So, how's breastfeeding?

Six months in. Again, this is purely personal feelings. If there is anything I have learned about baby feeding, it is that there are lots of nuances that go into what works and what doesn't work. On that note.

How's breastfeeding going? In the sense that Bear is well fed, gaining weight, and I don't want to cry every time he needs to eat, good.

How do I feel about it? Not great. I mean, I don't hate it like I did. I feel rather non-commital and/or a little lost. Like, I have no idea how to night wean because I can't use the strategy we used with Z. I am not sure how to go about weaning onto regular milk when that time comes. Bear still eats every 2-3 hours, which is more than I was anticipating at this age. Since he still eats so often, I still feel pretty tethered to him which makes it hard for me to do things like leave to go grade. By the time I get somewhere, get situated and start working I don't have much time before I need to come home and feed him, which has made it really hard for me to keep up with my classes this semester.

This is where the nuance comes in. Things would be different if:

- I could pump more than 2-3 oz at a time (that takes me about 30 minutes). That's pretty much always the best I can do in spite of trying every tip and trick to increase my production. I've pumped 5 oz once and 6 oz once. I have no idea what I did differently, but I've not been able to replicate it. As a result, after the great breastmilk purge when I found out I had high lipase, I rarely have more than one bottle's worth of milk saved for a rainy day, which is stressful. It basically always takes two times of pumping for at least 30 minutes to get enough to replace one feeding which means I don't often pass Bear's feedings off for a bottle because that makes more work for me than just nursing him. I've honestly wondered if my breasts just can't really hold as much milk as other people. At night when Bear nurses before bed he will keep at it until he's stimulated 2-3 letdowns before he will finally settle down.

- Bear would take any formula. We're working on it to try to alleviate my stress over pumping but he's not been very amenable to the idea. So far I've managed to get him to slowly and begrudgingly drink about 6 ounces of formula at two different times.

-Our family dynamic was different. I'm realizing that breastfeeding isn't fitting into our lives very well. If (and I mean IF) we have another baby, I am really going to approach things very differently. I need to be able to do things. Having to sit and nurse Bear when Z needs a nap, or dinner needs to be made, or etc. etc. etc. makes me completely crazy. It's just not the same when you bottle feed. I loved giving Z bottles, but being able to have Joe, or anyone else, feed him too was really, really nice. Plus, Joe loved it. He used to always take the early morning feeding and just snuggle up with Z on the couch. I know Joe has missed being involved with that part of Bear's babyhood and I don't really feel like I can discount that.

Again, if I could pump enough to supply bottles, then I would probably go with that option, but my body just doesn't seem work that way. When I couldn't pump much with Z I thought it was because he never brought in my milk supply, but I know Bear has because he is healthy and thriving on breast milk. I just can't seem to work with a pump. And, seriously, I have tried everything. Different pumps, hand expression, supplements, diet changes, heating compresses, etc, etc, etc.

So, where does that leave us?

It really depends on Bear. I am not going to just stop nursing him and force him onto formula because I don't want to do that to him. So, we're just going to keep offering formula here and there to see if he will start taking it. Ideally I would like to figure out some sort of combo feeding situation, but we'll see what happens. In the meantime I'll just keep pressing on, one day at a time.

I still really like that it's free... minus all the mother's milk tea, pumping supplies, etc ;)