Bebo must have heard me bugging and pestering and muttering because I got a couple little nudges today. Little, precious, teeny, tiny baby nudges.
I like to be an optimist. I hope for the best, I like believe the best. But, deep inside, I'm very fearful when it comes to my loved ones. When I was pregnant with Z, there was always a unshakable fear just below the surface that something terrible could happen and I could lose him. Heck, that still exists to some degree. Every now and then I get completely overwhelmed with the idea that I can't protect him from everything and at any moment we could get struck by tragedy. I cope better now that he's outside the womb because I can pretend I have some control. What happens in my body... I'm painfully aware there's not much I can do about it.
For some reason my anxiety for Bebo has been on the rise lately. At night as I'm falling asleep I keep getting visions of my doctor searching in vain for Bebo's heartbeat. It's led to me lying in bed whispering, "give me a nudge baby, just let me know you're in there."
The reality is, like so many things in life, it's out of my control. I have to just have faith and trust. But, boy, was I happy to feel those nudges today.
I totally get where you're coming from. We're expecting #2 and it seems like the fear of the "what ifs" are stronger this time than with my 1st. Maybe it's because I know what a blessing it is to get the end result and am more fearful of losing it. Maybe it is because I have seen so much tragedy and loss around me. At any rate I try to hold firm and trust God and I thank Him for letting me a part of this miracle, for entrusting me to parent His child.
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