Full Disclosure

When I was pregnant, I tried to be very honest about my experience. Highs, lows, peculiarities, etc because I find so often that people put on positive social media faces that make other people looking on think that life is perfect and they must be doing something wrong in their own lives. Joe and I were chuckling the other day about all the comments we get on facebook pictures of Z sleeping that say things like, "what a good sleeper" or "what a good baby" as though Z never cries or decides suddenly that sleeping is for the weak and he'll have none of it. I joked that we should start posting pictures of him crying but then thought, we totally should. That's reality. He's a sweet, sweet little boy but no baby never cries and nothing is perfect.

In light of the lack of perfection, I decided this week to let my breast milk dry up and to share this with my loving readers. All the mom's that have contacted me to say they struggled with breast feeding has been so helpful to me during the past two months, so I want to be open about my own struggle for any new moms or moms-to-be reading this so they will not be afraid of whatever challenges they might face.

Though we've never really had success, I've kept offering breast feeding to Z. He's happy to latch on and suck for a little while, but he's never keen to make it a meal and is soon screaming inconsolably for his bottle. Just last night, in a last ditch attempt, I got Z latched and after about 40 minutes of sucking and dozing, he suddenly startled awake, started crying and then drank an entire meal of formula. It's been weeks of this and round the clock pumping, which is exhausting. Now, going back to work this week, it's become even more unbearable.

I really knew the first week of June that my quest for breastfeeding Z and all the pumping wasn't really worth the amount of misery it was causing for me. It was when I got off the phone with the lactation consultant after calling for help post-tongue clipping, started crying and confessed to Shana that I was completely miserable that it dawned on me it might be time to throw in the towel. I had tried so hard, taking supplements and eating all the foods that are supposed to boost your milk supply, pumping constantly (which was getting painful due to the frequency), and crying through my baby screaming as I tried to get him to breastfeed. And for what? When he was smaller and drinking less, my pumping could provide half of his meals, but these days I'm barely making a dent in the volume he's taking in. So why am I still devoting 2-3 hours a day to pumping for that tiny amount? (20 min can generally yield me 2 oz at best) I have to be honest, mostly because when people ask if I'm breastfeeding and I have to say no, I feel ashamed. I feel like they think I'm a bad mother because I was too lazy or selfish to breastfeed my son. I feel like if I quit altogether and can't at least say, "no, but I'm pumping" then I'll need to defend my position, explain the roadblocks and all my hard work trying to breastfeed my son and why I finally quit to prove that I love Z. Basically, I've been afraid to stop because I'm afraid it will mean people will think I don't want the best for my baby.

I don't have much confidence as a new mom. I think it's almost impossible for any new mom to feel confident because everything is so unfamiliar and scary. I was so prepared to breastfeed that now the idea of formula feeding Z seems like I'm failing my baby and he won't get what is best and that means I'm harming him. But then I ask myself, is it really what's best if he's screaming and his mama is crying and stressed all the time? Isn't it better for both of us for me to just enjoy my healthy, happy, sweet boy? Is any amount of "breast is best" or money spent of formula greater than my baby and I being happy? After weeks of agonizing over this decision, this week I finally settle on no. No. It's not worth my happiness and enjoyment of my son, it's not worth making him miserable and both of us losing sleep as I try to make him nurse. It's just not worth it. I hope, I truly hope, that I'll be able to breast feed my next baby, because I want the experience so badly and like any mother, I want the best for my babies. But, whether or not breast is best, it's not the determining factor of my son's health and happiness, and it's certainly not a measurement of how much I love him.

I know there will still be some sad days ahead and days when I'm afraid I made a bad decision or feel judged, whether or not it's actually happening. On those days I'm just going to cuddle my smiley, wonderful, miraculous little son and thank God that we live in a time when my baby has food available to him that has kept him healthy and strong and that I was able to pump for him for this long and give him some of the benefits of breast milk. Score 1 for modern technology because wet nurses just aren't easy to come by these days.