Another treasure- A gift from my mother

Below is an email exchange between myself and my mom. I don't know if anyone who hasn't experienced the same thing I did can really understand how terrible the breastfeeding experience was for me. I was so utterly defeated and upset. I felt betrayed by my body, my baby and my doctors when we found out about Z's tongue tie later that month. I still look back on it and feel just terrible. I worry sometimes about the next baby. But this email from my mom brought me to tears at the time and still makes me cry now. I was so grateful for her words and needed to know so badly that I was still a good mom even if I quit breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is the worst

Sara Blum s****@gmail.com	5/17/13
to Marilyn

Hi Mom, 

So it's too late to call and tomorrow we're heading to Boston for Tim's wedding but I don't think I can try to nurse Zander anymore, it's just too terrible. Tonight he nursed, like actively was sucking, for at least 45 minutes and then pulled off after all that time and started screaming, like screeching at the top of his lungs. I had an ounce of formula in a bottle so I gave that to him and he was attacking the bottle like he had never been so hungry in his life, sucked down that ounce and then started screaming again, Oh, and before this he had stayed awake for almost 2 hours so he was all tired and cranky too. So he drank a second ounce of formula and then fell asleep, which I was relieved because I had been holding him for about 3 hours at this point and still needed to pump too and Joe had to work tonight because he's been taking a lot of freelance jobs. So then he slept maybe 10-15 minutes and woke up screaming again! And I thought he just needed to be soothed so I walked him around the block and he fell asleep but the second I put him down he was screaming again. So then I wondered, was he still hungry? Because normally he eats 3 ounces. So I offered him another ounce, he sucked that down and completely passed out the second he was done. So he ate basically nothing in all that time of nursing. No wonder he lost so much weight during that week we were only breastfeeding! He was probably barely eating. Now I feel like, is it even worth trying to nurse him? Is he really going to just pick it up one day and start productively sucking? Should I go see the lactation consultant again? I just don't know. But then after all that craziness Zander was all thrown off. He woke up again for his next feeding but I wasn't sure how much he would want to eat since the previous one was all weird and spaced out. I think now he's back and settled, he ate 2 ounces and has been sleeping for about an hour and 45 minutes. But that was just terrible.

I'll probably not call you guys until we get back from Boston. Please pray for our trip and that we have fun and it's not too stressful and that Zander does fine. I felt a little nervous about taking him there and exposing him to germs but I'm just not going to let anyone touch him I think. I'm probably going to wear him in the Moby wrap during the wedding so he'll be happy. Hopefully he will sleep okay in the hotel. 

Love, Sara

Marilyn Zeckoski m***@yahoo.com	5/18/13
to me

You have to do what works for you and Zander.  If breastfeeding isn't working then feed him from the bottle.  If you can pump and get enough milk for him then go for it.  If you can pump and supplement with formula then do that.  If pumping is taking too much time and you can't get the rest you need to be less stressed then quit breastfeeding.  That doesn't mean you are a  failure at breastfeeding.  You've tried your best.  Ultimately you should enjoy being with your baby.  Do whatever makes that happen.  If you are happy then Zander more than likely will be happy.  We love you and support you in whatever decision you make.  Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all of motherhood. Obviously you love your baby and want the best for him.  Do what works for you and Zander.
Mom

"Consider the wonders of the Lord." Job 37:14