There's a lot of chatter these days about "Mommy Wars" and judging each other's parenting choices. I know that these aren't made up issues and there are certainly times people are actually judging our parenting choices, but I was musing today about how often I perceive judgment when it doesn't actually exist.
For example, when I couldn't breastfeed Z, every time I mixed a bottle of formula in the presence of moms who were breastfeeding I felt like they were looking down on me for not trying hard enough to give my son breast milk. In reality, I have no idea what they were thinking. I know now as a mom on the other side of the fence, when I see another mom pull out a bottle of formula for her baby I either think absolutely nothing or I am a little jealous, depending on the situation.
I think this happens a lot because the natural reaction to hearing someone's parenting choices is to compare them to your own and assume that if you aren't doing the same, they must think you are wrong. After all, you both looked at the same situation and you made different choices. However, I don't think it's that black and white, though I'm guilty of feeling that way all the time. Someone might see me pull out some organic teddy grahams for Z and assume that I am all organic and am standing in judgment of their goldfish crackers. I'm not. The organic teddy grahams were on sale and thereby cheaper than the regular kind. Maybe you'll hear me say someday that I couldn't get into the Weissbluth sleep methods and you are a Weissbluth devotee and now believe that I think you are terrible. I don't, I just didn't have the discipline for Weissbluth. If he and I met, we couldn't be friends because I am way too much of a hot mess for him.
I feel automatically judged when I have to admit that I didn't take Z's bottles away until he was 20 months old. Or that I drank coffee through my entire pregnancy. Or that I have totally let my babies sleep on soft surfaces!! (Supervised, but they were soft. Super soft.) How about that I put Bear to sleep on his side, not on his back, because he loves it and was rolling onto his side to sleep the day he was born?
The thing is, we are all unique and our children are unique. We know them better than anyone else and know what they need. Also, we know our family dynamic and what we all as a unit need. Our bedtime routines could be different because our kids settle down differently. Our discipline measures could be different because our kids react differently to time outs, etc. Maybe you love to co-sleep, and I say more power to you, but I can't get a wink of sleep if I have a kid in bed with me at night.* It doesn't mean someone is right and someone is wrong. It doesn't even mean that we are judging each other. It means we are doing the best we can to be the best parents we can to our individual children.
With social media we often catch little glimpses into people's lives that we are otherwise unfamiliar with. We read a snippet about how little bean is doing this or that and how their parent is using this or that strategy but we don't know little bean. We don't really know what little bean's personality is like day to day. We don't know what struggles and victories that little bean and mommy/daddy have been sharing. This makes it easy to judge or feel judged. It's either, "egads! She lets little bean eat fast food!!" or "egads! little bean is sleeping 12 hours straight every night! I'm failing as a parent!"
Friend, you are not failing as a parent. I learn more and more every day as a new mom of two that children are so gloriously, frustratingly, amazingly unique. Little bean might sleep 12 hours every night but be a napping terror. Little squash might be the happiest baby in the world during waking hours but be demanding and fussy at night time. As my mom has said many times, no one is perfect. All of our beautiful children will have problems, perfections and everything in between. Let's embrace them and what works for our families with confidence.
And remember, if anyone tries to tell you what you should do with your baby at night, give them your address, thank them for volunteering to be your night nurse and say you'll see them at 7.
*Joe, on the other hand can and does sleep with our sons all the time. Just a snuggly pile of humans that I can't even fathom. I know that there are things that say fathers aren't aware of their children when they are sleeping like mothers, and therefore aren't as safe, but that is not the case with our home. Joe can somehow be completely unconscious and have a grip of steel on whatever kid he is sleeping with, holding them safe and secure. It's truly impressive.
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