7 months (and change)!

Our little Bear is 7 months old! Oh my goodness!

~18 lbs!

The GOOD

Bear is a sweet little guy. Rarely fussy, will ride well in the car now if he can look out the window, very active and full of giggles. He likes to blow raspberries and grab faces. He has zero stranger danger and loves it when people talk to him. He's got a lot of hair now that's got some blonde and red tints and decidedly brown eyes. He is getting very good at sitting and can drag himself around the floor though his preferred method of movement is to roll where he wants to go. He's very curious and will grab anything within reach and immediately put it in his mouth so we've had to be careful about what Z plays with. Also about dirty wipes during diaper changes (ewwwww).

The BAD

Bear has had his first big illness this month and is still battling it. It started with a croupy cough that morphed into a loose, phelgmy cough, then a stuffy nose, and capped it off with an ear infection! Yowsers! The crazy thing is he was still so jolly that I didn't even know! He'd been a bit fussy and sleeping poorly but I wrote it off to teething. I took him in to get a flu shot before we travel and asked if they would just check out his cough first and the doctor exclaimed, "Whoa! That ear is really infected!"

His sickness, coupled with him being a very distracted eater these days, has made breastfeeding challenging. He's latching poorly and I have to wear a cover or take him to a quiet, dark room sometimes to get him to eat well. This has contributed to blocked ducts for me a couple times. Ouch!

He also has four top teeth cutting at the same time. Yeesh. Poor guy.

Something else that he thinks is bad (I'm okay with it) is that he can't stand and crawl. He wants to so badly and will get pretty frustrated when it's not working out. He loves to stand and hold onto the couch, but he has very poor balance at this point so someone has to be right there at all times.

The AWESOME

Bear is such a real boy now. He chatters all the time and is very interactive and fun. His vocabulary is mostly restricted to "bla bla bla" and "mamama" but it's so darn cute. He lights up when he sees Joe, Z or me, which is adorable. He's starting to finally get into solids, which is encouraging since I was starting to think he would want to exclusively breastfeed forever. He is still working on really being able to effectively chew without gagging, but he wants it so badly, he's lunging at food like a starving hyena.

I don't feel like I'm just surviving as a mom anymore, I'm being able to really enjoy my kids.

I can't believe that Bear's babyhood is already halfway over! I'm going to have two toddlers running around so soon, it's ridiculous! 

November, farewell.

We have been so busy that this last month has really flown by. I wrote a separate update about myself, so I won't go into that anymore, but here are the other changes in our lives this last month!

Joe and I made the wise decision to stay home for Thanksgiving. Traveling with littles is just not fun and since we are traveling for Christmas we decided to hunker down at home. I had a great time making dinner even though I botched the mashed potatoes!

Joe also got to go to his first Packer's game with his Aunt Mary! (Thank you!) It was fun to have her for a brief visit and the boys definitely enjoyed seeing her. Also, the Packer's pulled out a win for that game, which was awesome considering the game before and the game after were crushing defeats. I was very happy that Joe got to have a positive experience! Being football fans is very stressful sometimes.

I was approached by a vivacious and lovely lady, Karyn, in my mom's group to join the board of the non-profit, Better Bites, that she directs and decided to accept. The mission is to bring nutritious food to the low income families of the St. Croix Valley (where we live) through a variety of programs that you will likely see me sharing about on my Facebook page. I'm excited about the opportunity and flattered that Karyn and Joe were both so confident in my ability to serve on a board of any kind. If you'd like to learn more about Better Bites, click here!

Z is making so much progress with his language! Sometimes I feel discouraged because I compare him to other kids but then his speech therapist reminds me of where we started and I see how much growth he's had. I'm really proud of him. He is pretty shy to use language to new people or in a new environment, but he's getting pretty brave when he's home with me. He's regularly using two word sentences now and constantly repeating after us. It's really great to see all the thoughts in his mind starting to come out.

He's also getting really good at listening and obeying, better at calming down when he is upset, and LOVES his brother. The two of them will just giggle up a storm and it makes me so excited for the future when Bear is actually big enough to really play with Z. They really seem to get a kick out of each other right now, it's pretty freaking adorable. Z also loves the snow! He was twirling around in our parking lot yesterday while I was putting Bear in the car with his arms out calling, "SNOW FALLING! SNOW FALLS! SNOW FALLING!!" It was hilarious.

Bear's 7 month post is coming soon, so I'll leave any updates for him to that.

Take Two

You may remember when I said that I wasn't going to be working in the fall. I was nervous about staying home full time with two kids and upset about losing my job. Then the call came from my department head and miraculously I ended up with two classes, daycare worked out, it was great!

Then the fall came.

I've been struggling. I have had twice the number of students and am teaching a new class, which is always harder. Also, I have almost no time to work while I'm on campus. In previous semesters I taught class in the morning and then stayed on campus and worked until I picked Z up at 3. This semester I leave directly after class and pick up the boys. Not really having any time to do my work at work has meant that all of my grading and prep time has to happen at home. That is really tough because there are about 1 million other things that also have to happen during those precious hours my kids are sleeping and trying to grade while they are awake is basically impossible. If I'm lucky, maybe they nap at the same time for 1-2 hours. If all goes well, they are in bed by 7:30/8, which gives me another 2 hours. Except that I also need to clean, make dinner, do laundry, have a relationship with my spouse, rest my brain, eat, shower, use the bathroom, talk to friends and family, return emails, etc. I've been managing, but just barely. I seriously think working full time was easier than this last semester has been. 

Therefore, when my department head sorrowfully told me that he didn't have any classes for me in the spring, but would have classes available in the fall I felt... relieved. RELIEVED. This has been so hard and even though I am still going to fulfill my compulsion to do something with a few other projects, I am grateful that I can have this moment to breathe and focus on my kids. I'm glad I'll be able to savor the last bit of Bear's babyhood and I think the consistency of being home with me is going to be helpful for Z as we continue with speech therapy. 

Now, this is not to say that I think staying home full time is going to be a picnic. I know enough from the last summer that spending my whole day with two littles is not always an easy task. However, I am going to be thankful for this season of life. It's going to be brief and I think that knowledge gives me a different perspective than if it was more ambiguous. At this point in time, I fully intend to return to UWRF in the fall semester, so that means I know there's an end date for spending my whole day surrounded by littles. Also, I know more people in my mom's group now, so I don't feel as anxious about not getting adult interaction. I'll just start randomly inviting myself over for playdates at my friend Katie's house (that's cool, right Katie?).

It's also not to say that I haven't enjoyed my classes. I have! I've really enjoyed teaching English 100, just with an infant and a toddler at home, it's been really challenging to keep up.

Disclaimer: Things can always change, but this is the plan for now.

So, how's breastfeeding?

Six months in. Again, this is purely personal feelings. If there is anything I have learned about baby feeding, it is that there are lots of nuances that go into what works and what doesn't work. On that note.

How's breastfeeding going? In the sense that Bear is well fed, gaining weight, and I don't want to cry every time he needs to eat, good.

How do I feel about it? Not great. I mean, I don't hate it like I did. I feel rather non-commital and/or a little lost. Like, I have no idea how to night wean because I can't use the strategy we used with Z. I am not sure how to go about weaning onto regular milk when that time comes. Bear still eats every 2-3 hours, which is more than I was anticipating at this age. Since he still eats so often, I still feel pretty tethered to him which makes it hard for me to do things like leave to go grade. By the time I get somewhere, get situated and start working I don't have much time before I need to come home and feed him, which has made it really hard for me to keep up with my classes this semester.

This is where the nuance comes in. Things would be different if:

- I could pump more than 2-3 oz at a time (that takes me about 30 minutes). That's pretty much always the best I can do in spite of trying every tip and trick to increase my production. I've pumped 5 oz once and 6 oz once. I have no idea what I did differently, but I've not been able to replicate it. As a result, after the great breastmilk purge when I found out I had high lipase, I rarely have more than one bottle's worth of milk saved for a rainy day, which is stressful. It basically always takes two times of pumping for at least 30 minutes to get enough to replace one feeding which means I don't often pass Bear's feedings off for a bottle because that makes more work for me than just nursing him. I've honestly wondered if my breasts just can't really hold as much milk as other people. At night when Bear nurses before bed he will keep at it until he's stimulated 2-3 letdowns before he will finally settle down.

- Bear would take any formula. We're working on it to try to alleviate my stress over pumping but he's not been very amenable to the idea. So far I've managed to get him to slowly and begrudgingly drink about 6 ounces of formula at two different times.

-Our family dynamic was different. I'm realizing that breastfeeding isn't fitting into our lives very well. If (and I mean IF) we have another baby, I am really going to approach things very differently. I need to be able to do things. Having to sit and nurse Bear when Z needs a nap, or dinner needs to be made, or etc. etc. etc. makes me completely crazy. It's just not the same when you bottle feed. I loved giving Z bottles, but being able to have Joe, or anyone else, feed him too was really, really nice. Plus, Joe loved it. He used to always take the early morning feeding and just snuggle up with Z on the couch. I know Joe has missed being involved with that part of Bear's babyhood and I don't really feel like I can discount that.

Again, if I could pump enough to supply bottles, then I would probably go with that option, but my body just doesn't seem work that way. When I couldn't pump much with Z I thought it was because he never brought in my milk supply, but I know Bear has because he is healthy and thriving on breast milk. I just can't seem to work with a pump. And, seriously, I have tried everything. Different pumps, hand expression, supplements, diet changes, heating compresses, etc, etc, etc.

So, where does that leave us?

It really depends on Bear. I am not going to just stop nursing him and force him onto formula because I don't want to do that to him. So, we're just going to keep offering formula here and there to see if he will start taking it. Ideally I would like to figure out some sort of combo feeding situation, but we'll see what happens. In the meantime I'll just keep pressing on, one day at a time.

I still really like that it's free... minus all the mother's milk tea, pumping supplies, etc ;)

SIX MONTHS!?

My little Bear is six months old! Yikes!

There were so many things that I was putting off until Bear was 6 months that this has really crept up on me. Examples are: working on transitioning Bear out of our room, changing up our bedtime routine, establishing solids, my bimonthly "how's breastfeeding going?" check in. The time is now upon us, so next month I guess we'll see how these things are going.

Stats!
Weight:16 lbs, 14 oz
Height: 28.75 inches! Holy smokes! We grow them tall.

The GOOD!

Bear's personality is really emerging and it's so fun for me to get to know him more and more. He loves to roll around on the floor, loves his jumper, loves to be around people, LOVES Z with all his heart, loves munching on mum-mums and eating banana-avocado smush. He likes to squeal and giggle when he's happy and isn't very fussy at all. He looks like he might be more blonde then Z and like he's going to have brown eyes like his mama. He's more into trying to eat books than have them read to him, likes to steal Z's "string pillow" at every opportunity and is very motivated to be on the move. He will squirm and roll his way to toys or objects he wants to look at with great gusto. He's not very interested in trying to sit up but he is still learning to do it and is doing pretty well. He likes to go in the swings at the park and be spun around in circles.
Bear has also started grabbing my face with his hands and giving me zombie baby kisses. I love it.


The BAD

Bear cut his first teeth this month and that was sad for us sleep wise. His sleep the nights before his teeth cut were awful. Like, to the point that I was thinking wild thoughts like, Oh my gosh, I will never sleep again! Ever! I just know it! I think he's working on another one now. Lord, help me. Thus, we enter the teething days again. I didn't miss them.

Bear also seems to have had a giant growth spurt in the last week or two, which would explain his intense need to eat ALL THE THINGS. He got much longer but is still not a super chubby baby, though he can hold his own.

He still does not approve of his car seat 50% of the time.






The AWESOME!

I can't really explain how much joy I get when the boys interact. Z is still 50/50 on whether or not he likes Bear but Bear is 100% enamored. All Z has to do is smile at Bear and Bear bursts into hysterical baby giggles. They have had some pretty wonderful moments together this last month.

Pre-bed gazing and giggling

I'll round this off saying that while parenting can be really exhausting and hard, I feel so lucky that I get to spend so much time with these two little souls. They are so special and wonderful.

Fascinated by the dancing Halloween bag from Grandma B

We're both learning

I was really humbled by my 2 year old today.

We went to preschool open gym this morning, as we do every Tuesday morning. The first half, Z was playing happily by himself so well that I got out a blanket for Bear to lay on and get out some wiggles instead of doing my usual and wearing him in the carrier. All was well...

until Z suddenly started getting upset. He started coming over to me and kicking, hitting or headbutting me and I could not figure out why for the life of me. I felt like he had something in his head because he was making eye contact with me and not smiling or getting angry. It was odd. I thought maybe he was getting hungry and it was just about snack time so I figured he would settle down then. Meanwhile Bear was getting fussy so I thought we could sit down for the snack and story time and Bear could nurse while Z ate. This... did not go well. Bear was nursing, Z started redoubling his assault. I felt even more confused because this is a kid that does not say no to snack. He wouldn't sit down, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't calm down. He wasn't screaming or crying, he was just attacking me. I couldn't really nurse Bear well, Bear then spit up all over me, and that was it. I put Bear in the carrier, Z in the stroller and left early.

I was frustrated and angry that he was acting out and I'd had to leave during the quiet snack and story time when our early departure would be noted by all. I could feel the stares and imagine the conversations some of the ladies would have: "She's been having a rough time with him lately... She's really got her hands full... She should try [     ]... If it were my son..."

I should have seen the signs, but I was too busy being worried about what the other parents were thinking about me.

Z had yawned before we even left. He'd resisted running around with me. When I whispered, "If you don't cut it out, we're going home," he redoubled his efforts instead of crying or stopping. He didn't want to eat. He tried to lay his head on my lap when I was nursing Bear. He didn't cry when I pulled him over to the stroller. He didn't protest when I hauled him out of there early.

The kid was tired! Exhausted! He fell asleep the second we got home just before 10:30 and slept for three hours. He usually doesn't nap until noon so I just didn't even think that he would be so tired. He'd slept well last night. I had no idea.

I felt so badly when I realized that he'd basically been begging me to take him home, he just didn't know how to tell me because he doesn't have the words yet. I'd told him that if he kept kicking I was going to take him home and he wanted to go home so he kept kicking. Makes sense. He was frustrated and tired. If I'd been paying attention, I would have realized that. If I wasn't so concerned with needing to be there the whole time. 

I'm realizing that I need to try to be more focused on my sons' needs, not what I think we should be doing. They are little guys. They get tired and hungry. It's more important to make sure they are rested and comfortable, not going to all these things and events all the time. I am their mommy, not their social director.

I'm learning y'all.

It flies by!!! Except....

...when they are screaming in public
...throwing a tantrum
...won't sleep
...won't eat
...won't stop whining
...won't stop [insert naughty activity here]

At those moments, time stops.


It's all temporary, it's only a phase, this will pass... Deep breath.

October, Fare Thee Well.

Time is really flying for me right now. Yikes.

Joe: Busy month for him. He's got a lot going on at work and a lot going on with improv. The new class he's co-teaching this semester where the students create a webseries is having typical and not typical first time growing pains. It's always hard when you create a new class but one on this scale that requires collaboration between departments is particularly tricky.

Sara: I feel like I blinked and this month went by. I've honestly been feeling pretty overwhelmed by my current life status and I think I'm looking forward to a break more than my students are. It's just difficult balancing all of my responsibilities. Especially with...

Z: We are waist deep in with early intervention now and are seeing both an uptick in Z's language development and his emotional reactions. The speech pathologist assures me that this is normal and we're reaching out to an occupational therapist to help us learn some coping techniques to help Z through this transitional time. He has been suddenly exhibiting a lot more jealousy towards Bear, anxiety in certain situations, and a lot of frustration when he can't communicate what he wants/needs.
He's also just a sensitive kid. I'm realizing more and more the traits he's picked up from us that are not ideal, though we've learned to cope so I'm sure he will too. Also, he's two. Toddlers are hot messes. However, hearing him learning so much and trying so hard is pretty amazing. I'm definitely thankful for the Birth to 3 program.

Bear gets his own post because he's almost six months! WHAT?

We've enjoyed the fall weather as a family and had a nice visit from my parents this month! My sanity barely survived the siding on our town homes being redone. Oh. My. Gosh. A full week of trying to get two kids to nap while a work crew wandered around and there was constant hammering. It was a nightmare.

A full week of mostly car naps. Z was not amused.

Spider-man needed to take a silly selfie with Mama to get ready for Trunk or Treat.

Grampy swinging with Z.

Bear modeling the sweater Aunt Marti knitted!

Z plays in the giant leaf pile!

Papa is often found double snuggling his boys.

Five Months Old!

Well, the Bear is 5 months! Whoa! This last month went by in such a haze that this has legitimately taken me off guard.

The GOOD

Bear gets more mellow and jolly as he ages, which is nice. He smiles all the time. It's adorable. He rides well in the stroller and carrier now, as needed, and takes great naps during the day (at home). He likes to laugh, roll over, try to crawl and attempt to sit unassisted. He loves baths and loves being naked post-bath even more.

We started solids with him per his doctor's recommendation since he wasn't drinking milk at daycare and was a very sad baby as a result. Fortunately, we solved that problem, but since he took to solids like a duck to water we've kept with it. His first time he had no tongue thrust and swallowed easily while mashing his jaws. (?!) He's enjoyed avocado, sweet potatoes, pears, apples, peas and oatmeal thus far, and just this week started eating Baby Mum-Mums, which he is crazy about. He hated the green beans, alas. He nurses very well and is getting quite chubby!

Bear is also adding to his vocabulary. He especially likes, "bla bla bla!" right now, but has thrown in a "mamamama" on occasion.

The BAD

Bear is still not a great car companion on a semi-regular basis, which is not fun for any of us. Z is particularly not amused when his brother decides to scream to high heaven when we are driving somewhere. If he decides he's not happy about his car life, there is basically nothing you can do to stop him.This is really where the majority of his crying in life occurs. In his day to day he doesn't really cry very much because he grumbles like an crabby old man for quite awhile before he will resort to all out crying.

Bear also appears to be having a growth spurt, which I was not expecting. He started waking more frequently to eat in the night with intense fervor just a couple days before turning 5 months. The silver lining is he eats very rapidly (10 minutes?) and then is back to sleep. The downside is that I really have to make sure he burps after that frenzied gulping or things can get gross. Like, shower gross. The other bright side is he has stopped any nocturnal pooping, so I never have to change his diaper in the night anymore. Win!

Bear also appears to be working pretty hard on teeth that just. won't. cut. BAH! Poor guy.

The AWESOME

Guys, he smiles all the time. I am not joking. This kid is so smiley, it is crazy. He wakes up and smiles. He finishes eating, looks at me, and smiles. He sees me from across the room and smiles. He sees Z do anything and smiles abound. Joe gets near him, he smiles. A random stranger talks to him, he smiles. You get the picture. He is just a really happy baby. We love him!

Wake me up when September En- wait, WHAT?

September flew by in a haze of stress and insanity for me. Adjusting to the new school year, having more than twice as many students than last semester, teaching a new course, getting the kids settled into a new daycare, having 3 out of 4 of us get sick, trying to find time to grade, cook, clean, eat, sleep, play... pshew. I was seriously taken by surprise to realize the month was almost over!

Joe has been really busy at work as he started new classes and responsibilities are getting redistributed. He's been doing a great job of trying to balance everything and give me some much needed "me" time. He continues to be the zen baby master to Bear and the adventure king to Z. He's been pretty stressed, but I hope as we settle into a routine that he can get in some yoga or something to help with that. Send him love.

I have been a hot mess. Oh my gosh. A coffee dependent hot mess! But, my students are great for the most part so far and I'm really liking teaching English 100. I'm hoping that I might get to repeat this schedule in the spring. It's hard since I go straight from my second class to pick up the kids, so I don't really have much time to get grading or planning done at school, which means I have to work it in at home. But, I am still liking the schedule overall and I'm thankful to have it.

We started off the school year with a bang, aka having to bring a feverish Z into work with us on the first day of classes. Z lulled me into a false sense of security by quietly watching Frozen while eating snacks in his stroller for a good 35 minutes before he suddenly decided to scream hysterically right as I was in the middle of taking attendance. I had to take him into the hallway to calm down and then hold him the rest of my class. He then calmed for a bit when I took him back to my office to pump breast milk for Bear, but again abruptly fell apart, causing my neighbor to think I was sobbing in my office. She started knocking on my door, anxiously asking if I was okay or needed help. Ten minutes later, the pump was put away and Z was dancing in puddles.

This was a Wednesday. His fever broke that evening and he was fine on Friday. I was dizzy, confused and shaking, but I thought it was just severe exhaustion from barely sleeping for two days. NOPE! I had gotten sick too. Ever since I got pregnant with Bear, my immune system has been in the toilet. What seemed to mildly bother Z for 24 hours completely destroyed me for three days. Bear also spiked a fever for not even a full day and was fine. I look back and am not entirely certain how I taught my classes that day, but I did. 

So, that was our start to the school year. At the same time as trying to sort out work, both kids were having some adjustment pains at daycare. 

Bear was refusing to eat, which was really stressful. After the first weekish I discovered I have high lipase in my breast milk which means it develops a soapy taste after it has been expressed unless I scald it to disable the protein. Some babies don't care. Bear does. Which meant I had to toss my freezer stash that I had so painstakingly assembled. I cried. A lot.

After we corrected that, Bear would deign to eat one ounce and that was it. He was crabby and hungry while he was there and would completely freak out when I came to get him because he wanted to nurse NOW, which was not an option since Z needed to get home for a nap, which meant Bear would scream hysterically in the car on the way home and while I got Z down for his nap. Not fun. Finally, after trying four different kinds of bottles unsuccessfully, I tried giving Bear a sippy cup instead and that did the trick. Now he is a happy guy who naps, eats and plays while at daycare and is not a ravenous ball of rage when I pick him up.

I was just breathing a sigh of relief over that when I was notified that Z had been exhibiting anxiety and frustration at times and they wanted permission to try some therapy methods to help him cope. Of course my red alert worry alarms went wild, because I'm apparently completely insane now that I have children. In the end, we tried one method and that seems to be working, so now I just have to get over my own fears/prejudices/anxieties about the stigma of "therapy" and everything will be fine.

We all think his frustrations are mainly stemming from not being able to verbally communicate, so on that note, I took the leap and had Z evaluated for Early Intervention this month. I was scared and anxious about this as well (are you sensing a theme? I mean, seriously, I wonder what my blood pressure has been like this month) but the people at EI could not possibly be more caring and helpful. I have a lot more to say about that so I will make it a separate post. 

We also had fun! I promise! Apple picking, hanging with friends, going to parks, playing new games, having cook outs with our new grill, etc. I do hope October will offer a bit of a reprieve though. 

Development - Part 3

First, I'm going to begin with a couple confessions.

Ever since the daycare evaluation I wrote about back in April, I've been really paranoid and worried about Z. I think what is really happening is that for the first time I am being faced with the reality that my kid isn't perfect. Z has always been happy and healthy. He met his milestones until this talking delay and he was an easy baby. I've never before had to confront the idea that he was anything other than "perfect." This hasn't been easy for me. 

Logically, I know a lot of good and reasonable thoughts, but I'm not being logical right now. Emotionally, I'm really scared to have a child that might need extra help. I'm ashamed to admit how much value I place on being "smart." I'm ashamed to admit how much it bothers me to think that Z might struggle in school or be an outcast among his peers. I'm ashamed that I feel embarrassed to tell people that Z is getting early intervention and that they are using a weighted therapy vest on him at school to help him cope with his emotions. I'm typing it here partially to get over these stupid feelings.

I'm truly ashamed because that is not practicing what I preach. I truly believe that people with special needs are just a different kind of unique. We all have our quirks, theirs might just be more obvious. I truly believe that there is more to life than doing well in school and going to college. I truly believe that there is no shame in therapy and that the stigma associated with it is a very serious problem in our society. I truly believe that struggles shape us and make us into better people. 

But, he's my son. I want everything to be perfect and easy for him. I want his life to be free from struggles. My mother heart wants smooth sailing and easy living for my children. I want him to be happy. 

That last thought is what finally pulled me out of this shame spiral. My son is happy. He's sweet and loving. He loves smiling at people and reading books. He loves jumping in puddles and kicking balls. He's creative and clever, mischievous and frustrating. He's a wonderful little boy with an infectious laugh.

He just needs a little help getting his words out. He needs a little extra reassurance when situations scare him at daycare. He's sensitive and empathetic. He worries about doing things well. In the end, he's only two. Who knows what's going on in his head?

So, here's the deal. One hour of speech therapy a week in our home or daycare. The speech pathologist is very sweet and gentle. I liked her immediately. I will participate with the sessions and we will come up with strategies together that we think will help Z make whatever connections he needs to use his vast vocabulary in his day to day life. He will be in this program until he turns three, at which time he might transfer into a program through the school system. 

Lastly, here is what I am thankful for: my son is happy. He's a healthy kid. I don't have to be afraid for his life. He's sweet and wonderful. I'm blessed every day to be his mother and I'm so grateful that I live in a place where extra help is available to him. I'm glad we're taking this step. 

Some random moments

Here are a couple things that gave me some chuckles and smiles:

- I was grocery shopping and Bear started crying. Around the corner I hear a woman say, "oh listen! It's a young one!" She followed the yowls and took a peek at my squalling son. With a beatific smile, she looked at me and said, "Oh, what a blessing they are." I almost choked on my laughter. Blessing wasn't the word I'd been looking for at the moment, but thank you kind older lady.

- I love when I smile at Z and he just starts chuckling. He can be such a happy little cutie.

- Z was in the bath and Joe held Bear up so he could see and Bear started laughing hysterically. Once Z realized he was the object of Bear's delight he started laughing too. I don't know if I have known joy like listening to my sons laughing together for the first time.

- Z has become quite the little hand holder. Sometimes he'll just hold one of our hands at the table when we are eating.

- Bear is so smiley. He can't stop himself. He's getting chubbier now so his face is all chub, rolls and fake dimples when he smiles. It's wonderful.

- Bear has started doing this thing when he nurses when he will suddenly stop, disengage, look up at me, smile hugely, and then resume eating. It's adorable.

- Z and I just started trying toddler yoga. One session ended with me rolling him up in my yoga mat. He thought it was hilarious and kept saying, "Snuggles! Snuggles!"

- Bear is obsessed with older U2. He can be crying hysterically, U2 will come on and this happens:

total zen

- It's getting so much easier to be a mom of two and have fun. I love seeing them enjoy interacting. Bear loves Z with all his heart, all the time. Z is still uncertain but sometimes we have moments like this:

Z trying to give Bear kisses.

Some Musings on Mommy Judging

There's a lot of chatter these days about "Mommy Wars" and judging each other's parenting choices. I know that these aren't made up issues and there are certainly times people are actually judging our parenting choices, but I was musing today about how often I perceive judgment when it doesn't actually exist.

For example, when I couldn't breastfeed Z, every time I mixed a bottle of formula in the presence of moms who were breastfeeding I felt like they were looking down on me for not trying hard enough to give my son breast milk. In reality, I have no idea what they were thinking. I know now as a mom on the other side of the fence, when I see another mom pull out a bottle of formula for her baby I either think absolutely nothing or I am a little jealous, depending on the situation.

I think this happens a lot because the natural reaction to hearing someone's parenting choices is to compare them to your own and assume that if you aren't doing the same, they must think you are wrong. After all, you both looked at the same situation and you made different choices. However, I don't think it's that black and white, though I'm guilty of feeling that way all the time. Someone might see me pull out some organic teddy grahams for Z and assume that I am all organic and am standing in judgment of their goldfish crackers. I'm not. The organic teddy grahams were on sale and thereby cheaper than the regular kind. Maybe you'll hear me say someday that I couldn't get into the Weissbluth sleep methods and you are a Weissbluth devotee and now believe that I think you are terrible. I don't, I just didn't have the discipline for Weissbluth. If he and I met, we couldn't be friends because I am way too much of a hot mess for him.

I feel automatically judged when I have to admit that I didn't take Z's bottles away until he was 20 months old. Or that I drank coffee through my entire pregnancy. Or that I have totally let my babies sleep on soft surfaces!! (Supervised, but they were soft. Super soft.) How about that I put Bear to sleep on his side, not on his back, because he loves it and was rolling onto his side to sleep the day he was born?

The thing is, we are all unique and our children are unique. We know them better than anyone else and know what they need. Also, we know our family dynamic and what we all as a unit need. Our bedtime routines could be different because our kids settle down differently. Our discipline measures could be different because our kids react differently to time outs, etc. Maybe you love to co-sleep, and I say more power to you, but I can't get a wink of sleep if I have a kid in bed with me at night.*  It doesn't mean someone is right and someone is wrong. It doesn't even mean that we are judging each other. It means we are doing the best we can to be the best parents we can to our individual children.

With social media we often catch little glimpses into people's lives that we are otherwise unfamiliar with. We read a snippet about how little bean is doing this or that and how their parent is using this or that strategy but we don't know little bean. We don't really know what little bean's personality is like day to day. We don't know what struggles and victories that little bean and mommy/daddy have been sharing. This makes it easy to judge or feel judged. It's either, "egads! She lets little bean eat fast food!!" or "egads! little bean is sleeping 12 hours straight every night! I'm failing as a parent!"

Friend, you are not failing as a parent. I learn more and more every day as a new mom of two that children are so gloriously, frustratingly, amazingly unique. Little bean might sleep 12 hours every night but be a napping terror. Little squash might be the happiest baby in the world during waking hours but be demanding and fussy at night time. As my mom has said many times, no one is perfect. All of our beautiful children will have problems, perfections and everything in between. Let's embrace them and what works for our families with confidence.

And remember, if anyone tries to tell you what you should do with your baby at night, give them your address, thank them for volunteering to be your night nurse and say you'll see them at 7.

*Joe, on the other hand can and does sleep with our sons all the time. Just a snuggly pile of humans that I can't even fathom. I  know that there are things that say fathers aren't aware of their children when they are sleeping like mothers, and therefore aren't as safe, but that is not the case with our home. Joe can somehow be completely unconscious and have a grip of steel on whatever kid he is sleeping with, holding them safe and secure. It's truly impressive.

Four months! Wooot!

PEACE OUT FOURTH TRIMESTER! GOOD RIDDANCE!

The GOOD

Bear started nursing faster, sleeping more (during the day), crying less. HURRAH!

He is a super smiley little guy. He much prefers looking at people to looking at toys and gets a giant smile on his face when someone smiles at or talks to him. He loves watching Z play and basically has a happiness explosion every time Z deigns to interact with him. (Z, I'm pretty sure, still thinks that Bear might be some sort of toy we brought home for him that rarely lives up to the hype.) He laughs and coos all the time and is frighteningly strong and coordinated. He's working really hard on inch worm crawling, sitting by himself (he's getting scary good at this) and trying to roll from back to front. It terrifies me.


The BAD

Bear is really hit or miss with night time sleep so far, which equals a very tired mommy. He tends to sleep in stretches that decrease as the night progresses. Goes down between 7 and 8, up at 11, 2, 4, and 6. Z was sleeping from 7-6, waking up for an hour and going back to sleep at this time, so Bear is kinda killing me with this. As my mom always says, every kid is different. Bear won't sleep like this forever so I just have to battle through. I know that Z did have a sleep regression somewhere in the 4-5 months range, but it was never as hard since Joe was sharing the night time duties.

I'm struggling a little to adjust to Bear's time at daycare, but I know I need to be patient and allow time for him to get used to something different. As all working moms know, it's really hard to leave your baby who has always depended on you with someone else, no matter how great they are. But, I am overwhelmed by guilt anytime he cries.

I'm having some pain with breastfeeding and pumping, which is lame. I've been trying to work on Bear's latch but it doesn't seem to be working.

He also almost made me go crazy this last month, but we won't dwell on that since he has made so many delightful improvements.

The AWESOME

Bear is becoming more like a real person now. I feel like we're finally getting into the part that makes me love being a parent- watching their personalities emerge and all of the new discoveries every day. I can't wait to find out more about Bear and see him interact more with all of us. I'm loving watching he and Z together.

Like I said in another post, I feel like I'm turning the corner and getting out of the part that's really hard for me. Not that parenting older babies or my toddler is easy all the time, but it's just a brand of kid that's easier for me to cope with. I don't know why, I just know that's how it works for me. Fortunately the newborn phase is short lived.

Know what ages I am nervous about? 11 to 14. Yikes.

Breast vs Formula Feeding - Four Months In

It's been interesting to breastfeed this time around. With Z I really beat myself up when we weren't able to breastfeed, and for a long time every time I made a bottle of formula for him in public I just felt ashamed and upset. I hoped and hoped my entire second pregnancy that I would be able to breastfeed this baby. Happily, I have been able to without too much difficulty, or I guess I should say with the normal amount of difficulty. Bear latched straight away right after birth and has been a good eater ever since. He's gained weight steadily and is very enthusiastic. I guess you could say it all worked out, and it has, but oftentimes times I wish that the two situations could have been reversed and I could have breast fed my first baby when I didn't have a toddler that I need to care for, but, oh well, so it goes.

What is very interesting to me now is that I can personally compare the two and there are really pros and cons for both ways. This is what I have so far after four months of breastfeeding.

It was nice to share night feedings when doing formula. It was nice to not feel tethered to the baby. I could run out to the store without having to look at the clock and say, "when will he want to eat again..." It was nice to not have to worry about pumping when I'm at work. Joe liked giving bottles and used to always take the early morning feeding and then snooze with Z on the couch. He misses that.

But, it's also nice to not have to carry formula and bottles around. It's nice to know that when Bear is hungry, I can feed him and I don't have to panic if I forgot a bottle (it happened once). It's nice to be saving the money.

Pumping is the worst though. I hate pumping. So much. Also, breastfeeding seems to take MUCH longer and I feel like Bear still eats more often than Z did.

I'm going to mention saving money twice, because that is a large motivating factor for me.

Honestly, I'm not finding breastfeeding all that it was advertised to be. I don't feel a magical bond with Bear when I feed him. Actually, I should say I don't feel a different or more special bond than I felt when I gave Z a bottle. I am more often frustrated by the limitations it puts on me than anything else. People told me to just hang in there through the first two weeks, four weeks and six weeks, because after that it go "so much better." So I kept setting those goals, waiting for things to get better. They didn't. Yes, the pain that I experienced at the beginning got better, but Bear was still a slow eater, he was still eating every 2 hours on the dot, he started sleeping more poorly at night.

At six weeks nothing was "better" and it felt much worse. At 8 weeks I was starting to get really frustrated. At 10 weeks I wanted to stop. I bought four varieties of formula for Joe to try to give Bear in hopes that I could feel less chained to him. Bear spit them out, no matter what we did (mixed with breast milk, warm, cool, ready to drink, powdered). I started getting so frustrated with Bear's lengthy nursing sessions that my skin would crawl while feeding him. I tried to force pacifiers in hopes that any non-nutritive nursing would stop. I found myself muttering, "I hate this. I hate this." Pretty ironic considering how devastated I was over not nursing Z. Only guilt kept me going: guilt over how much money it would cost if I quit breastfeeding, guilt over quitting for selfish reasons when I know so many women shed so many tears over not being able to breastfeed.

I set one last goal for myself: to make it until Bear started solids. I decided I needed to feel like I could get away from him so I committed to pumping every day even though I hated putting on the pump after having just nursed for 45 minutes. I started to slowly build up a stash of breast milk and once I got a little reserve set aside for daycare, I started building a reserve for myself to be able to go out and not feel panicked if Bear got hungry while I was gone. I started to feel better.

We are nearly to 16 weeks now and suddenly, without preamble at 14 weeks, Bear started nursing a lot faster, 15-30 minutes for 7 of his 9 feedings. Yep, he's still eating 9 times a day on average, but it's much more bearable now that it's taking much less time. Even though now I think I can make it to one year, I'm still setting small goals. I'm sticking with my current goal of getting to Bear eating solids, so six months, and then I'll reevaluate. And probably write another post.

August Update

Wow, goodbye summer. What an exhausting blur you've been for me.

The dapper fellow: 

Joe celebrated his birthday with friends and ice cream cake! Huzzah!

He managed to get all of his summer work projects done! Double huzzah! He also performed with an improv team and successfully auditioned for another, as well as had one of his team ideas chosen for a little festival type deal. He's now feverishly preparing for his new classes in the fall and trying to let his wife get some sleep when possible. What a good husband.

Joe also took Z to swim lessons this month for two weeks. It was pretty adorable sending the two of them off to the park via bike and bike trailer to go swimming. Z did well for the most part with only a couple of melt downs. It's hard to tell a squirmy two year old he can't get in the pool yet.

The less dapper lady:

Let's be honest, if my hair is brushed and I don't have spit up on my clothes, I'm doing well.

Hair, not brushed. Random pillow from me trying to sleep on couch one day. Hot mess.Cute kids. Blurry selfie.

I'm also feverishly preparing for my classes. I'm looking forward to the new semester and getting to know all my students, but I know it's going to be a lot of work balancing my kiddos and classes. Our fall schedule looks like this:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday: 8-12 boys are at daycare. I have a 9 AM and 11 AM English 100 class.
Tuesday: Preschool Open Gym 9:30-10:30
Thursday: Mom's Group Meeting 9:30-11

My goal was for Z to have active play time every morning outside of our house so we didn't get stir crazy this winter in our small home and I have succeeded. He loves the playroom at the mom meeting and the preschool open gym, which is offered through River Falls Community Education, is the most brilliant idea ever. Just a gym, a bunch of toys and piles of preschoolers running all their energy out. He also gets "large muscle playtime" at daycare, so it's great.

Speaking of the eldest:

He's adjusting well to the new schedule so far and now doesn't seem to have a problem making it to the later nap time. He's always busy and creative. He still has his meltdowns, but they are getting to be fewer and he's becoming a good listener. He definitely understands actions and consequences and loves pushing boundaries, ex. I told him not to throw a book,and he stopped, but then dropped it on the floor over and over. When I told him to stop that, he did, but then sat on the floor letting it fall out of his hands. All with a big smile on his face. Little stinker.
He's gotten really good at kicking a ball, like a little soccer player, which is adorable and makes me think we'll have to sign him up for tiny people soccer aka "watch the child swarm chase a ball." I really enjoy the one on one time I get with him these days and love our "dates" to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings.



He's still not talking much, which continues to mildly concern me. I was told he would not even be considered for speech therapy until 6 months after his ear tubes surgery, so I'm going to talk to his doctor about getting him an evaluation at Bear's 4 month appointment since I've heard the process can take awhile. Less because I really think he needs it and more because I know that if he ultimately does and I didn't get him evaluated, I would feel really guilty. So, it's for my peace of mind more than anything else. I should probably just be patient, and if I'm being honest with myself, I still think it's at least 75% due to his personality and that he will talk when he decides he's ready. However, I do still worry about his hearing and wonder if he has had some permanent hearing loss. Basically, I'm just too paranoid and crazy to wait it out.

And then there's the tiny:

I don't have a lot to say about the tiny because he gets monthly posts of his own right now. So, he's a picture. He's very good at grabbing and holding things now. After all, something needs to be in his mouth at all times or devastation!!!

Infants. Freals y'all.

Guys, I'm just gonna say it. Infants are not my favorite brand of baby. When Z was an infant I was okay with it because I didn't know any better. But now, I know. And I find infants no fun as a result.

Here are the complaints I would like to lodge against my adorable little Bear:

- Crappy napping. If Bear was hoping to drive me to the brink of insanity, the way to do it is to require an hour of nursing, dancing, shushing, swaying, rocking and then only sleep for 15 minutes. Lord, have mercy. Seriously.

- Rage against everything. Carrier. Car. Stroller. Rage, rage, rage. 

- Slowest breastfeeding ever. 45 minutes every two hours. Z was not amused. Neither was I. 

- Night sleep. Or lack thereof. He lulled me into a false sense of security with sleeping well the first two months and then KABLAM!

Because of the aforementioned items which made things like, oh, grocery shopping, making dinner, playing with the crabby toddler, not sitting in the rocking chair and nursing, extremely difficult without copious crying, I was starting to lose it. I'm sure that I've repressed a lot of difficult aspects of Z's babyhood, but I know one thing for certain. He loved the carrier and when he was fussy or tired I could just pop him in there and he would be out like a light. Bear offered no reprieve of this kind. The only thing that made him happy was nursing. Nursing forever. I tried a million (10-12) pacifiers. I tried a bottle. I tried every teething toy we own. Nope. He wanted me and only me. Substitutions not accepted.

I know some women really enjoy that aspect of breastfeeding, the whole baby relies on you 100% for life and whatnot. I don't. Like I said, I was starting to snap. I would feel legitimately angry when he would only nap for 15 minutes or nurse for an hour before bed. Then I would feel guilty for being angry at an infant. Z would be crying or begging me to play with him and that just compounded the feelings of guilt and frustration. I knew it was going to be hard adjustment to have two kids but I started thinking that something, anything had to change or I just couldn't keep this up. I started thinking about quitting breastfeeding to get some reprieve or leaving Bear to cry himself to sleep for naps.

Then, a magic moment. In a desperate middle of the night internet search, I ran across a post on troublesometots.com suggesting letting your crappy napper sleep in the swing. For some reason I had it in my head that Bear needing to be learning to sleep in his crib at this time and using any other sleep crutch would break him forever. The next day, I followed her suggestion and he napped for 4 hours that day (not consecutively). I told my parents I was just going to give up and let him have a sleep crutch. They, in nicer terms, told me that my generation and all our baby raising rules are insanity and that I needed to do whatever I could to get some rest and get Bear some rest. So that's what I started doing. Bear napped in his swing during the day and slept in his bed at night with a vibration unit to help settle him. I actually got some uninterrupted time with Z every day. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

After that, it seemed like Bear suddenly turned a corner. My BFF Shana claims that God saw I was about to lose it and arranged this reprieve, which is entirely possible. Bear cried less in the car. Bear would fall asleep and nap in the carrier if we had to be out when he was tired. Bear went for a ride in the stroller and didn't scream. Bear started nursing for only 20-30 minutes!!!! Sometimes as little as 15! He started napping on something resembling a schedule and then finally started waking less frequently at night. He's still up more than I would like, but progress is progress.

My baby is growing up and I'm thankful and sad at the same time. It's always bittersweet to see my babies growing, even though I love watching them learn and grow and discover who they are. However, in this case it's a lot more sweet than bitter because seriously, I don't really like the newborn stage and I'm thankful we've made it through the first three months. Onward! 

Three Months!

Woot, Little Bear is three months old! We're almost past the hardest part (in my opinion).

The Good

Bear sleeps great at night. We are down to one night time feeding, usually around 3:30 AM. He's been just getting up, eating and going right back to sleep. I'm loving it. At the time of this writing he even went from 9 PM feeding to 4:30 AM feeding. Wooooot. (I'm publishing this a couple weeks after I wrote this and of course none of this is true anymore)

Bear is also SUPER smiley. If he's eaten and doesn't want to sleep, he is just all smiles, coos, and wiggles. He will look all around and just smile. I love the smiles. He loves to look at people the most, but is starting to get interested in toys and is finally okay with being put down in his bouncy seat or the play mat to play by himself for a bit. 

The other great thing is we seem to have gotten a handle on the blood in his poop issue. I cut out dairy but upon the suggestion of Bear's new pediatrician, I started adding it back in to see if I got a reaction. So far he's not reacted to anything and now we are starting to think that it might have been a little virus and dairy is fine after all. Only time will tell.

The Bad

As Bear becomes more aware of his surroundings he's much more difficult to get to sleep during the day. He rejects most of the go-to baby sleep strategies like car rides, stroller rides, and baby wearing (which kills me). He will scream relentlessly in the car, stroller and carrier or wrap until he just reaches a place of exhaustion or something and will give up and go to sleep. But it's like 20 minutes of screaming, which I can't handle (neither can Z!) unless there is no choice (like in the car or if we walked somewhere with the stroller and now we have to get home). I'm hoping he will outgrow his hatred of all of these things. 

I'm also still holding on to the hope that he will take a pacifier, just because he wants to suck all the time but sucking on our fingers constantly is not feasible. I've got about 7 different brands that I keep on trying out even though I know it's probably futile. Why do my children hate pacifiers?

The Awesome

Bear is still nursing like a champ and takes a bottle from Joe without a problem, which is a relief. I dream that someday soon I'll have enough milk set by to leave him for a night out. He's growing like a weed. He is fascinated by Z and I love watching him watch Z. He loves splashing in the tub and being upright so he can see everything. Overall he is truly a delight. 

July Recap

Whew. What a month.

We had our first out of town trip as a family of four. We're never leaving home again. No, no, just kidding, it wasn't that bad, but anyone who has shared a hotel room with a toddler and infant knows that is a special situation. We ended up jamming Z's pack n play into the bathroom to make him go to sleep and we just made the trip down to the lobby for any nocturnal toilet needs. If there is one thing that is true of small children, it is they thrive on a schedule and familiarity. Traveling murders this.

However! It was great to see Grandma Sally and Joe's aunts and uncles. I love getting to bring the boys to see Grandma Sally because she's always so delighted to see her great-grandsons and trots them out to the other residents. I love the little town she lives in and it's always a pleasant time. Everyone showered the kids with gifts and love, which made me feel proud, even when Z was melting down from the combination of no naps, too much excitement and sheer toddler insanity.

Joe's parents and Hannah came up with us and stayed for four days, which was fun. Hannah loves her nephews and is always an enthusiastic guest.

A week later my parents came in for a week and Joe's brother, Zac, popped in for a couple days. More fun and frolicking. I was especially excited to visit the Como Conservatory with my parents and get to see the outdoor plants and gardens. I'd only ever been in the winter so this was great. I went on the carousel with Z also, which was hilarious. He looked completely stoned the entire time so I thought he was not enjoying it at all but then he sobbed when it was over and didn't want to get off.

Now, we are winding down from all of our visitors. Joe and I are working to get ready for the semester. I'm also working on getting the boys on their new schedule for the fall. Z will be going to his new daycare for a couple hours twice a week starting August 10th to get him acclimated and then will start our fall schedule August 24th. Bear will start either the 24th or the next week.

I'm feeling really good about the new daycare. The director has been really wonderful to talk to and work with. She's being really accommodating with my schedule and helpful in making me feel comfortable with the new situation. I think it will be great for Z to have the social playtime for those mornings but still get to nap at home. I worry a little more about Bear, but he's considerably older than Z was when he started going to a sitter so I'm sure he'll be fine. My biggest anxiety is pumping enough milk for daycare. I've never gotten a lot of milk from the pump and never can pump enough for a bottle in one session. It generally takes me 2-3 times to get enough for one bottle so I'm worried I won't be able to freeze enough milk to have plenty of extra if Bear has hungry days. Since Bear has this milk protein intolerance he can't have regular formula, so I'm going to talk to the doctor about trying him on soy formula, just so I'll have a safety net to put my mind at ease. He's shown no signs of a soy intolerance so I'm hoping he would tolerate soy formula if we needed it in a pinch.

Otherwise, we're doing well overall. It's been really challenging for me to be home with the boys and try to figure out day by day how to meet their needs. I usually feel like I'm neglecting one or the other and go from feeling like I have a handle on things to crying over feeling like the worst mother in the world an hour later. I've been immeasurably grateful for my mom friends whose encouragement and understanding keeps me puttering along. I keep reminding myself that this is a short season. My boys will not be so little for very long and things are going to get easier.

My recap of July: we're tired, but well loved by our families and blessed by our beautiful and challenging sons.

Fiasco

Fiasco. That is how I would describe my life currently, as a fiasco. Trying to corral a 2 year old while working around the (non)schedule of a 2 month old is just craziness.

For example, let's look at a day a week ago. Bear woke up at 3 a.m. to eat. It took a little longer than normal because apparently he needed to poop very, very badly but it just wasn't happening. Once he was finally settled and going back to sleep at about 4:15, I peeked in to check on Z because he had made a terrible squawking noise that sounded like he was in pain or suffering in some way. When I peeked in he popped up and started chatting away. I told him no it was still dark outside so it was time for sleep. He disagreed. He ended up getting up for the day at 4 a.m. You can imagine that meant we were going to have a very good morning.

I really wanted to go to Trader Joe's, which is almost 40 minutes away, so it takes some planning to go there. We have to leave as soon as Bear eats to give me enough time to get there and do the shopping before Bear is going to freak out. This morning as soon as Bear had his first morning feed I managed to get everybody in clean diapers and dressed and in the car by 8 a.m. Win! However, my clever plan was foiled when Z fell asleep in less than 5 minutes. After thinking about it for another 5 minutes I decided the best idea was to just turn around and let him take a nap at home and try again after he got up. So that's what I did. As soon a Z had woken up and Bear had eaten, we left. All was going according to plan. Bear was asleep, Z had napped and eaten, so we were in good shape. Or so I thought. The best laid plans...

We got there and got inside without too much drama except for the minor hiccup that Bear woke up when I put him in the carrier. I figured I could jiggle him back to sleep but I was very, very wrong. After about 10 minutes Bear started screaming and Z started yelling and trying to smack me. I could feel my blood pressure start to rise as people started staring at us. I managed to calm Bear a little bit with a pacifier but it only lasted for maybe another 10 minutes, if that, before he started to scream bloody murder.

If I hadn't been 40 minutes from home I would have just abandoned the groceries and left but I just couldn't stand the thought of wasting this entire trip. So, I did something different: I went in the bathroom. There are some times that I think we have too much technology in life but that day I was very grateful for my smartphone to entertain my 2 year old while his brother nursed in the bathroom.

Once Bear had eaten on one side, I hastily got him back in the carrier and finished my shopping (forgetting 3-4 items I'd wanted to buy) and got in line. Z decided that he thought I was abandoning him when I went to bag groceries and pay, so he started screaming. Then Bear realized he was still hungry and also started screaming. To top it off, the very young cashier thought she would offer me parenting advice. Yep. Because what I want to do while both my kids are crying is to prolong this moment for you to tell me that if only I would have let Z open up the Cheddar Rockets and eat them while I was shopping, there would be no crying. Other moms do it all the time!

We finally got out to the car where I calmed Z, loaded him up with a drink and snacks, finished nursing Bear and breathed a sigh of relief.

Fiasco. Seriously y'all. Sometimes I really thinking I'm losing this game.

2 Months!

As my friend said yesterday, "you're halfway to him being a real person!" So true.

The stats
22.5 inches
10 lbs 15 oz
Well vaccinated.

The Good

Bear smiles ALL THE TIME! Super smiley when he sees us or we do "high fives" or tickle his chin. He loves watching Z careen around and going outside. He is a really happy little guy when he is awake until it's time to be fed or walked to sleep. Walking or nursing are his preferred methods of falling asleep these days and he's starting to feel that he should be held for all naps. However, the vast majority of his night sleeps are great! He usually does a 5-5.5 hour stretch, eats, sleeps another 4, eats, and sleeps another 3. If I didn't have a toddler who tends to wake at 6 I might be feeling reasonably rested.

The Bad

Bear appears to have a cow protein sensitivity so I'm having to cut dairy out of my diet. It's been just over a week and it seems to be doing the trick so I'm hoping that is all I have to cut from my diet. I'm sad though, because I love dairy. This breastfeeding experience has thus far not been the magical unicorn ride I was promised in my breastfeeding class.

The Awesome

Even though poor Bear has apparently been having gut issues, he's not shown it at all except via the contents of his diapers. He's a very jolly and overall easy baby. Not very fussy in spite of the fact that he can bring the roof down when he really decides to scream. I'm very thankful this month for his steady growth and calm demeanor.

June Recap!

Whew! Busy month.

My brother Aaron and his wife Becky came for a brief but fun visit one weekend and then Joe's brother, Luke, and his girlfriend, Shawn, came the following weekend. It was great to have people to play with and give Z a lot of attention.

The Man of the Family: Joe's into his summer schedule which means he works four day weeks instead of five, which is great. We love having him home with us for that extra day. He takes Z for "Father/son Friday Adventures," which they always return from happy, dirty and ready for a nap or quiet time. The only downside is that he actually has a lot of work to do this summer including remodeling the studio at the University, so he has to squeeze in as much as possible on the days he works.
Aside from that, he makes himself busy being the baby whisperer of the house and putting Bear into coma-like sleep with his signature fluffy blanket shush march.

The Lady of the House: I'm getting into a routine with the boys (as much as you can get an infant into a routine) and have made it a goal to get out of the house every day, even if just for a walk. I've started meeting up with a couple ladies from my mom group for play dates, which is great. We all have ~2 year old sons and I love that they understand if I just have to call it a day and leave. This is something I've had to learn: if my kids are losing it, I need to know when to just say, "enough is enough" and go home instead of trying to accomplish a task or stay somewhere for hours. I feel like I'm getting a handle on things a bit.

My brand new news is that I am going back to work in the fall after all. UWRF had more students enroll than anticipated which necessitated the addition of two more sections of English 100. The department chair needed to bring back an adjunct for these classes and they chose me. I was really flattered that they picked me even though I only have the one year of experience. After talking it over, crunching the numbers and checking with a daycare, we decided I would accept the position. The boys will go to a daycare at one of the Lutheran churches in the mornings on MWF that is maybe a 10 minute walk from the building Joe and I work in. We were really excited to find this daycare that allowed for a schedule with only three half days, which is really all we need and makes it affordable.

The Eldest Child: Z had his post-op checkup and his tubes look great. He also had another hearing test and did well. His language has made huge leaps forward. He repeats words constantly and has started using the two word sentences that everyone was wanting from him. He has gotten more obedient and is learning to use his words to make requests. It's been really exciting to see his improvement.

He's continued his love of books and memorizing chunks of his favorites. He has nearly the entire book of Bear Snores On memorized, as well as The Napping House. Surprisingly, I have them memorized too. So does Joe.

He is still adjusting to having Bear around, and even though he loves visitors it does tend to send his schedule into a crazy spiral. He throws a lot more tantrums than he did before and will get really frustrated if he wants my help or attention while Bear is nursing. We're also still battling his frustrating habit of hitting, both in anger and play. The kid spends so much time in time out for hitting some days that I feel like that's all we do. For some reason it will only stick for a couple days and then he's back at it. I'm starting to think time outs might not work for this issue since a lot of the time his goal is just to get my attention and he is pleased as punch when I stop what I'm doing because he hit me and I take him to time out.

The Smallest Child: Growing like a weed. Eating a lot though at 6 weeks he started spacing out his feedings during most of the day as well as giving me one longer night time. At the time of this writing the best nights are 5.5 hours. Woooot. He started smiling, which is really nice. It makes him feel more like a real person and nothing warms mommy's heart like getting a gummy smile from her little guy. He's also very, very strong. Beside rolling over (infrequently), he has really excellent head control and will bear his weight on his legs. His preferred position is to be held up high on one's shoulder so he can lift his head up and look around. More to come in his two month update.