was reported to me I thought, "EH!?" Since when does he have a hollow leg? Since Monday apparently because yesterday he housed his fruit and yogurt breakfast and then proceeded to put away a bowlful of corn, quinoa, kale puree, multiple crackers, and some cooked apple.

This is where our son's opinions come in.

The child was shrieking in his high chair. Straining against the straps, flinging his head back as far as he possibly could, pushing against the tray with his feet. Just freaking out in general. We reacted like any (new?) parent might-

"He must be in pain! Get him out of the highchair!!"

(Remove child from high chair. Eats in mama's lap for a bit. Still has rage. Clearly wants food. Returned to high chair. Rage renews.)

This was the ultimate solution to Z's rage . He required the following things (Duh, Mom and Dad. Why did it take you so long to figure out?):

• Two dinner items (apples AND puree) to alternate between
• An assortment of finger foods so he could practice his new trick of feeding himself crackers
• An empty bowl to pick up occasionally and examine
• sometimes the bowl was hurled to the floor. It then needed to be returned promptly.

Once these "needs" were fulfilled the child was happy as a clam and joyfully inhaled his dinner with much cheer.

He also vomited (spit up? I'm never sure) some of those dinner items at an unknown time of the night, rubbed his head in the puddle, rolled over and went back to sleep. Apparently he didn't feel like this was an issue he needed to cry about to let me know something was amiss. Oh sure, some nights he cries for no discernible reason, but this time... naaahhh... he's all good Mama! Ain't no thang! Vomit sleep is fun!

Six AND Seven Months Old!

I knew it was coming but I still felt amazed that our little guy is already 6 months old! Half a year! I remember when he was first born and I would be reading Baby 411 and so many things change at 6 months but it seemed so far away. Now, boom! It's here! My little newborn is long, long gone and now I've got a laughing, tooth growing, squirmy, wiggly, adorable, wonderful little man.

The Good - Z doing so well with solids. He loves them and is always looking to try something new. He's also trying so hard to army crawl but he just can't quite get it. He can sit pretty well, though he still topples often times. He still loves to stand and wishes he could do it all the time. He'll stand holding onto the ottoman sometimes but he gets so excited that he can't maintain it for very long. He's a rolling pro now and rolls himself all around his crib while he's falling asleep so it's anyone's guess what position you'll find the kid in when you go in to get him.

The Bad - Teething. TEETHING! We've found it tends to make our baby cranky and not sleep well. We know he's got two more ready to pop through any day now on the bottom and we're guessing the top two are looking to make an appearance as well. We miss sleep, though generally he's still only waking once a night, which isn't too bad.

The AWESOME - Getting to know Z's personality, seeing his utter delight in the outdoors, sleepy snuggles and hysterical laughing

The Stats via his 6 month appointment:
Weight - 20 lbs on the dot
Length -
Eyes - Still blue, much to my astonishment. Genetic surprise!
Hair - I have no idea. It's seems like it's all the colors.


ANNNND

SEVEN months old!

Lordy, where does the time go?

The GOOD!

Our boy is a sitting CHAMP now, even though he can't get into the sitting position by himself yet. He likes to sit in the tub and wildly splash the water and try to pick up the drain. He was also given a dancing Christmas decoration that he is mesmerized by. He'll sit and watch it for a good 15 minutes, never sure which aspect he should stare at with incredible intensity. The penguin with the bell on its tail?! The star on the tree!? So many choices!

This last month I have noticed Z's tendency toward intense focus increase. When he sees new things, he is incredibly intense and serious about it. He will stare and stare, poke and prod, test and examine everything. It's quite difficult to get smiles and laughs out of him in new situations or with new people around because he is so distracted by taking everything in. He's been a bit more clingy this month as well, wanting to be worn more than go in his stroller and liking to sit in our laps. It's made his bedtime book one of my favorite times of the day because he will actually sit and look at the book as I read it to him instead of squirming and struggling like he used to.

The BAAAAAAAAD

The dang teeth just won't come and seem to cause Z a lot of distress off and on. Plus Z had his first cold, which was sad. He's still got a lingering cough but doesn't seem too upset about it. Honestly, his cold probably bothers me more than it bothers him. I live in dread that he will have an ear infection or some other malady and I won't realize it and won't take him to the doctor when I should.

Also, there is still tummy rage. I have no idea what the deal is but the child has serious tummy rage. Put him on his tummy and he will scold you and then promptly roll over.

My final sorrow is that Z has outgrown his one-piece 9 month clothes insanely fast. Farewell adorable fox jumpsuit. I will miss you.

The Awesome-sauce

Being parents. Seeing Z change and grow all the time. It's amazing.

"I do what I want!"

I learned an important lesson the past two days - don't put too many expectations on a baby.

On Wednesday we took Z to the Lights on the Lake stroll. Keep in mind, this child is obsessed with lights. Obsessed I tell you! I thought he would think the lights on the lake were ah-may-zing. I thought he would be smiling and reaching for them and having a good time. At the least, mesmerized. Right? Reasonable? Instead he slept for half of the time, woke up and then cried until I picked him up and carried him (we were way farther from the car than I had thought. Gotta stop leaving the ergo in the car!) Once Mama was carrying him he was pretty intrigued, but it was not as I had imagined.

Then, last night, I had another brilliant idea. You see, I had received many coupons from Gerber so I had procured this little item:

 

Z went crazy for it. LOVED it. So I decided I would try to make him some homemade. I did a little research and ended up making some tiny star pasta and a cheese sauce with formula instead of milk for extra baby goodness and threw in some pureed broccoli, carrot and cauliflower for good measure. I was so excited to feed it to Z when he woke from his nap. Alas, my son was very sad when he awoke from his nap and all he wanted was a warm bottle and mama snuggles. He had no interest in the food crafted by his mama's loving hands. Rejected!

In real life, where I'm not being silly, it was fun taking Z to Lights on the Lake. He was an adorable little baby bundle and I didn't mind getting an arm workout toting along my 20+ pound lad. And the mac n cheese is sitting in the fridge, waiting for my little man, who seemed much more cheery this morning, to have it for dinner tonight. And even if he hates it, it's okay. I just like to take a moment and acknowledge the times I really feel like I have a light bulb moment in parenting when those things that you knew about become the things that you know. 

I guess I'm still me after all

Every year I set a goal for myself of how many books I will read that year, including audiobooks. To give you an idea of my normal consumption, I submit my past numbers:

2010 - 81 books

2011 - 76 books

2012 - 71 books

I knew this year I would have a newborn in April so I set a modest goal of 40 books. Honestly, I wasn't sure I would even reach that since I used to listen to books while running and I knew my reading time at home would be very limited. But... I did. I just finished my 40th book today. 

For some reason, I feel very pleased with this. I think it's because it means that even though my life is very different, I'm still me. I still love to read, I still make time for a couple pages before bed (I can't make it a full chapter much these days), I still have an audiobook on hand for down moments at work or when I'm doing chores after Z is in bed. I've had to put aside a lot of things I used to do pre-Z, but this is one thing I've managed to keep. Sure, it's a lot less reading than I used to do, but, pft, so what? My soul is still nourished by books and now it's even better because I get to share them with my Squish. We haven't quite finished Little Women yet, but we're on our way, and I cherish the quiet time before bed when I read Squishy his bedtime story and he just lays back quietly and gazes at the pictures. It's a part of me I love so I'm glad I'm hanging on to my passion for books to share with my baby boy.

To Crawl or Not to Crawl

Firstly, I realize I skipped the 6 month post. I wrote it, I just kept forgetting to put the pictures on my computer to put in the post and now Z is almost 7 months so nevermind, I'll do a joint post.

Right now Z is having a very busy time. He just had his first cold and has remnant coughs. He appears to have more teeth trying to come through but they just. won't. cut. He's stares at things so seriously like he is trying to learn ALL THE THINGS. He's started sleeping on his side which makes him seem too grown up to me.

But, the thing that is most intriguing are his feelings about crawling. He mastered rolling from front to back and back to front long, long ago and ever since has been very content being on his belly. In fact, for a while he started doing multiple rolls and I thought he would continue that form of locomotion. No, pumpkin, no. About a week or two ago he suddenly decided tummy time was not for him. You would put the child down on his stomach and he would promptly roll over. I started to believe he was just never going to try to crawl. Then, two nights ago, he suddenly decides to roll himself onto his tummy in his crib and squirm around in there. So now we are at a mysterious place where he wants to get on his tummy but once he's there he realizes he can go no where and is filled with baby rage, which coincides nicely with his brand new sound- ear-splitting shriek! Yay!

Poor little guy. It's hard to learn all the things.

Getting my body back?

6 months after the birth of Z-bug, I am trying to get back into a regular work out routine that includes more than just walking or doing baby bicep curls. I'm using "Get Your Body Back" by Tracey Mallet and I just want to know one thing:

Why does getting my body back mean so many squats?! GAH! I say, "GAH!" Tracey Mallet!

Anyhow, since I worked out pretty regularly pre-Z it feels good to be getting back on the horse, be it ever so slowly. I don't really have any grandiose notions about falling back into pre-baby shape, nor do I really care all that much that Kim Kardashian and some other celebrity whose name I can't remember is already prancing around in bikinis after giving birth after me. All that obsessive "body after baby" crap makes me want to vomit. Seriously. Never EVER click on those God-forsaken links, even out of morbid curiosity because if people keep clicking those stupid stories will keep getting published.

Anyhow. (Steps off of soap box)

I'm proud of my body, post and pre-baby. Sure, there are some mornings when I think, "Egads! My stomach! (thighs. butt. ear lobes. whatever. We all have those days. Okay, not my ear lobes. I have gorgeous lobes.) BUT! Birthing Z was pretty amazing and made me think, "Holy crap! I am SUPERWOMAN!" I've been proud of how I've tried to get out and walk, take the stairs, dance with my baby, and other little things that I could manage in the last 6 months. I've not regretted for a second that I didn't try to "get my body back" any sooner. I was busy snuggling my little man! Now that he's older and thinks that Mama working out is HI-larious, we're ready Let's get our burn on!

I get tired of feeling body pressure. Don't you? Let's not. Let's just be healthy for ourselves (and babies if you've got 'em) and carry on.

Rough times

It's been a rough week for our little baby Blum. Z cut his second bottom tooth, got FIVE shots and it looks like his two top teeth are thinking of joining the party right now as well. The poor little guy has been sleeping and eating erratically, clearly is uncomfortable and exhausted. I feel so bad for him. Last night when he woke up hungry he was so tired he would pass out before he could even get full. Today he crashed at 4:30, woke for a bottle at 5:30, was out for another two hours, up for about 45 minutes and then in bed. I'm hoping this marathon sleeping will signify a turn for the better for our tired boy.

I also feel so bad for our babysitter who has had a real crabby little guy on her hands. She's so patient and kind with him though, it gives me a lot of ease during the day. I'll definitely be taking post-shots day off of work for his 9 month appointment!

Even with the crabbiness and feeling bad for the little man, he still has delightfully sunny moments of laughing and trying new tricks. He's completely fascinated with sippy cups right now. He can't really figure it out but he's delighted by the handles and bright colors. And its really warmed my heart that even though he's been really fussy the last two days for his babysitter, my little guy has lit right up when he sees me come in. Yesterday he had just fallen asleep when I got there and started crying with his eyes closed when going into his car seat. Then, when he opened his eyes and saw it was mama he stopped crying and got a huge smile on his face. Then remembered he was tired and started crying again, but it was pretty wonderful to see my little guy clearly know me and be comforted just by my presence. Boy do I love that little bundle.

Get yo' nosh on

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tooth. After two nights of waking every 2-3 hours our little tyke's first tooth broke through and offered a glimmer of hope to the whole Blum family that perhaps sleep would once more return to our home. I'm pretty sure we're still waiting for bottom middle tooth number 2 to break through the surface, but for now the boy seems to have gotten some relief and is resting quietly.

Of course, in the midst of this tooth breaking the surface, little scooter attended his 5th and last wedding of the year last night and was partying in his car seat for most of the ride home even though it was WELL past his bedtime. It's okay, we'll let it slide, because he looked FREAKING ADORABLE and charmed the pants off of people everywhere. It was a real pantsless occasion (for the ladies. HAHAHA. I'm hilarious! And very sleep deprived!) But seriously, Z was a GEM. The child did not cry even a tidge until right before we were leaving when his boundaries were broken and he let loose for about 5 minutes. Poor guy. He was a real trooper and we're very proud and thankful that he's such an amenable little guy. It doesn't hurt that he's got glorious chubby cheeks.

Anyhow, to return from the tangent, he was a little out of sorts today and very tired. He ate dinner with the most serious look on his face because he was so wiped out. Kid actually smiled when I put him in his crib like, "Thank you for the sweet relief of this dark, quiet place Mama."

Being a mom makes ya soft

Soft, I tell ya! SOFT! I would think that by now the pregnancy hormones are long gone so I can't use those as an excuse anymore.

It's funny I suppose. When I was a kid, my mom used to read aloud to me well past the age when I could have read myself. I just liked it when she would read to me. I remember one summer in particular she read all of the Patricia St. John books to me and I used to always think, "Oh Mom," in that, "silly Mom!" type way when she would cry at parts in the books that I just had no idea why it was tear worthy. One instance I remember especially- a mother in, I think it was set in the Middle East or North Africa, had to send away her son with his blind baby sister to try to save her and give her a better life. At the time I was like, Adventure! and my mom was weeping. When I asked her why she said because that mother would never see her children again and that was so sad. I just didn't get it at the time. Now I would be sobbing a river of tears. How do I know this? Because I've been reading Little Women to Z and there was a part were Marmee was telling Jo how she could always come to Mother with any of her woes, be they big or small and I could barely keep going. Luckily, Z is too small to judge me at this point.

5 months old!!!

I can't believe how this child is growing. LOOK! JUST LOOK!

The little man is just growing all the time and I don't even know that to do with myself. So, the round up-

The good: LAUGHING. Laughing like crazy. Holding onto us when we carry him, big smiles when he sees us, new tricks like rolling, squirming, sitting up with some help and being able to hold things much more steadily.

The bad: 

My first time being dreadfully sick as a mom and boy did it suck. Stomach bugs are terrible enough but add in a baby who doesn't understand why mama is messing up their bed time routine by suddenly putting them down and running for the toilet is just no good. That was the night Z stopped sleeping through the night and I can't help but feel like somehow it was because of me being sick. Thank God Joe was able to leave the bachelor party he was at and come home to take care of us and thank God again that Z didn't get sick like I did.                                                                                         We've also been fighting a mysterious rash for the past couple weeks. The pediatrician said he thinks it is a contact rash and I think it's because Z is so active right now and it seems like his prefolds have gotten a little crunchy or are just not soft enough not to rub and give him a rash. He's in disposables mostly until I figure out this mystery because every time he goes back in the cloth the rash flares up again. Wish me well in my quest.

The AWESOME: 

We found a babysitter and while it was sad to say goodbye to our interim sitter who doted upon Z, it feels good to know that we're no longer trespassing on anyone's good will and to feel comfortable when dropping of Z, knowing he will have a great day with our sitter and her kids. He comes home from her house happy, well rested and ready for afternoon play time with mama and papa. Big load off of my mind and a big blessing. 

Nom nom nom

Z is a solid food munching fiend. By solid food I mean rice cereal and mashed bananas, pureed peas and applesauce, but still, it's a whole new world for him. And he's diving in like a CHAMP! Behold:

It's so fun!

Here Mama, let me help you with that.

Rice cereal with applesauce is the STUFF!

The child is very enthusiastic about sitting in his chair and getting to try different things. He's been a big fan of the bananas and applesauce but he seems iffy about the peas. When he first tried the applesauce he looked like he'd just sucked a lemon but he still dove in. With the peas he made a sound like "kack kack kack" and then stared a me like, "Really?" I would say, "MMMMM!" and give another bite and once again, "kack kack kack" I can't really say anything because I'm not a fan of peas either. Today he tasted a cherry tomato off of my little plant and seemed to think he should get to eat the whole thing but I disagreed. It was my tomato!

This Too Shall Pass

Z's been waking once a night to eat for the past several weeks, which was a sad step backwards for us after having enjoyed blissful full nights of sleep for several weeks prior to that (I know, lucky), but we figure it's a phase, he's a growing boy, ain't no thang. He goes to bed really well so I can handle getting up to give a bottle once a night. Not a problem. Then, for the last two nights he's gotten up twice, once to eat, once to... I'm not sure. Last night it was because he had peed through his diaper and was all wet and probably cold. You know what is fun? Being very tired and having your baby scream his head off while you strip off all the pee clothes and saturated diaper. DE-LIGHTFUL. It leads to illogical thoughts like, "He's the only baby who isn't sleeping through the night at his age!" or, even more illogical, "He's the only baby who would scream like this while getting his clothes changed!" or, heck, even better, the thought, "No other babies cry at night!" Sleep deprivation is fun and makes you think that a 5 month old can understand logical reasoning like, "I'm just changing you clothes, shhhhh, it's fine! Shhhhh! Z! Shhh! Why are you crying?! I'm just cleaning you up!"

Of course now, in the light of day with my second cup of coffee steaming gently before me, I realize that Z is not the only baby who isn't sleeping through the night, one wake up is perfectly reasonable for a growing boy, probably everyone would cry if they suddenly were stripped naked in the cold night (I would) and all babies cry because that's all they can do to communicate. So I will continue to sip my coffee, fortify my sleepy brain and think of the big smile my little man gave me when I said, "Good morning" and the warm  baby cuddles in the dark that will soon be gone when he stops needing me in the night. Life is sweet.

Three and Four Months!

Soooooooooooooo.......... we missed the three and four month post but not the pictures. Here they are!

3 Months!
The good: smiles! Lots of smiles! I loved our little 3 month guy. He started to really light up and show preference for us and certain toys and activities.

The bad: ? We had a bout with constipation. That made mama sad for her little guy.

The awesome: getting to see all the grandparents and uncles and aunts during this month! (And great aunts and uncles, great grandma, etc, etc)

Four months!

That one just snuck right up on me. Z handled his shots really well, though he was a bit fussy the day after. The stats - 18 lbs and 27 inches!! Yep, we have got a tall baby on our hands and who needs weights when you're toting around an 18 lb 4 month old?

The good: first laugh! Slept through the night!!And he goes to bed really easily 90% of the time. Naps pretty well, but seems to hate napping in his crib when he's at home. We don't get it at all.

The bad: Sitter stress. I don't even want to go into it.

The awesome: Uncle Luke moved to Syracuse!

Roll Over, Roll Over

Z rolled over last week (technically, the week before last) and it was hilarious. He looked shocked and I screamed (in excitement) at him, "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!?" which probably frightened him even more. He did it again straight away and I was much more calm so then it was time for smiles and giggles since crazy mama wasn't screeching anymore. He would still get stuck a lot, which was hilarious, because he'd be leaning as far as he possibly could and just couldn't make it that last little bit. He knows it's there, a shimmering possibility just waiting for him, but he just can't grasp it with regularity.

In fact, at his point, I think the shine has come off the penny. He's like, "Meh, if I roll over, all I get is on my back." That's just not good enough people. He has no patience for these shenanigans. He needs to MOVE! Now when we place him on his stomach, instead of pushing himself up really high and leaning, he flattens himself down and begins vigorously, if incredibly inefficiently, squirming his way around or attempts to hoist himself up into a crawling position, like that's a pretty reasonable option at this point. No, son, no. It is not. Who am I kidding? He does what he wants. :)

Waking Up With Vomit

There's really nothing quite as horrifying disgusting shocking as reaching down to pick up your dear baby from their crib when they've cried and woken you from slumber and, as you slide your hand under their little back, you feel mystery wetness. Possibly slimy (if it's vomit or a massive spit up) but most certainly some sort of bodily fluid that is now all over both of you. The fevered thoughts that run through your exhausted mind, immediately sending you into a half asleep frenzied are approximately as follows, in no particular order as they basically assault you simultaneously like a screaming crowd in your brain:

"OH NO!" 

"YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!"

"WHAT IS THAT?!"

"IS HE OKAY?! IS HE SUFFERING? FREEZING?!"

"WHY DIDN'T HE CRY SOONER!?"

"YUCK!! SERIOUSLY!! YUUUUUUCCK!!!"

This has happened a few times to us, most recently this morning when Joe came into the bathroom this morning while I was showering to announce:

"His back is all wet!"

"What?"

"His back is all wet! I don't know if it's pee or spit up! I don't think it's pee. He's all wet!!"

"What does it smell like?"

"I can't smell well!!"

Conclusion- he did indeed spit up or vomit (hard to tell with a baby) a copious amount at an undisclosed time of the night and then went ahead and slept in a gnarly puddle for who knows how long. When I peeked out of the shower, there he was, huge smile on his face like, "NBD guys! GOOOOOOOD MORNING! Look how Papa's got me sitting on the sink! SINKS ARE FUN! WEEEE!"

I am not being remotely sarcastic when I say I love those boys, I love my life, and babies are ridiculous. 

Whoops!

The lack of posts is because we've been remarkably busy entertaining family, visiting, etc every weekend and work has been crazy for me. I certainly have zero interest in typing when I could be with Z and after he goes to bed I have to make up for all the things I can't get done on the weekend. BUT! Life is good! Great!

Z has grown and changed so much! I'm just going to do his 3 and 4 month pictures in one post, so you will see how much that little guy has changed. He's always learning and I love to watch it. I really think one of the most rewarding parts of being Z's mama is seeing him go from knowing nothing, to learning EVERYTHING. He's very chatty and his range of sounds has gotten quite varied and impressive. He smiles big smiles at us and is just on the verge of a real laugh, especially when I blow raspberries on his tummy after bath time. He's very interested in everything around him, staring at people and things with rapt attention. He still wants to do more than he really can- loves "walking" with us holding him under his arms, loves sitting up, likes to sit and watch us eat (which is great since we used to have to take turns. Now we rarely do.) He is starting to be able to choose toys to grasp and put in his mouth, which is hilarious to watch because he gets so concentrated.

Right now, one of the most entertaining things for me is his reaction to the toy bar on his bouncy chair. For some reason that I cannot begin to guess, Z is very intense about this owl that hangs there.

He stares at it, sticks his lips out in concentration and then proceeds to have some sort of extreme staring contest with it during which he flails his legs and grunts constantly. Every now and then he'll deliver that owl a satisfying whack. I have no idea what is going on between those two but right now I think the score is like Owl - 2, Z-8. (I consider the owl has won when Z doesn't get a smack in and gives up the intense staring contest)

Wisconsin - come for the wedding, stay for the beer. And family.

We just returned from a week long Blum trip to the great state of Wisconsin to celebrate Z receiving a new aunt, aka, the marriage of Joe's brother Zac to the ever charming, hilarious and delightful Karlee. Z got to spend an entire week meeting all of his great aunts and uncles, regular old uncles, cousins, great grandma, etc etc. Good thing the child can't understand all of the praise lavished upon him or he would be spoiled rotten. Now it's only Joe and I that are spoiled and mildly haughty with pride over our adorable little son. It doesn't hurt that he looks great in a bow tie.

Cute in a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

 Z was a gem on the "harrowing" (Joe Blum) train rides to and from Chicago. Maybe spent a total of 5-10 minutes crying out of oh.... about 30 train hours. He was the best part of the exhausting trips and we couldn't possibly have hoped for him to do any better than he did. He handled all the people, confusion, chaos and excitement of the entire week beautifully, especially considering that he discovered his hands in a whole new way over the last week. He now spends a good portion of time in very focused, serious contemplation of holding his fists to his mouth and sucking them. Every now and then he gets ambitious and attempts to figure out how to release his thumb from his tightly balled fist and get it in his mouth. This usually results in an increase in intensity and grunts as he. just. can't. get. that. thumb. He has succeeded a couple times, which seems to result in confusion and uncertainty about why he wanted this thumb thing in his mouth in the first place. It's just not all he thought it would be. Unfortunately for him, his memory of this event doesn't seem to stick because a few hours later he's at it again. I admire your tenacity my little son.

Capturing the wild thumb

Z's also gotten great at smiling at me and Joe. When we smile at him he will light up and smile back. Pretty heart melting. It makes this whole parenting thing seem more real when I realize that Z knows us and wants us in particular. It's crazy to realize that I'm that person now in someone's life, the one who you want when something bad happens to you or you are sick or sad. I'm not sure if boys are like this as much as girls, but when I last had a bad stomach bug and was sitting weakly on the bathroom floor after hours of vomiting, it was my mommy that I called as soon as it was not an ungodly hour of the morning, even though I knew she was miles away and could do nothing for me. I just needed her to know that I didn't feel good and tell me to try to drink something when my stomach settled and get some rest. Oh sure, I knew those things already but for some reason it made me feel better to have my mom tell me what to do. I hope that someday when Z is grown, he will still want me sometimes to cook for him or send him a package or whatever people do in the future. I want him to be standing around with his friends someday telling goofy stories about me being crazy with the undertone that says, "My mom is nuts, but I love her."

This is what happens when I boop his nose. It's serious.

Bad Parenting

Our friends Tim and Amanda were visiting with their two kids, ages 3 years and 5 months, when Amanda mentioned something I thought was brilliant: confessions of bad parenting. Not like, serious stuff, but those times when you do something you never thought you would do and think, "Wowsers, I hope no one ever finds out about that!" Like oh... I don't know... seeing that pee spot on your son's onesie is only a little bigger than a half dollar, it'll dry. He's fine. Or eschewing all "back is best" because dang it, your kid is sleeping so well on his tummy right now. Or, GASP, putting a loose blanket over your son because you just don't want to wake him up to put the safe wearable blanket on him.

My mom has said the phrase, "Wow, how did you guys ever survive" about 50 times since Z was born as she has heard me spouting out the millions of DO and DO NOT DO rules that are heaped upon new parents. (Not to mention the pressures some of us put on ourselves with our lifestyle desires and choices, Natural fibers! glass bottles! cloth diapers! organic food! GAH! IS THAT ORGANIC!?) My parents call it "information saturation" and they are probably right. We know WAY too much for our own good and it makes us crazy. The worst part of it is that our "wired" lives make it so easy to feel like everyone else is doing things perfectly and we are the only ones experiencing parenting fails or deciding to cheat and break rules or leave their kid in that pee outfit because he hates having his clothes changed. Just ain't so my friends. We all have parenting fails. Now and forever.

One thing I have loved about becoming a mom is the way it has changed the dynamic of my relationship with our parents. My mom and mother in law have started telling me more stories about their experiences as new moms and the things they learned along the way. It's fantastic and it shows me that I'm doing okay. I've always thought of both of them as the epitome of being a mom. My mom was always teaching us and even though she's not a feisty lady, boy, when she raised that finger to us or told us it was time to clean up or whatever, we did it. (Well, I did. Aaron was naughty child) Joe's mom has always amazed me with her ability to juggle all of her responsibilities and still keep smiling and laughing. Somehow she can always figure out how to fit one (or five!) more people at her table when her sons show up with friends. But even these towers of motherhood did ridiculous things. They are full of stories of putting on clothes wrong, breaking "rules" and basically just riding the waves of life and going with the flow. It makes me aspire to be like them even more.

All this to say, yep, I forgot to bring Z's diaper bag to his first appointment. (We packed it so carefully and then forgot the whole dang bag! Of course Z soiled himself and I was so embarassed when I didn't have a new diaper for him. The nurse kindly fetched one for us.) Maybe it was the first time I hung my head and thought, "Ug, mom fail" but I'm sure it won't be the last. And, you know what, that's okay.

Two Months Old!

Oh my, two months old and my how we've grown. For your comparing ease:

CHEEKS!

Z has changed so much in a month! His personality has started to emerge and prove to us that he is his own person. 

Why do you make me suffer so?!

Biggest Challenges: The feeding was still a big challenge this month, as was learning how to make a baby who can't do much happy. Z is a very inquisitive and doesn't like to be bored. Tough for a kid that has zero control over his body. And, of course, returning to work.

I've got the jive

 Biggest Joys - Z's first smiles and adorable sounds. He's a big talker and chats to us all the time. It's made interacting with him so much fun when he's clearly getting pleasure out of our interactions. He LOVES going outside more than anything and will nearly always settle once we go outside. Also, seeing that he knows us, knows that Joe and I are mama and papa, is the best feeling in the world. As is the literal feeling of a soft little baby hand resting gently on your arm after your son has fallen asleep on your shoulder.

 Biggest WOWs! - the continued love from family and friends. Z had so many visitors during his second month! Quite the popular little tyke and his parents basked in the praise and love lavished on our little guy.

Contemplating the mysteries of the universe

Full Disclosure

When I was pregnant, I tried to be very honest about my experience. Highs, lows, peculiarities, etc because I find so often that people put on positive social media faces that make other people looking on think that life is perfect and they must be doing something wrong in their own lives. Joe and I were chuckling the other day about all the comments we get on facebook pictures of Z sleeping that say things like, "what a good sleeper" or "what a good baby" as though Z never cries or decides suddenly that sleeping is for the weak and he'll have none of it. I joked that we should start posting pictures of him crying but then thought, we totally should. That's reality. He's a sweet, sweet little boy but no baby never cries and nothing is perfect.

In light of the lack of perfection, I decided this week to let my breast milk dry up and to share this with my loving readers. All the mom's that have contacted me to say they struggled with breast feeding has been so helpful to me during the past two months, so I want to be open about my own struggle for any new moms or moms-to-be reading this so they will not be afraid of whatever challenges they might face.

Though we've never really had success, I've kept offering breast feeding to Z. He's happy to latch on and suck for a little while, but he's never keen to make it a meal and is soon screaming inconsolably for his bottle. Just last night, in a last ditch attempt, I got Z latched and after about 40 minutes of sucking and dozing, he suddenly startled awake, started crying and then drank an entire meal of formula. It's been weeks of this and round the clock pumping, which is exhausting. Now, going back to work this week, it's become even more unbearable.

I really knew the first week of June that my quest for breastfeeding Z and all the pumping wasn't really worth the amount of misery it was causing for me. It was when I got off the phone with the lactation consultant after calling for help post-tongue clipping, started crying and confessed to Shana that I was completely miserable that it dawned on me it might be time to throw in the towel. I had tried so hard, taking supplements and eating all the foods that are supposed to boost your milk supply, pumping constantly (which was getting painful due to the frequency), and crying through my baby screaming as I tried to get him to breastfeed. And for what? When he was smaller and drinking less, my pumping could provide half of his meals, but these days I'm barely making a dent in the volume he's taking in. So why am I still devoting 2-3 hours a day to pumping for that tiny amount? (20 min can generally yield me 2 oz at best) I have to be honest, mostly because when people ask if I'm breastfeeding and I have to say no, I feel ashamed. I feel like they think I'm a bad mother because I was too lazy or selfish to breastfeed my son. I feel like if I quit altogether and can't at least say, "no, but I'm pumping" then I'll need to defend my position, explain the roadblocks and all my hard work trying to breastfeed my son and why I finally quit to prove that I love Z. Basically, I've been afraid to stop because I'm afraid it will mean people will think I don't want the best for my baby.

I don't have much confidence as a new mom. I think it's almost impossible for any new mom to feel confident because everything is so unfamiliar and scary. I was so prepared to breastfeed that now the idea of formula feeding Z seems like I'm failing my baby and he won't get what is best and that means I'm harming him. But then I ask myself, is it really what's best if he's screaming and his mama is crying and stressed all the time? Isn't it better for both of us for me to just enjoy my healthy, happy, sweet boy? Is any amount of "breast is best" or money spent of formula greater than my baby and I being happy? After weeks of agonizing over this decision, this week I finally settle on no. No. It's not worth my happiness and enjoyment of my son, it's not worth making him miserable and both of us losing sleep as I try to make him nurse. It's just not worth it. I hope, I truly hope, that I'll be able to breast feed my next baby, because I want the experience so badly and like any mother, I want the best for my babies. But, whether or not breast is best, it's not the determining factor of my son's health and happiness, and it's certainly not a measurement of how much I love him.

I know there will still be some sad days ahead and days when I'm afraid I made a bad decision or feel judged, whether or not it's actually happening. On those days I'm just going to cuddle my smiley, wonderful, miraculous little son and thank God that we live in a time when my baby has food available to him that has kept him healthy and strong and that I was able to pump for him for this long and give him some of the benefits of breast milk. Score 1 for modern technology because wet nurses just aren't easy to come by these days.

We're all mad here

Mad as in crazy, not angry.

People kept talking about how I was going to have the craziest pregnancy dreams because I'm such a crazy dreamer normally but that never came to pass. If anything my pregnancy dreams were tamer than my normal dreaming. My new mom dreams however are off the charts. If it's not completely bizarre dreams (ex- a shape-shifting demon took the visage of Joe and tried to steal Zander as I watched on the monitor) then it is a disturbingly realistic waking experience during which I struggle to distinguish dream vs reality. The most common occurrence, which happened again last night, it me thinking my pillow is Zander. I pick it up and get confused as to why Z is so squishy. Then, as Z continues to cry, I realize this is my pillow! Z must be somewhere in the bed! so I start fumbling around, getting really worried now that he was buried under so many blankets! All the while, my son is safely in his crib probably wondering what is taking that mom lady so long with his bottle?!

Well, I'm a mom for reals

I took a rectal temperature. I did it. Z felt so hot that I just had to know he was okay so I bit the bullet, busted out a "probe cover" and did it. Z apparently felt fine about the experience. He cooed at me and promptly pooped. Glad I could help you out with that buddy.

For the record, Z did have a low fever but apparently nothing to worry about and common after getting immunizations. But, I'm glad I wasn't crazy when I thought he felt hot. He seemed very cheery so I didn't really think he was sick but I just had to be certain. First time mom paranoia for the win!

Serious Conversations

Z has started enjoying some serious conversations with us. They usually go something like this:

Me- What are you doing?
Z- Goo! OOOO! Goo... GOO!!
Me- Oh really? How's that going for you?
Z- (squeak) Heeeee! Goo! (SQUAWK)
Me- I heard about that!
Z- OOOOOO!

Yes, my child is clearly a genius in the making. Try not to be jealous. GOOOO!

Calling all working moms

Yesterday, I was fine. I even felt confident. I thought about how much Z will like having other kids to play with and how qualified his babysitter is and felt like he was not only going to be fine but thrive. But today I'm a mess, crying while I feed him, snuggling the crap out of him and wondering how I'll ever be able to leave him with someone else to care for him. What if he thinks Joe and I don't love him? How can anyone take care of him like we do?

It's a hard thing to go back to work. Logically I know Z will be fine but this is something I have no experience with so I'm having a hard time imagining it can be true even though I see examples around me. So I'm calling on all the working moms out there reading my blog- help a sister out. Give some words of encouragement and/or advice. Reassure a first time mom who has to drop off her baby come Monday.

Body fluids for everyone!

My son has broken my trust. It all started last week when he not once, but twice, assured me he was done pooping and then let loose explosive poops during his diaper change, splattering his closet door and everything in its path. Then he told me he thought he needed some more food which he then projectile spit up onto his Grandpa Blum's bag and the floor. You would have thought I would have learned, but no. Last night when I got up with him around 3AM he told me again he thought he needed some more food. Where did that food end up? In my hair. Yep. I'll never trust you again scooter. Never.

I can't even be mad at him because he's so darn cute and was an amazingly good and sweet baby at the wedding reception he attended last Saturday. He dealt beautifully with hours of people he didn't know talking to him, holding him, prodding him and lots of cheering and music. He held it together until the very end of the party when he finally started fussing from sheer exhaustion. We were very proud of our little man, not to mention he looked ADORABLE.

At a loss for words...

Oh wait. Not that kind of tongue tied.

Last week when Z was crying, and thereby giving me a good look into his mouth, I noticed something that I think I had seen in passing but not really thought about, just assuming it was a normal baby thing. When Z cried his mouth looked like this:

This is not my child- photo from here

Turns out, he has ankyloglossia aka tongue-tie, which means his tongue is tethered down to the bottom of his mouth. The problem with that is it can make it basically impossible to breastfeed. I have to admit, I'm pretty frustrated that none of the lactation consultants I saw the first week of Z's life noticed this problem because it's very possible that it could have been corrected and we could have been breastfeeding this entire time and never needed to supplement with formula, but, what's done is done. Today we were able to take Z to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor who clipped the bit tethering down his tongue. It took about 45 seconds and he was happily sucking on his bottle immediately after with no apparent discomfort or angst. I am hoping this will mean an improvement in Z's eating and that we might be able to get a handle on breastfeeding. It's going to be a lot of work and, unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to work with him before I have to go back to work but we'll do the best we can.

In other news, we've been able to coax a couple smiles out of our adorable boy and he is growing like a little weed. We have left newborn clothes behind us! He's engaging more and more with us, which I love, though it comes with a little added fussiness as he sleeps less during the day but still prefers being held to anything else. I think if I could wear him 24/7 he would be very content. Needy little monkey :) 

So everyone cross your fingers for Z and his newly free tongue, that they might have a long and happy life together full of ice cream cone licking and French kissing (when he's 30).

Bath Time or Torture. One or the other.

Z is meeting his grandparents Blum tomorrow so I thought we should bathe him. The past two days have been hot and humid, yet Z still wanted to be worn in the Moby wrap which left both of us sweaty and gross. Not to mention homeboy spit up during tummy time and rubbed his head in it before I realized what had happened. Yucks.

Z was dead asleep around the time we wanted to bathe him so I had a brilliant idea! Sure, it was time to eat but he was so sleepy, let's bathe him and then give him his bottle. Then he might get cranky during his bath but the bottle would soothe him. Great idea right? 

No. Maybe in theory, but not in the mind of our baby who seemed to believe that not only was this bath thing possibly going to kill him, but if it didn't he was definitely going to starve to death. The child screamed as I have never heard him scream before. Shrieks. Ear shattering shrieks. I anticipate the police will be showing up any time now to investigate the neighbor's reports of child abuse. Poor scooter. We snuggled him big time to make up for his trauma.

Baby's First Road Trip

Last weekend we took little scooter on his first big road trip. We packed up our little bundle and headed to Boston for our dear friend Tim's wedding. Parenting realizations include, but are not limited to:

1. Realizing that a baby needs approximately the same amount of stuff as both Joe and I put together for a one night trip, possibly more. 
2. The sorrow of a 4 week old when they don't understand why you are not picking them up out of their car seat when they cry.
3. The conflicting desires of hoping the baby will sleep in the car so they won't cry but hoping the baby won't sleep the whole time so you have a chance of sleep that night.

Sleep the sleep of 1000 martyrs

All in all, Z did really well. He didn't cry a lot overall, didn't make a peep during the ceremony and slept really well in the motel room. He also took the opportunity to put us, especially myself, through "Bodily Fluid Boot Camp" on Sunday, first during the Poop Apocalypse of 2013 in which Z explosively pooped not once, but twice during a diaper change, splattering poo everywhere (casualties included the changing pad, the bed spread, the floor and my jeans, arms, hands), and second, Z taught me to be more cautious about how I drape him over my shoulder when I burp him by spitting up down the back of my dress at the wedding. Huzzah! I feel like a real mom now :)

The moral of the story is I will never stand in the line of fire during a diaper change again. I no longer trust my baby. Oh sure, he may have just pooed three times in a row so you might think you are safe. OH NO! He is just lulling you into a false sense of security. Stand well back.

One Month!

My baby is one month old today! Hard to believe that it was a month ago that our lives completely changed. We're tired but I don't think either of us could imagine life without our little boy now that he's here. You're worth the sleepless nights buddy!

Biggest challenges - The feeding, oh, the feeding. Z-boy still doesn't nurse, not because he can't latch but because when he does, he just doesn't get enough. It's been the biggest challenge for me with all kinds of conflicting emotions - feeling like I failed him, feeling like he failed me, feeling like a bad mother. On the other hand, being grateful that I've been able to pump breastmilk for him and that I live in a time when that and formula are available for my baby. The silver lining I guess is that Z taking bottles means that he can be completely cared for by Joe just as well as by me. The downside is how much I need to pump right now to keep up with him even a little. I feel like I'm permanently attached to this pump and I'm starting to hate it.

Biggest joys - Z being so healthy and sweet. No excessive crying or medical woes and I know we are so blessed by that. Hearing him start to make adorable happy "goo" sounds and seeing him open his eyes and really see me for the first time. His tiny fingers and toes. Cuddling with him and seeing he and Joe snuggling on the couch. Seeing my husband be as amazing a father as I always thought he would be. Hearing Joe singing to him and Z's obvious love for his papa.

Biggest wow - you guys. Our friends and family who poured love and gifts on us and Z. It's completely overwhelming and filled those first two weeks of sleep deprivation, doctor's visits and stress with constant sunny spots as packages arrived for our little boy. It was very touching. Thank you!

Here are some pictures from his 1 month photo shoot. Joe took better ones, obviously, but I snapped a few while Joe was taking his.

Eyes that hold all the wisdom of the world

Do I know you?

Still bemused

You are soft. Hello Hansel bear.

Family Outings 1 and 2

We made a goal for ourselves before Z was born that we were going to make sure we got out of the house and did things so we wouldn't feel stir-crazy or depressed at the utter loss of our former lives. So far, we are doing well, though right now Z mostly sleeps so it's not that difficult to just take him somewhere while he sleeps in his carseat, none the wiser that he is not at home. But, still, we're establishing (we hope) a precedence.

Family Outing 1!

April 27 - To celebrate 1 week of our son we went and got self-serve frozen yogurt and took a stroller ride around Onondaga Lake. We got really ambitious on this trip, feeding and changing Z al fresca (via the parked car) and then proceeding to Babies R Us.

Family Outing 2!

May 4 - Z attended the annual Creek Float and promptly slept through the whole thing. Afterwards we got gelato, Z entertained two visitors and then rallied in the midst of a growth spurt eating binge to go to his papa's improv show that night. I would like to dedicate the improv show rallying to the infant swing and Z's new friend, Hansel bear, who seemingly has magical powers. Unfortunately, those magical powers did nothing to quell the ravenous beast we brought home who basically ate non-stop until around 3 AM when he gave us the reprieve of 3.5 hours of sleep before rousing again. Thank you, small baby.

What further adventures await us?! Oh, many things. Many things.

You Gotta Roll With It

So our little Z-boy has had eating issues from day 1. He came out with too rapid breathing and a lot of gunk in his tummy and lungs that had to be siphoned out. Ultimately he had to spend a few hours in the NICU and we missed that magical immediately post-birth breastfeeding time you hear so much about during your pregnancy. When he finally came downstairs with us, he didn't want to nurse at all. No one was worried until all nursing efforts for the first 24+ hours failed and then the lactation consultant advised us to give him formula.

This is where I've been learning to roll with things. I'd wanted to exclusively breastfeed but my baby wasn't eating. I had a lactation consultant or nurse in my hospital room at every feeding trying to get Z to latch and it just wasn't happening. My baby was crying and screaming every time he came to the breast and it was terrible. So, I pumped, Joe fed him formula and we tried to hang in there.

When my milk came in Z finally latched with shields and I thought we had turned the corner. Alas, no. Z sucks at sucking. (PUN INTENDED! HA!) His weight kept dropping in spite of trying to breastfeed every two hours, which meant we were having to take him to the pediatrician every two days to get checked. Finally, on Thursday, it came to the point where Z had lost nearly a pound and we were advised to give him formula again - 2 oz every 2 hours. Again, my breastfeeding dreams crashed around me and it was back to the pump wit' ye! I felt disappointed but the important thing was making sure our baby is healthy, so formula it was.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNND

SUCCESS!

After 2 days of formula feeding with a bit of bonus nursing, Z's weight shot up.

He is the champion! Woot!

So now we have been giving the doctor's blessing to see whatever works for us. Bottles? Breastmilk? Formula? Probably all of the above until we're sure Z is getting enough to eat and still gaining. Chubby cheeks win!

The Trickster Arrives - The Highlights!

Baby boy arrived on a snowy April day with zero signs of pre-labor. 8 lbs 12 oz, 21 1/2 inches and cute as a button! We love him! Looks just like his papa! Welcome little Z!

The Trickster Arrives - the detailed. quasi-graphic version

Friday, April 19th - As had been the way of things, there was no sign of an impending baby and Joe and I were settling in for the long haul aka possible overdue baby. We talked about if we wanted to go out to see a movie that night but decided to stay in since we were going to One Take Super 8 the next night to see the debut of the belly on the big screen. We told LB, no being born on April 20th, that's not an optimal day.

Saturday, April 20th - I awoke on the couch, which I'd been sleeping on more and more as my discomfort at night grew and got up to go to the bathroom for the millionth time that night, only this time I felt a gush of liquid and thought- "Seriously?" Yes. Seriously. LB had decided to defy us and be born on April 20th. At about 4 AM the Hollywood version of water breakage occurred and things got real. I started noticing repetitive back pains that came and went in intensity and that's when we knew things were underway. I labored at home for less than an hour before the contractions were coming so close together I felt like it was time to get to the hospital.

We waited in triage for about 45 minutes for a doctor to come check on us. Apparently we showed up right as several babies were being delivered so they had a hard time finding someone to check me. Since I'd only just started contractions, no one was really in much of a hurry to check me out but by the time they did I had rejected the bed and monitors and, when finally checked, fully dilated and ready to go.

Since I dilated so quickly, the doctor and nurse both thought our little baby was gonna pop right out but, our trickster fooled everyone by keeping his hands firmly by the side of his head the whole time and thereby impeding his exit. Two hours of pushing later, our baby was born and we found out the mystery we'd all been waiting for - it's a boy!

I've been advised by my sibling not to share our baby's name on this public blog, so on here we will just call him Z. He was 21 1/2 inches long, 8 lbs 12 oz and beautiful with his full head of hair. The moment I saw him I knew he was the little Joe baby I thought he was; he looked just like his papa's birth announcement picture. Unfortunately, Z had some trouble "transitioning" and after being monitored in my delivery room for awhile and having his stomach and lungs repeatedly suctioned out, he had to spend a couple hours up in the NICU. We're not sure but think that this contributed to his difficulties eating, which made for a tricky first week of life with lots of pumping, bottles, lactation specialists, formula, and finally some improvement. Not the ideal, but, our baby boy is healthy, perfect and adored. Thank you to everyone who has poured love over him and us these first weeks! It has meant so much to us.

People have asked, so I will share, but I want it to be clear that I do not advocate any delivery over another. Women should do what they feel is right for them and their body and should always be open to whatever changes may need to happen to deliver your baby safely. I ended up doing a drug free birth, partially by choice, partially because by the time I thought about asking them to add some painkillers to that *#^$ing IV drip I was so far removed into myself that I couldn't get coherent enough to discuss it. I did go in to my labor with the goal of going drug free for a variety of reasons that I'd be happy to discuss elsewhere as, like I said, I don't want to make any other mom's feel I'm judging or denouncing their labors.

Happy News

I am thrilled, thrilled to have some happy news that I have been given permission to share. After several years of waiting, my beloved friends Lauren and Steve have finally received official word that they are now parents to an adorable little boy from Taiwan and will be flying to bring him home at the end of this month.

I can't tell you how excited and happy I am to be becoming a mom at the same time as Lauren. She and Steve are the kind of people that you meet and think they should be parents. They just should. They have so much love to give and the most kind, gentle and generous hearts. They were made for this experience and I am overjoyed that it has come to fruition at last. A little munchkin for my little munchkins!

So I hit 39 weeks today and right now all is quiet on the Western front. I guess our little baby heard my pleas and has patiently snuggled up and allowed me to pack the freezer with meals, wash everything that could possibly need to be washed, rest up and enjoy my 30th birthday. Such a considerate baby. I think I've crossed the line now, pretty much today, where I feel ready to get this show on the road, even though I'm still nervous of course.

After talking to my doctor yesterday we've agreed on no discussion of medical intervention (unless baby gets stressed or something) until I've reached 41 weeks at which point we'll start discussing induction. Next week we've got an ultrasound and non-stress test to check on LB's growth/health and the health of his/her environment. All signs point to only good things. I'm feeling good other than being ponderous and achy but I've got very, very minimal swelling, great blood pressure and all my labs came back perfect from my 37 week appointment. Even though I'm getting tired of finding it hard to rest comfortably, my fitness level being reduced to daily (very easy) yoga and walks, and an annoyingly random sore spot on my back, I'm in good spirits and prepared to wait for LB to be ready. I am staying patient and positive while taking advantage of these last days as "Joe and Sara." But, we're definitely getting more excited/anxious to meet our baby and find out who has been living in there the past nine months.

Sorry, a bit somber

Maybe Eliot was right and April is the cruelest month. It certainly seems like a lot of terrible, tragic things happen in this month. Joe and I were talking about which days we don't want the baby to be born because of associations of those dates with tragedy and I felt like we were blacking out half of the month. And today, more tragedy. I wrote this letter to our baby a month or so ago when a terrible crime was committed locally and I felt a sense of sorrow to be bringing a new little life into such a messed up place. I wasn't planning to share it but it seems appropriate to share it today and in light of other tragedies that are sure to come in this baby's life. You can't escape the terrible. You can only try to lessen the darkness.

Dear Baby,

There has been a lot of sadness in the news. A lot of terrible things happen and it’s hard not to look at this world we’re bringing you into and feel a sense of sadness and a desire to give up.

But, that’s why we’re having you. Because there will always be sadness and tragedy in the world, but we can’t give up. We have to work and fight to see the beauty and wonder in the world. We have to share that. We have to bring heaven to earth and shine light all around us. That’s what your dad and I try to do every day and that’s what we want for you and our family: to love each other and share that love with everyone. You are a glorious, wonderful miracle and we know that you will bring something special and amazing to this world.

You are special. You are a unique and beautiful soul, and we love you. Never let the pain and horrors of the evil in this world keep you from fighting, loving and sharing. It’s okay to be sad and discouraged, but never give up. In the darkest time, there’s always something to be thankful for, something to love and live for. Find that thing and hold on. We love you and we will love you every second of your life.

Your parents