February - Peace out!

So, we say goodbye to another month. A cold, cold month. Cold and stressful.

Joe

Under a lot of stress. Send him cheerful messages and such whenever you may think of it. It's hard to be in limbo job-wise and still be dedicated and work hard. He's doing a great job, but it's not a really fun time in our lives. Also, the improv community here is hard to break in to and that has also been discouraging.

Sara

Sick. I can't seem to stay healthy for any reasonable stretch of time and it's wearing on me. Also, my job existing in the fall is not looking great right now. I'd say I've got maybe a 30/70 chance. Other than that, my classes are going well and I'm getting more involved with the Moms Group I joined and went to my first book club, which was fun. I even have a "mom date" this weekend, which I'm excited about.

Our Jobs

This whole job thing is just very discouraging for us. We moved here with a lot of optimism and River Falls rose to our expectations. We're loving the area, we've just started to find our place. We were really looking forward to settling down here for awhile. It's a huge disappointment to potentially have to leave somewhere that we've found such a great life balance. Working part time has been fantastic for me and I've loved the work. Joe's been doing great at his job and has a lot of support from his dean. But, now there may be no money. Which means most of the projects they were planning and hoping to do will not be able to happen. Enrollment may drop. Things could get very bad for UWRF and that's really upsetting for us. It really felt like this opportunity and life had been given to us as a gift, but I guess maybe we only get to have it for a little while.

I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's hard to not get gloomy sometimes.

Our Boys 

Z has been testing a lot of boundaries and just got through a week long phase of refusing to eat dinner just to prove that he would not be owned. He also was sleeping TERRIBLY. He would wake up nearly every hour from 11 PM on and decide to have full out parties. He seems to have gotten over that and has slept like a champ the last few nights. Lord only knows what that was all about.

He is learning SO MUCH. It's amazing. My anxiety about his speech is starting to fade away as he adds more words to his vocabulary daily. He's just very cautious about his speech. My best guess is this: He will test out a word, check our reaction, see if he thinks it sounds right and if he doesn't, he will NOT say it again until he's secretly practiced it about 1000 more times.

He knows pretty much all of his animal sounds now, can identify (verbally) three colors and knows the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 9. Yes, 9. I'm not sure why, but he knows that number in particular. We were at the library, playing with a numbers puzzle and he took the 6, flipped it around, held it out to me and proudly proclaimed, "9!! 9!!" I just stared at him because I had no idea how he came up with that and so I asked him to tell me again and he did. I'm still not sure what it is about 9 that intrigues him, but whatever makes him happy.

His other big accomplishment this week was peeing in the potty for the first time! Being the emotional wreck that I am, I started crying about my little boy growing up. This is by no means the result of any potty training. We've just been setting him on the potty before bath time to get him used to the idea. He did request to sit on the potty one day, so I obliged, but I'm not going to really put in effort until Bebo is born unless Z really takes the wheel. At this point I don't think he's really ready to use the potty. He doesn't care a lick if he soils his diaper, nor is he really showing any other signs of wanting to potty train, but we just wanted to have it around for him to explore. Some of the older kids in his class at daycare are potty training and sit on the little toilet they have in their room so I figured he might get curious.

Bebo is in great health, so at least I can take some solace in that. Whatever issues I seem to be facing, my little bundle is growing with no issues whatsoever. He's gotten very active and strong lately, and can really deliver some wallops. He's much more of a night baby than Z was, and I feel him a lot right as I'm going to bed or in the middle of the night. He was really not a fan of my stomach bug last week and I'm not sure he's completely forgiven me yet. It's okay, we will forgive each other when we meet face to face and he's no longer giving me indigestion and I'm no longer jostling his home around so much.

Dear Friend, Take the 5 minutes.

I'm a shower addict. I know people are all, "Oh, we don't need to shower everyday" and to those people I say, this is not a need. It's a want. I love a hot shower. I love how relaxing it is and on days I'm really feel stressed, I might take two. That's infrequent, but its happened. Showers and baths, man, I love 'em.

One thing you hear a lot from new moms or about new moms is, "I haven't showered in days!" I feel like it's almost expected that no new mother should or could have the time to take a shower. Someone told me (Mom? Katie? Who knows, those first weeks are a blur of exhaustion) that I just need to take the shower. How long does it really take to jump in there and wash my hair? 5 minutes? 

"But, Sara! The baby might need me!" 

The baby might want you but if the baby is in a safe, comfy space then the little squish will be okay for 5 minutes. 

"But, SARA! THE BABY!"

I swear to you, for five minutes, that kid can survive. Now, I'm not suggesting that you put your screaming child down and hop in the shower (unless you're about to lose your s***, in which case, yes, do that). Get little pudding to sleep and get your butt in the shower. Bring in the monitor (technology!) and then you'll know if you only get a 5 minute shower (because pudding sensed you are doing something for yourself and immediately awoke) or a 15 minute shower because that kid is asleep! WOOOT! 

If showers aren't your thing, insert whatever. A quick nap. A cup of coffee. Whatever. I know it sounds selfish, but sometimes you need to be a little selfish to not get really angry or fall into the depths of despair. Most of us, sadly, do not have a mom, aunt, cousin, sister, etc. coming over after the birth of a baby to bind our bellies, make us food and give us those little breaks. Even if we do have people around, we feel like we have to do everything ourselves because it's our baby and this is our job. Yes, it is. But you have to give yourself a break to do your job well. 

Running yourself into the ground doesn't help anyone. I know, because I do it too much. I don't ask Joe for help when I should. I don't take the time to recharge and sleep and whatever. Then I find myself getting snappy with my son or abruptly bursting into tears. 

Take the five minutes. Just do it. You need them in those early days. I'll try to take them too, okay? Our hair will look wonderful until it all starts falling out. :) 

Considering Voodoo

Okay, not really, I would not participate in voodoo, but seriously, I'm getting desperate here. I feel like I can't stay healthy! I don't think I have ever in my life been sick as much or as badly as I have been this winter. It's killing me. I hate to be sick. I hate to be cared for. I hate not being able to get my list done, I hate it all.

This is my second bout with a stomach bug of some sort in the past few months. It was bad the first time. It was worse this time. Stomach stuff is always miserable. It's worse when you have a toddler to care for. It's even worse when you have a decent sized in utero baby squashing your painful stomach.

Miserable. Barely able to stay vertical. Guilty for not being able to care for my son the way I wanted to. Exhausted and achy.

Dear Squish Bucket,

Thanks for being a cheerful guy for the most part when your mama was feeling so terrible. Thanks for reading to me and stroking my hair like you knew I needed to rest. Thanks for dancing by yourself and giggling while we watched Winnie the Pooh. I'm so sorry it wasn't a very fun day and that we had to miss going to gym time, but I'm very thankful to you for being patient with me.

Love,
Your Sick Mama

I'm ready this time

When I was pregnant with Z I was in no hurry to give birth, even at the end when I was so uncomfortable, because I was so afraid of this gigantic life change that was about to happen. I did not try to go into labor with spicy food or pineapple or anything else. I was perfectly happy to just sit uncomfortably on my couch and watch movies with my husband. When my water broke my first thought was, "NO! You have got to be kidding me!"

This time, I'm ready. 27 weeks and I'm ready to receive this child. I mean I'm emotionally ready, not that I want him to be born even a little early. I want him to stay in there until he is good and ready and I would never try to evict him before we hit FULL term. But... once we get to, oh... 39 weeks... you may or may not catch me trying some of those old wive's tales this time around to evict this little man. Even though I know having a second is another huge life change and I'm frankly not excited about slogging through that first month of newborn life, especially with a toddler on hand this time, I'm ready. I can do this. (Please remind me of that when I'm sleep deprived and Z is throwing himself on the floor because I offered him some dinner.)

I guess part of it is now I have Z and I see what it's like to get to know this little person and be their parent. It's awesome. It's scary. It's unexpected and amazing. This morning Z was having a dance party while Joe and I ate breakfast and it was hilarious. Why did he need a dance party at 7 AM? Who knows, but it was great entertainment.

So, who is in there now? Knowing* it's a boy has barely diminished the mystery and curiosity that I felt while pregnant with Z. Who are you, kiddo? What will you look like, be like? Will you love books as voraciously as your brother? Will you want to have 7 AM dance parties? Will you two get along and love each other or fight all the time? Will you wait to crawl, walk, talk, like Z? Or be walking by 9 months like me? Are you going to be another Joe clone? (I would love it, Joe's so dang cute. I'm not biased.) So much to discover about you.

*"Knowing." I'm a little paranoid that we'll be that 1% or whatever who had the mistaken ultrasound. That would really throw me for a loop. It just happened to a woman in my mom group and I might have come on a little strong with my reaction. It was something like, "WHAT!? How?! Didn't they show you the goods?? DID YOU SEE THE GOODS?!" She said, yes, they thought they saw boy bits** but apparently not because her 32ish week ultrasound showed no bits. Well, it showed girl bits. I'd heard of it going the other way, that they thought it was a girl because the bits were hiding, but I thought once they told you it was a boy, you were set.

But, come on guys, let's be real, those ultrasounds are wacky looking. I have no idea what's going on about 50% of the time. The lady said it was boy bits and I was like, "Oh, yeah, I see that" but I had no idea before she said anything. At one point I thought she was looking at his butt and it was really his head/brain! I'm going to be super annoying at our next/last ultrasound. I'm going to be all, "Can you show me those bits again?" and Bebo will be like, "HA! No. I'm folded up like a pretzel in here, no bits for you."

It's cool, I can be flexible.

Not really, I'm not fooling anyone.

** I like calling 'em "bits." Makes me laugh.

January and February So Far Recap

January. Yeesh. What an unexpected turn that month took! I had all of my best laid plans set out for what I would do while on break but most things did not go as I had intended.

What I did manage to do:
Get all the basics together for Bebo. I mean, everything that is within the realm of reason. His clothes are unpacked. His diapers are set up. His bassinet is sitting in our rearranged room. The hospital bag is pretty much packed. Z's bedroom is rearranged to become their bedroom (eventually). Boom. Done. I knew I would be just way too busy right before his birth so I had to do it now.

What I did not manage to do:
Everything else.


The BOO! things

My poor baby has a pneumonia relapse. 

Z getting so sick really threw a wrench. The most difficult pill to swallow was that the first fever popped up dead in the middle of Joe and mine's "love day." We were at the movies when daycare called. Sigh. The first half of The Imitation Game  was good. I'm sure the second half was too. I'll find out when it comes to the Redbox.

It's not as if there was anyone to blame. Z didn't want to be sick. The timing was just... awful. We so very, very rarely go to the movies that it made me really sad to have to leave early. (Movies are expensive!!) Also, the service at lunch was really slow so we had to skip dessert to get to the movie on time and I'd been so excited. To make up for it we were going to go to a cafe to get dessert but sick toddlers and leisurely love dessert don't mix. Instead, it was consolation pie to go that I ate while trying to not throw myself a massive pity party. Pregnancy hormones make everything considerably more dramatic in my world and, as I've confessed many times, I cry. A lot. For silly reasons.

The other "boo" thing is of course our job limbo. We're handling it pretty well, so I'm proud of us. I've only had one night where I woke up at 3 AM and never went back to sleep because I was looking up HR policies and googling rent prices and job listings like a crazy person. I was really tired that day but that little panic attack seems to have gotten it out of my system and now I can wait calmly to see what is going to happen.

The YAY! things

Z has had mercy on me and started talking more. He's still a little stubborn donkey, but he's also scary smart sometimes. He's very creative in his playing and makes up little games all the time. It's very fun to read interactively with him. My favorite right now is getting to the part in Little Blue Truck  where I get to say, "All together now, one... two..." and Z exclaims, with a BIG smile, "FREE!" I didn't even realize how proficient he was getting with some of these books. He knows which books have songs associated, which pages say certain things he likes, which animals make which sounds, including dinosaurs (rawr!). The other big thing is that I'm understanding him more and more. Sometimes he's been "saying" a word, I just haven't understood that it's the word he means, which is frustrating for him. Milk, mama, and moo all sound very similar so I've been missing milk requests a lot. He's decided that signing milk is not his bag, which is a bummer because that was really handy, but he's replaced that with finding a sippy cup (there's always a water one somewhere that he can get to), bringing it to me and asking for milk. It's made me feel a lot better to see him progressing.

No one *needs* pants, Mama.
Really.

We also have a new pediatrician, not because of anything bad or dramatic, just because his old pediatrician left the practice we go to. I think it's turned out to be for the best because both Z and I really like her. Z took to her right away, which was great, and she's made me feel really calm and confident, which is key for a pediatrician dealing with a crazy parent. She took a very personal interest in Z's pneumonia, squeezing us into a completely jam packed day when he had his relapse. I was so grateful that she did that so we could get him on the new antibiotic and nebulizer right away. She certainly didn't have to. I could tell she was pretty harried but she never made me feel rushed or like she wasn't focusing on us. A gem, y'all. She's a gem. What kinds of presents can you give awesome doctors? Is that allowed?

Additionally, Bebo and I are doing grrrrrreat. My doctor is also awesome and I love her. Earlier this week I had my 1 hour glucose test and she basically kept me company because she had a light patient load and answered all of my pregnancy and non-pregnancy health questions. It was great and I kicked that test's butt, so that was great too.

All in all, the Blums are hanging in there. We've had some bumpy moments in this last month but we are pulling through. Huzzah, I s'pose.

Shameless Bragging

Yesterday was like a shimmering, golden day so I feel like I have to document it. I so often turn to this blog to express frustration or confusion or challenges and so it seems like motherhood is all challenges. But sometimes, like yesterday, it's just delight.

Firstly, Z slept pretty dang well. He only woke up once for some water and literally, I was not out of bed for more than 5 minutes. So, we both woke up feeling pretty good. He ate his breakfast with gusto, which was nice because he's been off his food while he's been sick. He did his nebulizer like a champ and didn't cry when I turned off the TV when his treatment was over.

He's been very, very clingy for the past week, so I was a little nervous about venturing out to Mom's Group again. We hadn't been in two weeks since I didn't want to take the chance of exposing any of the littles there to Z's sickness, but I decided I would go and just keep Z with me during the meeting and hope for the best. I figured I could always leave early if I needed to.

He was a gem. A GEM! During the first half of the speaker's talk he just snuggled up in my lap like an adorable little cuddle bear and quietly drank some milk and ate some snacks while he watched everyone else. After about 30 minutes he got down and played quietly (yes! quietly!) on the floor by my chair with the toys I had brought. He applauded the speaker when she finished her talk and only then did he start running laps around the room with a couple other little boys while the moms chatted. I was just bursting at the seams. Pride, astonishment, relief, happiness. He was so well behaved.

He passed out on the way home and then proceeded into an epic nap that I had to wake him from to get him to the doctor for his follow up appointment. I fully expected terrible tantrums and just an awful time at the doctor as a result of a truncated nap. He did cry a bit while I was getting him ready to go, but not much and at the doctor's office he was a SAINT! I couldn't believe it. The child did not cry the entire visit. He not only didn't cry, he was a ham! He put on a little show for the doctor with some of his best dance moves and some singing. She couldn't believe her eyes. She just kept saying over and over again how wonderful he looked and what a difference it was. He even held my hand and walked with me all the way out to the car.

Since he'd fallen asleep on the way home from Mom's Group and I'd had to wake him and take him straight to the doctor, the poor guy hadn't had lunch so I decided that he deserved a treat for being such a trooper the entire day and also to celebrate that he has FINALLY kicked the pneumonia. Hooray! (He also has a brand new molar and another that just cut yesterday.) So we went to Culver's and he got a kid's meal.

He sat in his booster and ate his meal like a little gentleman. He fed himself his apple sauce and his chocolate custard with great concentration and aplomb. One of the elderly ladies working there hung out with us for a little while after asking me if it was okay because she said she just loves watching "the little ones have their treat" and Z flirted with her big time. Again, he was just an angel. 

After that we hit up the library to get a new sheet for the 1000 Book Challenge (each sheet is 100 books and they get little stickers and prizes for filling up a sheet). Z did really well there too (he usually does though, so that's more par for the course. He loves the library). 

It was just... a really easy day to be a mom. He ate his dinner well, he did bath and bedtime well, he slept all night last night. It was like he knew that the past couple weeks have been rough and he was giving me a day off. 

Life is Very Confusing

I was in love with Jonathan Brandis in my early teen years.  I owned just about every single one of his movies (on VHS which means I can no longer bask in them. Sorrow.) including Sidekicks, a Karate Kid wannabe starring Chuck Norris and Mako as Mr. Miyagi Mr. Lee, Jonathan's wise, martial arts instructor. At one point Mr. Lee is dropping some wisdom on little Barry (Jonathan) and he says:

Mr. Lee: Do you find this.... confusing?
Barry: .....yes....
Mr. Lee: (exuberantly) Good! Life is very confusing.

Confusing. Unpredictable. Difficult.

This morning Z screamed, legitimately screamed bloody murder, the ENTIRE way to daycare. Why? I have no idea. When I asked him he babbled something about "mama, papa, mama" something so I guess he didn't want to be away from us today. Maybe? But really, who knows? He's still getting nebulizer treatments and he gets to watch TV while he's having his treatment and he was really mad when we turned it off to leave for daycare, so maybe that's really what he was upset about.

Confusing. Life is very confusing.

Friends, please pray for us, think of us, over the next few months. If you're a big news follower you might have seen a bit in the news about proposed budget cuts to the UW system. Right now everything is still very up in the air, but Joe and I attended a meeting held by the chancellor today and honestly, it doesn't look good. I always try to be really optimistic, that's just my life approach, but lay offs are going to happen, without a doubt, and it might encompass both of our jobs. Having only just moved here and the investment that was, this is a very stressful possibility that has been introduced into our lives. We feel that the wisest approach is to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.

So, pray for us. That we'll stay encouraged and hopeful. That we will be united as a team and not take out the stress of this uncertainty on each other, as we married folk often do. That we won't let the worry steal our joy as we prepare to welcome Bebo. That we will be wise as we make plans for the future.

I still feel, even if the worst happens, we lose our jobs, and have to move again, that it was the right choice to move to Wisconsin. We both do. We've both gained work experience that will be invaluable if we find ourselves back on the job market and getting out of our environment has forced us to "grow up" as a couple in ways that I don't think we would have pursued otherwise. I believe we are where we should be right now.

However, it is hard to think that this might be such a small part of our lives. We really like this area, we were just starting to settle in and make some plans for our future here. We had no intention of leaving anytime soon. But, life is very confusing. Every step, every phase of life that we have experienced has brought something unique and special into our lives and we just have to trust that in a few years we will be able to look back and say the same about this.

I have to say, to be fair, we might be fine. Our dean has every intention of fighting to keep Joe's position, I've gotten nothing but positive feedback from my department head and my classes are core requirements. There is a decent chance that come Fall 2015 we will both still be gainfully employed. But, we have to face the facts that, in the end, our dean may not have a choice and cuts to the general education might nudge out the need for adjuncts since tenured or tenure track staff might be losing their other courses and taking on classes like mine to fill their course load requirements.  There's just no knowing right now. We'll learn more over the next couple of months.

It's weird for me to put this out here for the world to read, but I know that lots of our friends keep up with our lives via this blog and after thinking about it, I decided that I long for your support. Not necessarily emails or calls or whatever, but I know you all love us and will take a couple minutes every now and then to think of us and pray for us and give us that encouragement while we navigate this uncertainty.

Life is very confusing. And this is just one more bump in a road that will be filled with bumps, some worse than others. I am fully confident that Joe and I are able to navigate this bump and I am so thankful that we have time to prepare and plan, even though the waiting is killer.

Sorry this is so long. It breaks my own rule for blogging. Oh well. Thank you for reading, you glorious people.