Some treasures

The time just... never stops. 

I've been reminiscing a lot about this last year as we get closer to Z turning a year old. I'm planning to turn this blog into a book to save, so I've been wanting to do some posts of memories from the early days that I was just too tired to capture at the time. Those first few weeks with Z were so exhausting that I barely remember them. I went digging back in my email and found some treasures that really clearly explained how I felt at the time. Thank you for asking the right questions Sara #2. You made me record some feelings that are precious to me.

I'm feeling pretty good. Tired, of course, but recovering from labor pretty well. I had some tearing and stitches so I'm taking it easy as those heal. Not very comfortable, I can assure you, but not awful. It does seem a cruel trick of nature that you are so exhausted and in pain from labor and then you get this emotionally overwhelming and physically exhausting task of caring for a newborn. 

Labor, once the pushing started, was a little like being submerged in darkness waiting for the next wave to hit. I had my eyes closed the whole time and I was only aware of how badly I needed to push, the nurse coaching my breathing, Joe stroking my hair and telling me I was doing great and the pain, for, it does hurt to get that little sucker's head out of there. At one point I thought it was never going to happen and started to panic and cry and say, "I can't, I can't, it hurts" over and over. That was when I really needed Joe being there- he calmed me down and I kept going. The pushing is very hard physically but once I got over that hump I was determined. When his head finally cleared was the best feeling in the world and I didn't care anymore about anything else. He was all warm and soft and worth the effort. Of course, this was labor with no pain drugs at all, so who knows what a difference that could have made.  

How is everything been the last few weeks…more of the same, or calmer than you imagine? 

Neither. He changes every day, there are new challenges all the time. I can't believe it's only been 10 days since he was born. It feels both like time is flying and really slow.... 
Calm would def. not be a word I would choose. It's been hard; Z has had latching and eating issues since day 1 and hasn't gained any weight which has meant us taking him to the pediatrician nearly every other day to get checked. They don't know why he still isn't gaining and as of today we are to feed him formula so they can know his exact calorie intake. I can still breastfeed before we give him the bottle but if he hasn't gained anything by the next appointment with his formula regiment then we will have to have labwork done to see if he has a metabolic disorder that is hindering his digestion. I have somehow managed to not cry in front of the doctors but it's really discouraging when you've spent the last several days so committed to trying to get your baby to gain weight that you're nursing for at least 6 hours a day, if not more, and you are exhausted and then you find out your baby is still losing weight. 
This is probably very disjointed because I've been typing it in snippets over the past couple days, but that's a snapshot. We love Z beyond words, he is amazing and worth every poopy diaper, every second of pumping, everything, anything.