So I will write a "HE'S ONE!" post that will be all about the babe, but this one is all about Mama and how I have felt about being a mama for this last year.
The Good.
Yikes. Everything.
Seeing my husband be the father I always knew he would be and even more. It has made me love him more than I ever have before, which is amazing. I didn't know I had more love to give.
Baby snuggles, smiles, toes, and fingers. The first time he put his arms around my neck and really held on. When I came home from work to a crying baby and once he was in my arms he let out one last sob, snuggled into my shoulder and went to sleep. The first full night of sleep. The first laugh and every laugh since. Getting to know my son as the glorious, unique human that he is. Hilarious babbling. Seeing him learn and grow before my eyes. Sleepy cuddles and snuggly naps. Seeing him crawl toward me, laughing, and hold up his arms. Gummy smiles and toothy grins. Hearing him say "mama" even if he doesn't know it's me yet. It all fills my heart with such joy.
The Bad.
Of everything, the very hardest part was not being able to breastfeed Z. I had wanted to so badly, assumed I would be able to and, when I not only couldn't breastfeed but also couldn't produce enough milk to pump for him, I felt really shattered. My sadness has lessened but I still have twinges of jealousy or guilt. I definitely want to cry when the zealous supporters of breastfeeding unintentionally make me feel like a lazy, terrible mother for not going out and finding Z a wet nurse or spending a fortune on procuring human milk for him or call formula "poison". It's been difficult for me, even though I can see how formula feeding has had its advantages - Joe could fully share in the feeding which meant more sleep for me and more bonding for him. I didn't have to spend hours strapped to a pump for the last year, which made returning to work less stressful. Those are good things, but my heart still feels a little achy.
Working full time can be very hard, but I know that this is what is right for our family right now, so that brings me peace even though I hate being away from Z. I know that I'm helping to build his future and he knows his mama loves him. I'll be forever thankful that Joe was able to be home two days a week with our baby in his first year and that I have a job that let me be with him when he needed me and never miss a doctor's appointment or be away from him when he was sick.
Finding a child care provider was incredibly stressful, but I am extremely thankful for my friend Crystal who supported and helped me during that process and to Robyn and Luke for boldly pitching in and helping us care for Z during two weeks when we had no sitter and limited time off of work. You are rockstars. Very thankful for Maria, Crystal's sitter, who took on an extra baby while we searched for someone and that we found Kristina and her family.
The Awesome.
This last year I've been overwhelmed by my "village" so I want to thank some of them for being so awesome.
Thank you Katie Murphey for having some sort of sixth sense for the times in both my pregnancy and this last year of parenting when I was feeling the most frightened and defeated. Your phone calls of unconditional love and support were exactly what I needed at those moments and bolstered me up so much.
I appreciate Aimee Lalime, Amanda Massie and Kate Szrom so much for supporting me during my breastfeeding struggles and sharing your stories. They gave me a lot of comfort when I was feeling so terrible.
I can't even name all of the other working moms (for fear I will forget someone) whose comments on my facebook page and blog were such a blessing to me when I first went back to work. You all gave me courage and peace that I needed very badly. Thank you for responding to my call with so much grace and honesty.
Again, Crystal, my daily sounding board - thank you for listening to my moments of insanity and for your incredible generosity. The Stelicks are quite the blessing to the Blums.
To all of Z's aunts and uncles- you are all glorious. Thank you especially to Luke for being our go-to babysitter. We're so thrilled you're in Syracuse with us and your adoration of Z makes this mama's heart very happy. I can never make you enough meals to thank you.
And to my own parents, thank you for loving me always and forever. I wish it had been possible to really appreciate you before becoming a parent myself, but I just couldn't imagine this all-encompassing love I would feel for this little human. I wish I could go back and have more gratitude for all you both have done for me, but I hope just telling you how thankful I am now will help.
Thank you Mom and Vanessa for your own parenting stories and encouragement. Thank you Dad and Dave for being Z's number one fans and making me feel so proud to be his mother.
Joe, you have been the best husband, partner, and father I could have ever asked for. I am so thankful to have you and Z is blessed to have you for a father. You make me feel like I am being the best mother in the world and I could not have been so happy this last year without all of your praise, comfort and support. I love you.
Lastly, to my son: how am I so blessed to have such a wonderful, healthy little boy? Being your mother is too much joy and love, fear and awe. I don't even know how to express how thankful I am for you and all that you have brought to our lives. All I can say is, I love you always and forever, no matter what. You can always come to your mama and get love.
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