On Saturday, Z decided not to nap. Completely bizarre because he almost always is the king of naps. The last time he tried to skip a nap was months ago at daycare. When I came to pick him up his teacher reported this to me in complete shock (he's a napper I tell you!) and said he was laughing the whole time, doing somersaults down the hall. He was equally cheerful on Saturday but I knew that this could only mean doom. Something was making him feel like he shouldn't sleep. I could hazard a thousand guesses but they would only be guesses because only the Lord knows the mind of a young toddler.
The foreboding came to fruition when Z awoke at 12:30 AM and had zero interest in going back to sleep. I thought back to our wakeful night a month ago that I had written about. Don't get upset. Just stay calm and rock him and he'll settle down. Don't play with him. Don't talk to him. Don't engage. The issue was, he was JUBILANT. He didn't want to sit with me and rock. He wanted to run around his room and if I put him in his crib, he screamed. In other circumstances, in other nights, I would have tried my usual method of stepping outside for a couple minutes at a time to let him know that he was not getting out of that crib, so he may as well stop screaming. But, (1) we had house guests I didn't want to wake up and (2) I worry about waking the neighbors as well. So, I just tried to keep him quiet and soothe him.
But, I couldn't. I just couldn't do it that night. I don't know what it was, maybe the pregnancy hormones or just exhaustion, but I started to completely lose it after a couple hours. I was getting really upset with him for not calming down and even though my logical brain was screaming at me, "Stay calm! STAY CALM! He can sense if you're getting upset!!" I just... couldn't. Then he clumsily flung himself from my arms into his crib, whacked his head on the side, started to scream bloody murder and I lost it. After frantically trying to calm him and muffle the sound of his screaming, I found myself sobbing in the rocking chair because I felt like such an utter failure. I couldn't calm my child. I couldn't get him to go back to sleep, no matter what I tried. I couldn't, nor did I want to, leave him to cry without waking the whole townhouse row and my guests. I couldn't do anything. I felt sure I was missing something and doing something wrong.
It was about that time that an angel in the guise of my husband came in and gently informed his mess of a wife that it was time to let him take over and he sent me to bed. Where I cried some more because now I felt like a failure again because Joe had to come take over for me, and not only that, but when he got there I was obviously a complete mess. Joe did it, too. I could hear his quiet murmuring through the wall as he settled Z down, and after awhile, he crept back into bed, leaving a sleeping toddler in his wake. I was simultaneously proud (of Joe), in awe (of Joe), thankful (for Joe) and ashamed (of myself).
It's embarrassing for me to share this story. Obviously, I don't come across in a great light and don't look like a great mom. In the light of day after a full night's sleep last night (Z epic napped yesterday and then slept all night without a peep. Go figure.) I know that it was just a bad night for me. But, I share it because I want other moms to read this and heave a sigh of relief because they are not alone in their bad days. This is a hard job. It's an immense blessing, but it can be hard.
I fancied myself really good at dealing with nights. These days I can forego sleep pretty easily and I can usually stay really calm in the middle of the night and work out whatever is bothering him and help him out. It was my spot in the parenting roles that I excelled in. Joe and I each have our spots that we do really well with. It was hard for me to fail so badly at my "job" and need my spouse to intervene. (I'm still in awe of how amazingly well he handled that moment. He's truly a keeper.) But, there are days like this. I haven't talked to my mama yet, but I'm pretty sure that's what she's going to tell me. :)
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