An instrument of peace

I couldn't sleep for hours last night because I was lying in bed thinking about all of the recent events flooding the news. All of the lives lost, all of the pain revealed, all of the hate, all of the anger. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help. I wondered if posting my feelings on social media really matters. I wondered if we all do it to try to overcome the impotence we feel. I felt guilty for how little time I'd really spent thinking about it all.

To be honest, my mind has been consumed with other things. Normal day to day needs of my kids and the more intense emotional needs they have had lately following our move. All of the things on my to do list that still need to get checked off to get us settled here. Shana's fast approaching wedding. Arranging dates for visits from family and friends.

And then there are the things that are weighing on my heart.

Why Z seems so unhappy the last few days and has been acting out so violently. I wonder how to make him feel better; how to discipline him while still offering him security.

I am consumed by thoughts of our friend's baby who has been in the hospital for over 6 weeks with a troubling prognosis. I think about his parents and siblings and pray for peace on all of them. I grieve for their pain and wish I could do more.

I think about my other friends who are (today!) bringing a precious, medically challenged little boy into the world. What a difficult road lies ahead of them as they adjust and help his big sister embrace her new family member.

I am frequently thinking of my friend from college who lives in Orlando, a gay man who recently was mugged at gun point, and is now having to cope with all of the feelings around that situation while also trying to cope with the tragedy that happened at Pulse. I can't even begin to imagine how he is feeling, but he has been so brave and, as usual, thrown himself into seeking peace with his whole heart. I am proud of him and concerned for him.

I breathe a sigh of relief every time I see that people in the immediate vicinity of these friends are being comforting physical presences and helping them bear their burdens.


I don't have any wisdom about any of this. I wish I did. I just kept thinking last night, let me be an instrument of peace. It's from a prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

There's a lot of side taking right now. Are you for or against [insert hot button topic here]. I saw a video where two rival protests put down their signs and were hugging in the street and I thought, maybe there is hope. By nature, we all want to protect ourselves, our own interests, but there is no hope without some sacrifice, even if it's just taking a moment to try to see another perspective.

It's hard for me to go through the day and really remember that I want to be an instrument of peace. It's hard to stay focused on setting an example for my kids when I'm tired and frustrated, when Z is throwing his fifth tantrum of the day, when Bear throws yogurt all over everything. It's hard to believe that there is goodness when all you read about is pain and hate. It's hard. But it's worth it.

Tiny things matter. Today a woman at the park was so kind to me while I dragged my screaming toddler to the park and then back to the car because apparently the park was the worst thing in the entire world. She probably didn't think a thing of it, but it meant the world to me to have her say something consoling and kind instead of just staring or saying something flippant.

So, please, if there is a way I can encourage you or help you, tell me! I want to. And if you see a chance to sow peace and love today, take it! Don't push it off because there might not be another opportunity and the world needs all the love it can get. Give smiles and hugs. Give encouragement and consolation. Give silence and listening. Give money or time. Give thoughts and prayers, phone calls and emails. Give what you can, receive what you need.