Sara's Opinion Rants On Motherhood - "Sleeping Through the Night"

Congratulations! You had a baby!

So. How's it sleeping?

Ah yes, one of the absolute favorite questions to pepper parents with because it's a quick and easy way to assess if they are winning or losing the Game of Life. God help them if they answer "no" because then they will get a deluge of [unwanted] advice, anecdotes, book recommendations, websites that will guarantee that little bundle will be sleeping through the night in no time! And forever!

Yeah, I'm gonna call bullsh*t on all of that.

Here is my opinion rant on the magical unicorn we call "sleeping through the night."*

The Myth: Babies are Robots

For some unknown reason, people seem to think that babies are robots, not humans. I can only guess that's what people think because they seem to believe that every baby is the same and therefore will react the same way to the same schedule, sleep training, teething, cold, etc. (except when you are freaking out because they aren't crawling, then it's all "every baby is different!" Yes, they are all different except they should all sleep the same. Wait, what?)

I can't say for certain about all babies, but I'm fairly certain that most babies are not robots. They are, in fact, humans. Humans, shockingly, while predictable in many ways, are actually unique. I'm not sure at what age our society deems it acceptable for humans to have different sleep patterns, but certainly not any age where the younger human might need the assistance of an older human during their nocturnal wakings. Oh no, those humans should have been sleep trained and sleeping all night, every night without a peep or YOU HAVE FAILED AS A PARENT.

Here's the thing. No, you have not failed. Babies wake up because they have needs. Some babies are needier than others. There are ways to test for needs vs. wants. There are methods for this everywhere and one will probably work for you. But, in the end, the person who is asking you about your baby's sleep habits and then telling you how you should do whatever, is not the parent. You're the parent. You're the one waking up with little pudding. You get to decide. They do not. What worked for their little Gertrude might not work for your kid and that's okay. Gertrude is Gertrude and Sammy is Sammy. They are each individuals who may need different things to fall and stay asleep.

The Myth: Once Your Kid Sleeps Through, They Will Do it FOR-EV-ER

Honestly,  I don't even understand this and maybe it happens every now and then, but in my [limited] experience and observations, it ain't happening often. Why? Because babies and toddlers are ticking time bombs, exploding every few months with learning, teething, testing, sickness, etc. You get over one hump and another is waiting for you. That's okay. That's part of being a parent. That's not failing, that's bearing witness to your child's life. It can suck, but it's part of the big picture. Little pudding will settle back down and return to sleeping in due time.

Be strong, parents. You can do this. Don't let other people make you feel crazy. You have kids for that.

*I am obviously not even remotely an expert. I'm someone who likes to write her random thoughts down. These should be taken as random thoughts, not expert advice. K? Cool.

**Oh, and I am a little sassy, deep down inside. This is my sass outlet.

***This is not an angry sleep-deprived rant. Z is actually a really great sleeper. In May, there may be angry, sleep-deprived rants. Newborns.... sigh...

Mommy?

When I was little I spent quite a few nights sleeping on my parent's bedroom floor. I don't know if I had a higher than average amount of nightmares, if I'm an over-reactive person, or if I'm typical, but I would get up, tap on my parent's door and tell my poor light-sleeper of a mom that I'd had a bad dream and needed to sleep on their floor. I'd drag in pillows and blankets and settle myself down on the safety of their floor (their bed frame went all the way to the floor with built in drawers so no monsters could be under there to get me. Pshew). Then came the kicker- that Mom had to hang her hand over the side of her bed while she slept so I could grab it just in case I needed it. I can't imagine that was a very comfortable way to sleep, but she did it because she's my mom, she loves me and she knew I was scared.

I'm the mom now. It hit me like a thunderbolt last night when Z woke up and was whimper sobbing pitifully. We laid down on the floor for a minute and he reached over, put his hand on my cheek and immediately calmed down. I thought, "Really? That's it? That's good enough?" It was. Because I'm mommy. Just as surely as my mom's hand hovering above me in the dark was enough to protect me from any imagined or perceived dangers, I'm enough to do the same for Z.

Whoa.

We're sleepy :)

This one is kind of morbid. Oops.

Bebo must have heard me bugging and pestering and muttering because I got a couple little nudges today. Little, precious, teeny, tiny baby nudges.

I like to be an optimist. I hope for the best, I like believe the best. But, deep inside, I'm very fearful when it comes to my loved ones. When I was pregnant with Z, there was always a unshakable fear just below the surface that something terrible could happen and I could lose him. Heck, that still exists to some degree. Every now and then I get completely overwhelmed with the idea that I can't protect him from everything and at any moment we could get struck by tragedy. I cope better now that he's outside the womb because I can pretend I have some control. What happens in my body... I'm painfully aware there's not much I can do about it.

For some reason my anxiety for Bebo has been on the rise lately. At night as I'm falling asleep I keep getting visions of my doctor searching in vain for Bebo's heartbeat. It's led to me lying in bed whispering, "give me a nudge baby, just let me know you're in there."

The reality is, like so many things in life, it's out of my control. I have to just have faith and trust. But, boy, was I happy to feel those nudges today.

The Belly Appears

Well, the belly has "popped." I was actually expecting it sooner, so this works. Now I'm in the weird in-between pants stage where maternity pants don't stay up very well and my regular pants don't fit anymore. I broke out the belly band this week, but frankly those things annoy me. I figure I've only got another couple weeks before the maternity pants will stay up just fine, but boy do I wish I could wear sweatpants to work. My students wear pjs, so it would be okay, right?

I'm anxiously awaiting my next doctor's appointment. I hate this stage of pregnancy before I can feel the baby move and I'm just sitting around, assuming everything is fine (otherwise I would go cuckoo) because I can't stand the smell of _______ (it changes). I keep asking Bebo to just give me a little nudge, but alas, Bebo has not yet complied. I produce stubborn children. No idea where that comes from. (Looks innocent)

Only four weeks of the semester left! I've almost made it through my first round and I'm already working on my syllabus for next semester. It's so much easier now that I know what to expect and how students tend to respond to things. I almost feel bad for my poor "first pancake" students this semester, but I think I've managed to teach them a thing or two.

How are the boys? Oh, they're good. Joe got to go see Dave Bazan with a string quartet, and he enjoyed that. He's been really, really busy as the semester is winding up, but he's surviving. I think we're both looking forward to a little "staycation" at the end of the semester to calm down a bit. This has been a really exhausting year. Good, but exhausting.

Z is a ham. Seriously. He does ridiculous things to get our attention and make us laugh all the time. He's pretty delightful except at meal times when he is like a sphinx. It's anybody's guess what he will or will not want to eat. If we get really lucky we figure out the magic key that then causes him to happily scarf down all of his food. Might be ketchup. Might be that he wants a spoon. Maybe he wants to drink out of a glass instead of a sippy cup. It's a new mystery every day.

He's still basically refusing to talk, which I'm trying very hard to not get crazy about. By now I should have learned that my Blum men will do things in their own time and I cannot push them. Learning that about Joe was probably one of if not the biggest lesson of our relationship. I need to accept that same thing about Z. He's shown again and again that he does things when he's ready and then gleefully makes up for lost time. He obviously understands us when we talk to him, though often chooses to ignore us, and is learning new things constantly (this week it was responding when we sing "If You're Happy and You Know It." He's got the clapping part down.) so I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with him. I just always get a moment of panic when I'm faced with those milestone checklists. I hate those things. If I can't check "yes" for every item I always freak out even though I know that kids develop at different paces. I love how my emotions just blatantly ignore my logic, it's fun.

Oh boy, I think I've made it!! (nope, haven't. Blast)

Nov. 3, 2014

I think I've made it through the sickness! GLORY! I suddenly started feeling better yesterday. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think I'm finally past the worst of it! Peace out, first trimester! I won't miss you!

Continuing symptoms are strange hunger and being tired pretty much all the time. The other day I literally felt like I could not stay awake so I put on Frozen, set a timer for 20 minutes, put my arm around Z on the couch so I'd wake if he moved, and passed out. I woke up 20 minutes later to my toddler right where I left him and my exhaustion curbed enough to carry on with life.

I'm waiting anxiously for my first movements from Bebo. This pregnancy just feels so unreal to me, even now. I don't know if it's because I'm not in a flurry of preparation or if it's because we aren't getting any early ultrasounds... not sure. It's just very blase. I realize in my mind that I'm pregnant but that's about as far as it goes. I have a list of things I need to do before this baby arrives but I'm basically just looking at it, lazily.

Things I have done: I did order a robe and nightgown for the hospital today because they were on killer sale and last time I borrowed a robe. I have scraped together some maternity clothes since I borrowed so many of those last time as well. We've started making some plans about how we will house this baby, since we think we're going to forestall buying a house one more year and just stay where we are. Only two bedrooms, so where to put baby?

Right now, we're thinking in the closet. That's reasonable, right? I haven't yet called my mother in law to ask her to shower me with wisdom about rooming toddlers and babies together (like when that can start), but that will come soon. It will be cramped, but it seems like the wisest choice and the least stressful for all involved. Joe's contract will be up for renewal in 2016, so this way we will know where we stand before we pick a mortgage payment house. To be perfectly honest, if this place was just a little bigger, I wouldn't even be that interested in buying a house yet. I'm anxious about home-ownership. But, I think after spending a year with a toddler and newborn in a two bedroom townhouse, I'll be ready. I keep reminding myself that I'm a ridiculously spoiled, first-world, richie rich because I have seen with my own eyes families crammed into tiny shacks that barely seem big enough to contain them. I bet they'd be thrilled to live in my "small" townhouse with heat and running water.

This all just reminds me how dang thankful I am. I was telling Joe this morning that I thought teaching college students might make me nostalgic for the "good old days" of college and how easy things were then. But, it hasn't. I feel so blessed that my life just seems to get better and better. I know it might not be the life everyone wants, but I love it. Each new adventure is special and exciting. Almost a full 12 years in a relationship with Joe and I still love being his partner in love and life. My toddler woke me up at 4 AM this morning (curse you, daylight savings!!)  but being his mother has been so wonderful. And now, I get to be a mother again. Yes, life isn't perfect, and it never will be, but I am thankful for all the blessings I have and I'm excited about the future, even though I know challenges await.

Nov. 10th.

It was all a lie. So... sick... ugggg.... scrambled eggs and toast for dinner again.

Eureka

November 8

I had an epiphany in the shower.

I'm only going to be a parent of littles (< 7 years old) for about... Oh... ten years. Give or take, this is assuming we have 3 kids. I've already got almost 2 of those years under my belt!

This is my point. Sometimes, I have some despair because I think to myself, "I'm never going to have time to myself again. I'm never going to be able to go out again. I'm never going to be able to sleep all night again." I see tantrums stretching out for infinity. I see diapers that never end.

This is, of course, completely illogical. Z is not going to be throwing tantrums forever. He's only going to be in diapers (I hope!) another yearish. Someday, he's going to be so big and will definitely not long to sit in my lap for hours and snuggle.

It's all too easy to get caught up in the everyday anxieties and dramas of  life with a small child and feel like the challenges are all-consuming and never ending. I know I've written on this theme before, but it's so important to remember how temporary everything is so you can soak it all in and be thankful.

It's November. The thankful month. People on Facebook will do daily or weekly or whatever "thankful challenges." On Thanksgiving maybe we will go around the table and say what we are thankful for. It's great to have a time dedicated to that. Take advantage! You don't need to post it on social media for it to be real, just take a moment and savor every amazing thing you have to be thankful for.

Here's my list today in no particular order:

- Hot showers. I can have one EVERY DAY. It's amazing.
- All my creature comforts.
- My job that allows me both fulfillment and time with my son.
- My husband who takes care of us, who let's me nap and rest when needed, who makes me laugh, who supports me and challenges me, who parents our son lovingly, who talks to our fetus who can't even hear him.
- My healthy, sweet, smiley son. He can make me crazy but he can also explode my heart with love and happiness.
- My healthy little in utero baby. Even though I'm in the, "I worry about you every day" phase right now, and the beginning of this pregnancy has been kind of rocky for me, I'm so thankful for this growing little life and the place s/he holds in our family.
- Clementines. I've had three today. Can't get enough citrus in my life. Best part of winter!
- A hot cup of tea.
- Friends who support and love me, far and near.
- Family. Our families are wonderful.
- My new hat and scarf crafted by Marti's artful hands. I love hats and scarfs, especially knitted ones but I can't wear a lot of them because of my sensitive skin. Whatever this yarn is, it's perfection. Plus, I look adorable. Plus, she made matching hats for Joe and Zander. Plus, this scarf is awesome.
- Root beer floats from Culvers. I normally hate root beer but baby apparently LOVES it, so these floats taste like the best thing in the world.

10/12/14

Well, it's official. This fetus is way more cranky than Z was. Even though I often didn't feel great my first trimester with Z, I never actually "got sick." I was lucky. Bebo has brought me to the brink many, MANY times over the last several weeks but I generally have an iron stomach. It takes a lot to make it give up its contents. Well, Bebo, I guess, was not satisfied with "almost." Uggg....

Seriously, God bless all you poor women who get sick the whole first trimester (or whole pregnancy! GAH!). A quick prayer for Princess Kate, bless her heart, stuck in a hospital on and off. At least she doesn't have to hold down a job during all that. How could you?!

Forever and ever, I will be immeasurably grateful for the gift of my children. Not everyone is so lucky and many go through so many struggles to get their babies into their arms. If some vomiting is what needs to happen for this baby to be healthy, strong and get into my arms, no problem.

But it still sucks.

Attention, everyone.

10/10/14

Attention world. Joseph Blum is a spectacular husband and father. He deserves accolades.

This has been a long, exhausting week. To begin with, I needed to grade all of my class' first papers, which I felt nervous about and was a lot of work. Then, I got the dreaded call before my third class on Monday, "Z has a fever of a 103.6." Gah! Z got hand, foot and mouth disease and it was wretched. He was so miserable and uncomfortable, he barely slept, and needed to be held constantly. The first night I took care of him myself, with him only sleeping for about 30 minutes at a time before he would wake and need to be comforted back to sleep. It was way worse than when he was a newborn. No sleep. No naps the next day. Needing to be held all day and crying and crying because he was in pain. It was terrible. Add this on top of my ever-present first trimester exhaustion and hormones and I was a hot mess by the time Joe got home. We took turns holding Z while the other ate canned soup on the couch for dinner. I graded as long as I could stay awake and coherent while Joe insisted on taking the first "shift." Then I took over for my shift. It's just horrible to see your child so miserable and not be able to do a thing to help. Plus, add being exhausted on top of that and begging them to stay asleep... ugh. The next day, I won't lie, at one point I just sat in the rocking chair with him and we both cried. He was exhausted and miserable and I was exhausted and defeated.

But, we got through. Z started doing better on Wednesday and was pretty peachy by Thursday. I had to pull late nights to get all of my papers graded, but I managed. I wouldn't have managed without Joe. Now, I am tucked up cozily on the couch while he gets Z to bed so I can rest because he insisted. And I'm so grateful because I am honestly just bone tired. My eyes keep drooping shut even as I type this, but I wanted to get it down so I can remember how blessed I am to have such a partner in life. So many men are not like this. I know I should never take it for granted.

We love you, Papa! Thanks for taking care of all of us.

Ugly Cry

Good news! Bebo has brought back the unstoppable ugly cry of days gone by! Hurray!

Let's all take a moment and say a prayer for Joe as he weathers 7ish more months of this emotional roller coaster.

Ugly cry total for 9/29/14- 3
Dry heaving - too much to count

Score:
Baby- infinity
Me - 0

Secret Baby Posts

I'm not going to try to write toooooo many secret baby posts because it will feel weird publishing them all at once. Like the blogging equivalent of RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! But, I also don't want to neglect these early days of Bebo (Joe hates this nickname so it might not stick).

I feel... terrible. I'm trying to remember if I felt this terrible with Z but it's hard to be sure. My life was so different then. I would get off work at 3:30, come home and sleep. I could nap every day and make dinner to eat at 7 if I wanted to. It was fine. Now, I have a rather demanding toddler who needs to be fed, bathed and in bed by 7/7:30. I don't generally have time for a nap, though I've snuck a few here and there (thank you, Joe). For some reason this baby makes me dreadfully sick in the late afternoon and evening more so than in the morning, which makes making dinner a very unpleasant task some days. I'm having some pretty intense food aversions that I don't recall having with Z. I legitimately cannot eat certain food or I will vomit. There are only a handful of things that I find even remotely appetizing and I'm honestly still at a loss as to what will help settle my stomach down this time around. With Z my tummy was happy with all things carb and dairy. This baby is much pickier. Thus far the only thing that has really seemed to sit well is chocolate milk, but I don't feel great about drinking my weight in chocolate milk for the next 6 weeks. It's really unfortunate, but I am thankful that so far I'm not actually vomiting, so that's great. I know a lot of women have a much rougher time than I am having, so I will try not to be a whiner.

I'm feeling less anxious about being a mom of two as time goes on, though I'm sure the anxiety will come and go. I've started taking Z to a play group on Tuesday mornings and it's bolstered my confidence to see other moms corralling multiple kids. Plus, seeing Z growing all the time makes me realize that in these next 8ish months he is going to grow and change so much that I can't even anticipate what he will be like when newbie arrives. I'm sure there will be hard days, but that is true of any life. I am looking forward to those soft, squishy newborn cuddles. Those days are gone so fast and they are so precious and delicious.

Our next appointment is Oct. 8. My parents are coming to visit this week, (Sept 24) and we will be sharing the news with them then. Joe's family is coming up Oct. 16. Once the families know the big news, we'll let the cat out of the bag to our friends. (Hi everyone!) Then I can make my students feel guilty when they are naughty by playing the pregnancy card. "HOW COULD YOU TURN IN YOUR PAPER LATE?! I'M PREGNANT!!" That'll work, right?

Hi Bebo

I've decided that for the time being I'm going to call the new baby.... drum roll please.... Bebo. It just seems like a good nickname for a fetus.

I had my first doctor's appointment this week during which we established that I am indeed pregnant and that I really like my new OB thus far. Right now my due date is May 5 based on my last period, but I'm pretty sure that it's going to be moved later once we have our first ultrasound. That's just what I'm guessing. Stay tuned to see if I'm right!

Anyhow, the appointment really helped me feel like little Bebo is real and this is really happening. For some reason I'm having a harder time feeling enthusiastic this time around. I don't know if it's just the challenge of feeling completely exhausted while caring for Z or if it's because of certain anxieties I have about the this second time around, like our living situation and breastfeeding.

To be honest, I am extremely anxious about breastfeeding since it was so terrible last time. I really want to try again and I really want it to work this time. I feel like I'm in a better position to have success because I can reflect on some of the issues that I had last time and be prepared, but I'm still nervous. And when I get nervous, I make lists. I've already made a "birth plan" and I'm not even two months along. I already have a list of things I want to talk to my provider about like getting this baby checked for tongue tie ASAP. Thus, the pregnancy anxiety begins.

I also worry about what we should do about our living situation. We've been going back and forth about whether or not we want to stay in the same place for another year or try to buy a house. Which, of course, then makes me worry about being massively pregnant and house hunting, packing, moving, etc. But, if we decide to stay where we are then I worry about having a two bedroom place with two kids. (Then I kick myself and remind myself that people all over the world would think where we live is huge and glorious.) If anyone has tips about when to start rooming a toddler and baby together, lay them on me.

So. This is my current state of mind. Bebo is still just a tiny little bundle that I can barely believe exists. I can't wait for my next appointment where we will get to hear Bebo's heartbeat!

New Baby

So I will be keeping these posts to myself for the time being and publishing them once we go public with this pregnancy. But, I didn't want LB 2.0 to be left out of the proceedings and my musings on this pregnancy.

Hi LB2. I wasn't surprised by you like I was by your big brother. I was pretty sure I was pregnant since I knew what I felt like last time. You have made your presence known very quickly and my nausea has already begun. I hope this means you are going to be as happy and healthy as your big brother. I pray for you already- that you will grow safely and that I can be a good mother to you. I am actually more nervous this time around. I know what to expect and I worry that I won't be able to handle two children. I really want to try breastfeeding again but I'm scared of failing for a second time. But, we want you. We love you. We're excited you exist. Our family has a spot waiting for you to fill.

Love,
Mama